


40 Weeks

by mungojerrie



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: ALL THE ANGST, Abortion Discussion, Adoption Discussion, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternative Universe - Mpreg, Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Depression, EVERYONE IS GAY AF, Even Slower Than That, High School pregnancy, M/M, Mpreg, Mpreg Josh Dun, Sad Josh Dun, Senior year, Sexual Assault, Slow Burn, So much angst, Teen Pregnancy, Teen parent, The Boys Are Gay AF, Unplanned Pregnancy, joshler - Freeform, lots of feelings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-18
Updated: 2018-10-10
Packaged: 2018-12-31 03:51:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 32
Words: 67,136
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12123915
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mungojerrie/pseuds/mungojerrie
Summary: Josh is casually in love with Tyler. Tyler is in denial about his love for Josh. When Josh needs Tyler most, will his best friend be there for him, or will he be facing the future on his own? One things for sure, senior year is going to be hell. Then again, who said it wouldn't be?This is also being posted on Wattpad under the same title. Tends to be updated there first.





	1. -3 Weeks

August 5

It was the last month before school started up again. Senior year and Josh was ready for it. Well, he actually wasn't. He hated even the idea of going back to school. He sighed, looking across the park from where he sat on the old rusting swing set with a beer in his hand, sipping casually. It was late in the evening, so there were no kids around. That meant it was okay to drink and swing. Especially when Tyler was swinging next to him. The rest of the world didn't matter when it was him and his best friend. 

"So... Senior year," he said, not really sure what the hell he was even saying, mostly just speaking for the hell of it, "You as excited as I am?" He smiled over at Tyler, knowing exactly what the other boy was going to say. 

"Knowing your track record with school, I'm surprised your even mentioning it," Tyler joked, finishing off his beer and tossing his can in the vague direction of their box of trash. It had been a sworn agreement between them that whenever they came to the park to drink, they'd bring all their trash to the nearest dumpster before they left. They weren't gonna make their favorite park into a dump after all. 

Josh laughed, "I guess I'm just thinking about like... What's gonna come next? Y'know?" He sighed and finished off his own drink, tossing it towards the box, "I just... Never really though school would end I have no clue what I want to be... Like, my options are: More school, homeless, or shitty minimum wage salary until I die." 

Tyler snorted, swinging with him. "Well..." he thought for a minute, "Perhaps... You could make another option. I mean, I doubt you'd even make it through a year of college if you don't end up dropping out," he said, glancing over at his friend, "You have talked about it in the past." 

"Doesn't mean I'm gonna do it..." Josh said, "School is the only steady thing in my life right now. As much as I hate to admit it, the second it's over-" He sighed, "Maybe I can join a band or something. That would be cool." 

"You are a pretty impressive drummer," Tyler pointed out, "Any band would be lucky to have you." He smiled, hopping off his swing and moving to get another drink. 

Josh slowed down so Tyler could toss him a can. "Now I know you're lying," he said, "I'm not impressive anything." He shook his head, "I'm just a deadbeat kid who's not going anywhere in life. It's okay to say it. I do know that it's true." 

Tyler tossed him a drink and shook his head. "I'm sorry Josh, you know I can't lie to you. You're an amazing person. You're beautiful and kind and brilliantly smart in ways that the American Public School's can't even begin to imagine." He grinned, "This year is gonna be amazing. I know it is."

"Psh... You're just saying that Mr. Basketball Scholarship," Josh said, "You're the one who's gonna go places and do things in your life. I mean, who in this world wouldn't be in love with Tyler Joseph, the most amazing human that I've ever met." 

"Shut up you drunk ass," Tyler said, trying to hide the blush that was rising in his cheeks, but that only made Josh laugh and try to pull him into a not so sober hug. 

"Hey, remember when we used to... y'know?" Josh asked, smiling fondly at the memory of Tyler's legs around his waist, "Why don't we ever do that anymore?" 

"Because my parents weren't too happy when they caught us," Tyler said, frowning at the memory of being ripped out of his lovers arms and shaken so hard it left bruises behind. It had taken weeks before he'd even spoken to Josh again. 

"Oh yeah..." Josh muttered, looking at the ground and drawing patterns in the dirt with the toe of his shoe. That was one of the things about him and Tyler. He always kept the good in mind, and Tyler always remembered the bad. They balanced each other out in a way. "Do you ever miss it?" he asked, tilting his head to the side and looking at Tyler. 

"Every single time I'm feeling horny," Tyler joked, looking at Josh with a smile, "But... It would never work out... We both know that." He sighed. 

"Yeah," Josh said softly, "I know. You've told me..." He sighed and sipped his drink with a smile, looking up at the sky that was transitioning from day to night. "Are you nervous about this year?" he asked, honestly terrified of the upcoming school year. 

Tyler nodded. "But it's gonna be a good one, I know it is." 

Josh laughed and shook his head, "Is there such thing as a good school year?" he asked, looking at the other man. 

"There is if I get to hang out with you," Tyler said, smiling at the other man. He tossed his beer can into the trash box and kicked off, swinging higher and higher, as high as he could. Josh followed his lead, laughing long and loud and reaching out as though he might be able to touch the stars. 

August 7

The Dun household was incredibly lazy in the summertime. But today was fun. Josh had decided he wanted to do something wild, so he'd purchased bright green hair dye as well as some hair bleach, and all without tell ing his parents of course. 

"Careful Ash, only get it on top," he told his sister as she painted the bleach into his hair. 

"I know, I know," she replied, rolling her eyes at his childish behavior, "You know Mom's gonna kill you for this." 

Their parents were out for the day, so it was fine that the entire house was permeated by the smell of bleach. Josh laughed, fighting the urge to shake his head, "You forget," he said, "That's the fun part of this." 

Ashley rolled her eyes again, setting the brush in the sink. "Alright, now we wait for it to work," she said, leaning against the counter and checking her phone. 

Josh nodded, still smiling brightly. Sure he was really anxious about the whole thing, but he supposed that's what made it fun. His mom would be pissed and he'd get yelled at, but there wasn't much she could do about it. Just mutter about being glad he couldn't get any tattoos yet. He checked his phone, answered some texts from Tyler, and posted several pictures on Snapchat of him bleaching his hair, knowing his friends would be somewhere between terrified and excited for him. Before he knew it, Ash was helping him wash the bleach out in their tiny bathroom sink. 

When they were finished, Josh looked in the mirror with a smile. Teenage rebellion at it's finest was him with his green hair. He grinned at Ashley, just in time to hear his mom come through the door. "Ready to face the fire?" he asked, grinning like an idiot. 

She shook her head. He went downstairs anyways, fully prepared for yelling and a very stern talking to. 

August 8

"Duuuuude," Brendon said for what was probably the eightieth time as he ran his fingers through Josh's newly green hair, "This is fucking awesome!" 

"So you've said," Josh said, looking up at his friend, "I had to pay Ashley to dye it for me." He laughed softly, "And I'm currently grounded. Hence why we're hanging out at my place."

His friends lounged about on the furniture in his bedroom. Tyler kicked back on the bed and Ashley (not his sister) lounging on a bean bag chair with Hayley flopped across her lap. It was relaxed and easy. They all had drinks and someone had ordered pizza. It was almost like they were hanging out in Brendon's basement, but without the Donkey Kong Country and Super Mario World. 

"How long are you grounded?" Brendon asked, physically unable to stop touching Josh's hair, "I mean, school starts soon. Your mom can't keep you locked in until the end of summer." 

"It's just until she forgets I'm grounded," Josh said, "So I should be good by next week." He grinned, having learned exactly how to get away with things in his home. It was how he survived considering he was almost always in trouble for something. He couldn't help it, it was just who he was. 

"Well you better be out soon," Ashley said, "There's no way you're missing the end of summer party this year. It's our last one and it's supposed to be wild." 

"That's not for like... a month," Josh said, scoffing and shaking Brendon off to stretch out across the bed, his head at Tyler's feet, "I'll be there. Promise." 

Tyler laughed, "Besides, knowing Josh, he'll sneak out before he misses any sort of party." He pushed Josh's feet, which were in his face, off the bed, "And this is senior year, I'll sneak him out if I have to." 

Josh stuck his tongue out at the other boy, ignoring the fact that Brendon had already found a way to tangle his fingers into his hair again. 

"Jeez Bren," Hayley joked, "If you don't stop playing with Josh's hair I might have to tell Sarah that you've found a new lady love." 

Josh laughed at the comment and looked up at Brendon, "C'mere lady love," he said, "Gimme a kiss." 

"No, you'd enjoy it way too much," Brendon said, smacking Josh's cheek playfully, "And you know this fantastic body of mine is reserved for Sarah only, not you Mr. Dun." 

Josh rolled his eyes. "You're an ass Bren," he said, moving away from the other man to snuggle up with Tyler, "So I'm just gonna find myself a new lady love. Hello Tyler, are you interested?" 

This earned a laugh from the girls and an eye roll from Tyler. From there the conversation devolved into several conversations, all spoken over each other and constant interruptions. The pizza arrived and Josh paid for it. They ate, they drank, they had a perfectly wonderful time even though the room was muggy and filled with August heat. It was summer. This was their last year together. Who knew what would happen. 

As the conversation switched from one thing to the next, an air of calm positivity hung in the air as well as an odd feeling. Like they were already nostalgic about the evening and all the ones in the past. After the year was over, they would all be heading in separate directions. None of them knew what was coming, and they were all content with that fact. 

August 10

Lazy days were the best in Josh's opinion. Days when he could run a bath and relax into the hot water and ignore the fact that the rest of the world existed. Even when "the rest of the world" was his sister telling him to get out because she had to pee. He ignored her, electing that some me time was much needed. Besides, he had an awesome bath bomb and he wanted to use it. It matched his hair and smelled like mint. It was nice. And he deserved the relaxation. Especially with school just around the corner. 

He was scared of the future. Sure, he had his job at Guitar Center, and he fucking loved that job. But that wouldn't be enough to support him for the rest of his life. He knew how to play drums and he was eh at trumpet, but... Those weren't really usable skills in the real world. He sighed, sinking into the minty green water so just his nose was above the surface, allowing him to breathe. Tyler would be going to college. Brendon would be doing whatever Brendon does. Ashley was drop dead gorgeous and would probably model or something. Hayley would be going to that performing college. They all had something. Josh... He had nothing. He hated knowing that he was going to peak in high school, especially when he'd never really been any good at that. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 1: 2038 words. 
> 
> Leave critiques, comments, and kudos below.
> 
> Thank you! <3
> 
> ~ Will


	2. -2 Weeks

August 12

Brendon's basement was definitely one of Josh's favorite places. Everything about it, from the lime green shag carpet, to the terrible wood paneling on the walls, to the couch that reeked of weed and mothballs was so amazingly seventies. The best part though, was the old as shit TV and the Super Nintendo that was hooked up to it where the group of friends had defeated Legend of Zelda, Super Mario World, Donkey Kong Country, and any other game that they could get their hands on. The room was where the rest of the world couldn't get to them. It was their sanctuary. 

That night was nothing specific. It was playing a shitty racing game that the rest of the world had forgotten the name of and relaying old memories. It was talking about the day that Josh had moved in, and how Tyler's mom had yelled at him because his drums were too loud. It was reminiscing over Brendon's childhood crush on Sarah, and making fun of him for not getting the nerve to ask her out until Sophomore year. It was recalling how the boys had all gotten in trouble for wearing mini skirts because they'd lost a bet about the homecoming game. The night was made for memories. 

It wound down amidst beer cans and finished blunts. Nothing too wild, just the casual high of nostalgia. Sometimes they would spend the night since Brendon's parents didn't give two shits. They could have an orgy with half the school in that basement, and his parents would just say it was a teenager thing and avoid them. They could do whatever they wanted. But Brendon had sent out a message saying that the night was for him and Sarah, so they should all go home to give the pair their privacy. It was his basement after all, so they respected, and when there was no more weed to be smoked, they left.

Ashley lived across the street from Brendon, Hayley two houses to the left. Sarah was a street down. Josh and Tyler were two blocks over. They walked home together, moving silently through the pools of light created by the street lights. Josh wasn't sure when Tyler took his hand, but he didn't let go. Not when it felt so right. Tyler's house was first. He stopped at the walkway, turned, and faced Josh. Josh knew what was happening, it had happened a thousand times before. 

They were kissing. Tyler initiated, but Josh took the lead, his hand moving up to cup Tyler's jaw as Tyler's fingers tangled in his bright green hair. It had been a few days, the color was starting to fade. Tyler pulled away. "Meet in my room?" He asked, though Josh had the feeling it was more of a statement. He nodded anyways. He knew the drill. 

Tyler's room was in the basement. It was a small basement. While Tyler went in through the front, Josh snuck around to the back and wiggled in through the window to wait on Tyler's bed. It would take a few minutes, that was for certain. Tyler's parents would want to know why he was out so late and other sorts of things. The usual sorts of things. 

When Tyler arrived, Josh kissed him again. And again. And again. Their clothes hit the floor. Shirts first, then socks. Pants, then underwear. It was all touches, and getting lost in the feeling. The perfect high for fucking. No wonder Brendon had kicked them all out. 

The boys muffled their moans as Josh slid into Tyler, the feeling beyond what they remembered. Josh's teeth found Tyler's shoulder so he wouldn't be too loud. He didn't want them to get caught. He didn't want to lose this feeling again. 

Afterwards, when they were both cleaned up and Tyler was asleep, Josh pulled his jeans and t-shirt back on. He hated the reality of this, but he knew they would never really be together. Tyler had made that clear enough. He used the desk to boost himself through the window in the corner, and out into the night. It was 3 AM. He needed to get home. He knew they wouldn't talk about it. Not the next day, not ever. It would be better that way. 

August 13

The lake was beautiful. The perfect place to beat the late summer heat. Tyler refused to take off his shirt. Josh knew what was hiding underneath. He was proud of himself for that. Their youngest siblings didn't notice, just ran straight for the water and instantly jumped in to splash about. The older siblings laid out on the not quite sand beach, trying to get a touch of color for the upcoming school year. Maybe then they could say they did something worth doing, rather than just sitting in their rooms on the internet and not speaking to each other. Josh and Tyler ran for the dock. Even though it was just the two of them, no one around to hear, they didn't talk. They just did their secret handshake and jumped. 

The water was blessedly cold. It was cold enough to drive away any inhibitions. They had a competition, a lakeside tradition. Whoever surfaced first lost. They smiled at each other with the water between them, making faces, trying to get each other to laugh. It was only a few seconds before Tyler kicked. Josh followed. They laughed, dunked each other, and swam to nowhere in particular, pretending like everything was normal and they were just best friends. Nothing more. 

They both knew that that was a lie. Neither one was willing to say it out loud though. To say it out loud would mean facing the reality. It would mean recognizing that the love was more than friendly. It would mean changing everything. They weren't ready to face that. Not quite yet. Maybe one day. 

August 16

Taco Bell with Ashley was definitely the best thing ever. Well, Josh supposed he had a lot of best things ever. And Taco Bell with Ash was one of them. Not his sister Ashley, his best friend Ashley. It was beautiful how she could down three Doritos Locos Tacos without a second thought, and still have room for a Mountain Dew Baja Blast Freeze. Especially when Josh stopped to wonder where all that food was going, since Ash was tiny. 

As they ate, they chatted. Ashley told him all about her and Hayley's back-to-school shopping trip. He was quiet, thinking about things with Tyler. He nodded every once in a while to give the impression that he was listening, but he really only heard a low buzzing sound. 

"Hey! Hey!" She said, snapping her fingers under his nose, not buying the bullshit, "Earth to Josh Dun! Are you alive in there?" She pulled away, folding her arms across her chest and giving him a look that screamed 'start talking'. 

"I'm alive Ash," he said, once he swallowed his bite, "I'm just... not looking forward to school." He stared down at his food, realizing that he was seriously lacking an appetite. He set down his taco and grabbed his drink, sipping it casually. 

"Yeah. Mhm. Totally believe you. So you're not all moody because you're hooking up with Tyler again," She said, starting on her fourth Doritos Locos Taco.

"Once. It was once," Josh said, holding up a finger to emphasize that fact that it had only been one time, "How did you even know about that?" 

"Because you just told me," she replied casually, shrugging as though it were nothing, "Anyways, I don't see why you two don't just date already. If you start this again it's gonna end up like it did Sophomore year." 

"It's not gonna end up like anything because we're not starting anything," Josh muttered. 

"And I'm gonna end an international singing sensation," Ashley stated blandly, "Seriously. You two have issues. And you clearly love each other." 

"We do not," Josh said, "Besides, his parents would never allow us to be together. You know I'm still banned from his house." 

"Yet that doesn't stop you from climbing in through his window like Rapunzel's prince charming or some shit," Ashley pointed out, gesturing at him with her cup.

"That is wrong, because Rapunzel lived in a tower, not a basement. And I'm nowhere near as devilishly handsome as Flynnigan Rider," Josh shot back, hoping the subject of Disney would distract her. 

"First of all, his name is Eugene Fitzherbert," Ash began, "Second of all, you're avoiding the subject. If you don't let his parents banning you from the house stop you from screwing, then why would you let it stop you from dating." 

"Have you ever been in a secret relationship?" Josh asked, raising an eyebrow, "Because it honestly fucking sucks." He took a deep breath, "Besides, at the end of the year he's gonna go to some fancy college and end up in the NBA while I work at Guitar Center for the rest of my life. I'd just hold him back and we all know that." 

"No we don't," Ashley said, her voice suddenly soft, "You're gonna do amazing things Josh, I know you will. You are going to be great." 

"Yeah... Sure..." he said, knowing better than to argue, but still clearly disagreeing with her. He was going to amount to a whole lot of not much. He knew it, and even if she wasn't willing to admit it, he knew that she knew it too. 

The rest of their lunch was quieter. Her talking about how she knew she was gonna get dress coded that year for all sorts of things, him thinking he needed to do some back to school shopping. His backpack reeked of alcohol, and he really didn't want to get suspended this year. 

August 17

Playing the drums was Josh's favorite way to burn energy. His kit was in the attic. So as long as no one was complaining, and as long as he didn't play to loud, he could do what ever he wanted. Sometimes this mean playing along to a song. Sometimes Tyler would bring his guitar and they could jam together. It was a safe space, drowning out their feelings with the noise. They'd written their own songs before, but nothing very noteworthy. All just angsty teenage noise screamed in a rooftop. 

Today, Josh was alone, just making noise to cover his thoughts, focusing on the motion and the flow, setting a beat and tapping a rhythm. It felt good. Thoughts kept trying to sneak into his mind though. They wouldn't leave him alone. He got louder, needing the sound. He didn't hear the knock as his mother came upstairs to tell him that he was too loud. He saw her though, when she frowned and made the 'lower the volume' motion. He did the very teenager thing and rolled his eyes, sarcastically tapping on the cymbals as lightly as he could. 

She rolled her eyes right back, used to dealing with him, and knowing that he would be polite and keep the music soft. He wanted to be loud though. He wanted Tyler to hear him so that he would come over and play with him. So he could hear the other boy sing his feelings and they could pretend there were no tears rolling down their cheeks. Dear god he wanted. 

August 18

"Stay the night," Tyler said as Josh redressed.

"You know I can't," Josh replied, buttoning his pants and looking around for his t-shirt. Last time his alarm hadn't gone off. Last time they'd been found, "If your mom knew I was here she would kill me."

"Stay the night anyways," Tyler said, sitting up in the bed.

"No Ty," Josh said, sighing softly, "I can't risk losing you again. I just- I can't..." He leaned down, pressing a kiss to his lover's forehead before using the desk to reach the window. His walk home was short and sobering, he hadn't realized how much he drank.

Once home and in his room, he cried. Silent tear tracks on his cheeks. He hated himself so much. Tyler deserved so much better. He didn't deserve such a fucked up mess of a human. He deserved someone who would turn the world if he asked for it. He sighed and climbed into bed, promising he would stop, and knowing he could never keep that promise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 2: 2082 Words
> 
> My posting schedule depends on work so... I really don't have a schedule, but I'll try to do no more than a week between updates. 
> 
> Comments, critiques, and kudos are appreciated! 
> 
> ~ Will


	3. -1 Week

August 19

"Josh!" Ashley cried, bursting into her brother's room at way-too-early in the morning. She was still in her pajamas, a paper held tightly in her fist as she ran to wake him up. 

Josh groaned in response and pulled his covers up over his head. He was not a morning person. He was more of a "stay up until three AM in bed with Tyler Joseph then sleep until noon" sort of person. He didn't care that his sleep schedule was incredibly shitty, he really didn't. 

His sister wasn't having it. She jumped onto his bed. "Schedules are out today you dick!" she cried, "Go see what you got!" 

Josh groaned something that could've been, "Go away," but it was honestly difficult to tell. He hated the reminder that they had less that two weeks until school started. He didn't want to go back. He wanted to just curl up in his bed and sleep until forever came. 

"If you don't go downstairs and check your schedule, I have full permission to dump ice water on you," Ashley said, "And you know I'll do it." 

Josh groaned again, this time conveying more vague irritation with the fact that he had to be awake and functioning at eight in the morning. How did anyone have energy at eight in the morning? He decided the answer was witchcraft and pushed himself into a sitting position. He looked at his sister, glad that he was still covered by his blankets. "I said 'Get out'." He said, "I still don't sleep with clothes on." That was a lie. He wore underwear. He just really wanted her to get out. 

She walked out in a huff, leaving the door wide open just to piss him off. He huffed and went over, closing it so that he could change without any of his siblings bothering him. And he got into his t-shirt and jeans, he wondered if he and Tyler had the classes they wanted. He really hoped they did. 

August 20

They had an art class together first, weight training third, Spanish 3 fourth, and both were TA's in the library sixth, which meant they'd be able to go home early some days. It was exactly how they had planned their senior year. They even had the same lunch. The only classes he had without Tyler were math and english. And he had Brendon in math, Ash, Hayley, and Sarah in english. It was a good schedule, setting them up for a good year. 

The group was sprawled about in Brendon's basement, across the terrible couch, folded into the bean bag chair, even just laying across that terrible shag carpet examining their schedules, seeing who had classes with who and whatnot. 

Josh was trying to keep his distance from Tyler, yet somehow they still both ended up in the horrid leather chair, Tyler laying crossways over Josh's lap with his feet kicked up over the armrest. No wonder people constantly asking if they were dating. They certainly tended to act like it. 

"This year is gonna be awesome," Tyler said, his head tilted over the armrest, hanging upside down, "Like... The best year ever." 

Josh snorted, "Yeah, I'm sure I'll enjoy everything except the whole 'school' part of it." He grinned, though Tyler's hips were digging into his thigh rather painfully, "Has anyone ever told you how bony your butt is?" 

"You better get good grades Mr. Dun," Tyler said, sitting up so he could look at Josh's face, completely ignoring the comment about his butt, "We've got to graduate and walk together." He grinned, it was something they'd been planning since freshman year. 

"I will," Josh said, "I wouldn't miss that walk for anything. Nothing at all." 

"Swear it," Tyler commanded, "Swear it on Brendon's life." 

"What?" Brendon asked, not having heard the conversation, only his name. 

"Fine," Josh said, rolling his eyes, "I swear on Brendon's life that I'll get good grades so we can walk together at graduation." 

"What did I do?" Brendon asked. 

"Good," Tyler said, "Even though I don't believe you, at least now I can say you promised whenever things start to slip."

"We should probably warn Brendon that I might have to kill him," Josh said, just wanting to mess with the other man at this point. 

"Why?" Brendon asked, looking increasingly confused. 

"Poor Bren," Tyler said, joining in on the fun, "I'm gonna miss him. He was always such a good friend to us." 

"Why am I getting killed though?" Brendon asked, more insistently then before. 

Josh looked at him and laughed, unable to hold it in. He laughed and laughed and Tyler joined him, both laughing until they had tears in their eyes. Their friends watched, completely lost on what the joke was supposed to be, and why it was so hilarious. 

August 22

Exactly one week left of summer. Josh looked back on it wondering about everything he'd said he was going to do. He never did go camping, he didn't go on the teacups at Splash Valley until he was sick. He didn't tell Tyler he loved him. Oh well, there'd be time. They still had a year, and everyone knew it would be the best year ever. That's what they kept saying after all. 

But a thought kept running through his head, trying to push his fears to the front of his mind. What if something went wrong? What if he failed all his classes? What if he didn't walk at graduation? What if- he didn't even know. He was terrified. If anything went wrong, anything at all, it would ruin everything. 

He didn't remember getting dressed, yet he was trudging down the street, cigarettes tucked into his pocket as he made his way to the park. It was the middle of the day, but there wouldn't be anything strange about a teenager having a smoke at the edge of the grass, keeping to himself and playing on his phone. Josh knew this. He just needed to calm his nerves and ground himself, get away from his thoughts and worries before he had a panic attack. 

He found his favorite post and leaned against it, lighting a cigarette and taking a drag, letting it burn. It tasted awful, but it was so soothing. The negative thoughts kept pushing at his mind, wanting to take over and drag him down to a dark place. 

Five things to see. There was a little girl. She had a red dress on. Josh recognized it as one from a cartoon that he'd never seen, but there had been something on tumblr about it. The dandelions were turning into white puffs, ready to be blown to the wind by children's wishes. There was the swing set at the top of the hill, the same one he and Tyler would sit on to drink. The grass was dried and brown where the sprinklers didn't hit it. There was a pregnant woman, sitting on a bench. Her dark brown curls were pulled back and her hand rested on her round stomach as she laughed at something a child was saying. Josh took another drag from his cigarette. 

Four things to touch. The paper between his fingers. It was hot, but not so hot that it burned. The metal of the lamppost he was leaning against. It was cool, with rough edges where the paint had been chipped away over time. The soft cotton of his t-shirt. He'd worn it just the right amount so it was perfectly comfy no matter what the day was like. God he loved that t-shirt. He ran his fingers through his still slightly green hair. The color had faded so it was more pastel, but he still liked it. Perhaps he'd do pink next. It was also rather greasy, reminding him that he needed to shower when he got home. 

Three things to hear. A child screaming. The sort of excited noise as they ran from their best friend in a game of tag. Josh smiled at the sound. There was wheels, not car tires. This was the clear sound of a skateboard rolling across pavement. He looked up just in time to watch them roll by. He was sure they went to school together. The last thing, was a busker on the corner, a girl with an acoustic guitar, singing her heart out for someone's spare change. 

Two things to smell. The park. He could smell the grass and the trees and the fresh clean air of that was best at the center, where there was no cars, and the vague feeling that you might actually be secluded. Then he could smell the road, the cement and the gas mixing with cigarette smoke. Two different worlds, and he didn't know which one he preferred. 

One thing to taste. Smoke, the nicotine that burned his lungs and helped him to relax. He put out the cigarette before dropping the butt into a trash can, not wanting to set things on fire. The summer had been incredibly dry after all, and it wouldn't take much. 

As he turned to walk home, he realized that he honestly wasn't sure what he'd been stressed out about. Of course things were gonna go wrong, but that didn't mean he had to let them take over. He could make it through anything the world threw at him. It was only high school after all, so he might as well kick back and enjoy it while he still could. He'd worry about all the rest later. 

August 25

They were back in Brendon's basement. This time for a small kickback, last one of the summer. They had the beer pong table out and were doing shots. It was the usual group, plus a few people from the basketball team that Tyler knew, some choir kids that Ash had dragged along and a couple ofJosh's friends from when he'd been in band. All in all, it was a pretty solid party. 

Brendon's parents were out, so they were able to play music, but it wasn't partying and dancing with red solo cups littering the floor, it was getting drunk and talking to people that hadn't existed all summer. They got caught up, learning who had gone where and playing silly little party games like spin the bottle and truth or dare. 

Amidst all the fun, Josh found himself sitting next to a girl. She had red hair, and a face that honestly seemed to glow. Her cheeks were soft, her eyes were a beautiful brown, and her lips were the type that were just asking to be kissed. "Hey," she called over the music and conversations surrounding them, "I'm Debby."

"Josh," he said, clearly more than a few drinks into the night, "It's noice to meetcha beautiful!" He grinned at her, a drunken, lopsided grin that only spoke of friendly intentions. He offered her a sip of his drink, not exactly sure what it was. 

She waved him off. "No thanks, I'm DD," she said, though she smiled as he drank, "So what brings you to this little party?" she asked, wanting to keep conversation going since he seemed nice enough and everyone else seemed to be completely hammered. 

"Bren's my bestie," he slurred, "I'm always down here." He grinned, looking around to see if he could spot Tyler, "What about you?" 

"My friends wanted someone who they could trust to not get drunk," she said, "So here I am, and I'll probably be around tomorrow night, charging people for rides." She grinned, ten dollars a drive means I'll start the school year with five hundred dollars in my pocket." 

He laughed, furrowing his eyebrows at her, "You're really smart... Aren't you?" he asked, scanning the room again to see if he could spot his best friend. 

"Eh, not really," she shrugged, still grinning brightly, "I've made some pretty stupid decisions lately." She frowned, "But I'll survive." 

He didn't hear, all he saw was Tyler playing spin the bottle. The bottle landed on a girl and the small crowd cheered. Tyler stood up, taking her hand and leading her into the closet. Josh couldn't help the jealousy that tore at his soul. He finished his drink and looked at Debby. "I'm two blocks down. How much was a ride?" 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 3: 2064 Words
> 
> Kudos, Comments, and Critiques are always appreciated <3
> 
> ~ Will


	4. August 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before I begin, this chapter has a heavy trigger warning. In it the main character is drugged and sexual assaulted. There is also what happens following the assault as his friends get him help. PLEASE BE CAREFUL IF ANY OF THESE THINGS WILL CAUSE YOU PAIN. DO NOT READ IF THIS MATERIAL WILL HARM YOU

The party was exactly the sort of thing that Josh had been expecting. Lights in the windows flashing to the beat of the music that could be heard as the walked towards the door. There were people milling about on the lawn with red solo cups in their hands, all chatting and laughing and generally having a good time. Josh even spotted Debby hanging out by the door, playing on her phone as she waited for drunk teens who's DD had ditched them. She smiled at him and waved, he waved right back. 

Inside the crowd was almost overwhelming. The smell of weed was hanging thick in the air, mixing with alcohol. Josh made a beeline for the kitchen with Tyler on his heels, getting them some cups of the host's famous punch. No one was actually sure what went into the stuff, but it was rumored to get you drunker than anyone has ever been. And that's what the boys were aiming for. As drunk as they could be. They didn't have school until Tuesday after all, they'd have time to nurse the hangovers. 

One glass was enough to get Josh to the dance floor, when he was usually more of a couch sitter. He drank, grinding against whoever was closest to him, boy or girl, he didn't care. He watched Tyler dance. He had the girl from the night before and she was dancing with him, her hips swaying and grinding against his. Josh could feel the jealousy building in the pit of his stomach, so he stepped out into the cool night air, standing and breathing it in. 

"You okay?" 

He turned and spotted Debby. "Yeah... Just... The guy I like has a girl by the hips and with the direction they're going, he's gonna be screwing her instead of me," he said, his words slurring as he spoke. 

She shook her head and rubbed his back. "Well... At least you're no knocked up with his kid," she said, her hand resting on her own stomach, "And trying to warn the girl he's with that he'll remove the condom without permission."

"Yikes..." He looked at her, "I... honestly can't say that I have any clue what you're going through, but it'll be okay. I know it will." He smiled softly, "If you want I can give you my number? And I'll be right here when you need me." 

She nodded. "Thank you..." she said, pulling him into a tight hug, "Now uh... I'll get you my number when you get a ride, but for now, go enjoy your party." 

"Sounds like a plan m'dear," he said as he hugged her back. He head back inside with one last smile at her, ready to get so drunk that he wouldn't remember it in the morning. 

**|| _TRIGGER WARNING! SEXUAL ASSAULT!_  ||**

The kitchen was packed, there were people everywhere. He got himself a cup of something alcoholic and moved on. The party wasn't at it's peak just yet and more people were arriving all the time. So it wasn't remarkable when his cup was knocked out of his hand. It was so unremarkable, and he was just inebriated enough, that he didn't even noticed when it was replaced with a new cup. It barely even registered, even when the alcohol was an entirely different kind. He drank without question, not even caring that he was being guided somewhere he didn't want to go by a pair of hands against his back. His feet stumbled against stairs and his cheek pressed into cool sheets. There was motion, there were touches, the air was cool against his back. He took a deep breath and the world faded around him, leaving everything in black. 

When he came to, it was slow. The alcohol still coursing through his veins making things difficult. He heard things first, skin on skin and the sound of grunting. It smelled like sex. Who was having sex. Then he felt it, the grip in his hips, the painful stretch. He screamed. There were hands on his wrists. Voices that blurred together, the bass of the music shaking the floor. He screamed again and something was shoved in his mouth. 

The mans pace picked up and Josh knew what was coming. Tears slipped down his cheeks as he struggled, kicking and twisting as the man pushed himself deeper to finish. Josh could feel it pooled inside himself. It was hot and disgusting. He was gonna be sick. He needed Tyler. He needed someone. 

He didn't feel the man pull out, but he could feel the liquid on his thighs. He hit the ground, his breath catching in his throat. He couldn't breath. He was sobbing and he couldn't breath. The room was spinning and the pain. It hurt so bad. He didn't know that something could hurt so bad. 

The men were gone. They had left. Josh didn't know how long they were gone. He tried to scream, but his lungs weren't working. It hurt so bad. The thoughts swirled in his mind, driving him into darkness as he curled up and sobbed, not sure what to do. 

**|| _IT'S OVER (But there will be discussion throughout the rest of the chapter)_  ||**

Josh came to in a car with fingers in his hair. He recognized the car. He could hear murmuring. Someone was talking. Telling him it would be okay. It was dark still. 

"It's gonna be okay," he heard, "I promise it will be okay. You're gonna be okay," the voice kept repeating. They were crying. Tyler was crying. Josh turned to look up at him. He was staring straight ahead. That's when he realized that the car wasn't even moving. 

"Ty..." he managed, his throat burned with the half of a name, "I... it hurts..." 

Tyler didn't reply, just hugged Josh close. He pressed kisses to the other man's face. Sobbing into his shirt, not knowing what had happened to his best friend and not wanting to know. It was bad, that was all either of them knew. Josh had been hurt. He'd been hurt bad. 

"Wh- What-?" Josh managed. Every bone in his body ached. Every inch of his skin was on fire. He knew his legs wouldn't work if he tried to use them. 

"I c- couldn't find you-" Tyler choked out, "And when I did... I'm so sorry Josh... I wasn't in time... I'm so fucking sorry..." There were tears running down his cheeks, 

"S'okay..." Josh slurred, dragging Tyler closer, "Love you Ty... Love you... s'okay..." He murmured. 

There was another voice and Josh realized whose car he was in and why it was so familiar. Of course it was hers. He really should've known. "Josh... You should let me take you to the hospital... You should see a doctor," Debby said, her voice soft as she rested a hand on his shoulder. 

He shook his head. "No," he said, "No, no, no, nonono..." He buried his face in Tyler's chest, still not processing what had happened to him, "I wanna go home... Please... Take me home..." 

"Josh... Nobody has to know... They can take samples... and... try to find who did this to you..." she said. He could feel fingers in his hair. 

"No," he said, "I wanna go home..." 

He heard soft words between her and Tyler, then the car engine started and they were on the road. He didn't know where they were going, he just kept his nose in Tyler's shirt, breathing him in and trying not to think. He didn't want to remember. He didn't want to know. He didn't want to face the pain. 

They arrived at his house and Tyler thanked Debby, pressing a kiss to her cheek, and telling her to stay in the driveway. He'd wave from Josh's window when they were settled. Josh didn't listen, just leaned heavily against Tyler, not listening to the conversation. Just trying to not think about what was dripping down his thigh. 

"I'm gonna be sick..." he muttered, pulling away from Tyler and stumbling to the nearest planter. He was happy he'd eaten at the party. It gave him something to get rid of. Tears stung his cheeks as got rid of everything in his system. He felt hands on his back and he looked up to see Tyler standing above him. God he loved the other man. He loved him so much. 

Tyler helped him to stand. He still felt queasy. He looked over to Debby. She looked like she was crying too. There was makeup running down her face where the tears were. He turned, looking straight forward at the house. 

"I wanna shower..." he said as Tyler half dragged him into the house. He wanted to scrub it off he needed to scrub the feeling of the other man off his skin. He never even saw the guys face. He just wanted to get him off. He looked at his wrists. They were so bruised. "I'm gonna be sick again..." 

Tyler immediately steered him to the downstairs bathroom where he fell to his knees, dry heaving between harsh sobs. Everything hurt. It all hurt so fucking bad. 

He wasn't sure how he ended up in the upstairs bathroom, sitting on the closed toilet while Tyler helped him get undressed. "Please don't tell anyone..." he said, staring straight ahead, "Please don't..."

"I won't tell," Tyler said, "I promise, and I'll tell Debby not to tell either. Ok?" 

Josh really didn't register the words. "What did you say to the others?" he asked, knowing that the party was far from over and that their friends would be wondering where they went. 

"I told them that..." Tyler sighed, "You and I needed some private time away from everyone else... They got the message." 

Josh nodded. Hearing the words but completely unable to understand them. He felt Tyler reach up to take off his boxers and slapped his hands away, "NO!" he almost shouted, "Please... please don't..." He knew Tyler had seen every inch of him already, but it didn't matter now. 

Tyler nodded, deciding to leave his own underwear on as well. He started the water. Josh reached out, turning it hotter and hotter until Tyler reached out and turned it back down. They climbed into the shower together, Josh, trying to cover himself, trying not to release the sobs that were collecting in his throat as Tyler wiped sweat, spilled alcohol, and things Josh didn't want to think about off of his skin. When the rag reached his thighs, he broke down. He slowly folded in on himself, sobs racking his body as he reached out to turn the water up. He grabbed the nearest rag, desperately scrubbing at his skin. 

"I want him off," he choked out, "Get him off of me... Please... Get him off..." 

Tyler kneeled down, gently shushing him, not wanted his siblings to wake up. "Sh... Babe... He's gone... I've got you... He's gone..." 

Josh couldn't breath through the tears. It was too much. There was too much. He couldn't handle it all. He clung to Tyler as the other boy turned off the water and lifted him out of the tub, murmuring soft sweet nothings to him to calm him down. The tears didn't stop falling as he was carried to his room where Tyler helped him into sweatpants and got him into bed. There was a brief moment when the other boy disappeared, and Josh almost panicked. But then his arms were around him again and Josh's nose was in his shoulder. 

"I'm not gonna let you go..." Tyler said, "I promise. I'm gonna stay right here and keep you safe. I promise."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 4: 1933 Words
> 
> Kudos, Comments, and Critiques are always welcome 
> 
> ~ Will


	5. 1 week

August 27

Josh sat in a police station, trying not think about why he was there. He felt numb. So incredibly numb. He'd told them everything that he could remember, but still there was so much missing. He'd given them the clothes he'd been wearing. Even the underwear. They took what evidence they could from... places and took pictures of the bruises on his wrists, hips, and thighs. There were even bruises on his throat. He didn't know when or how he got them. But they were there. He'd wear a sweatshirt for the first few days of school to hide them. 

Tyler was there next to him. They'd questioned him too and Josh had finally found out what had happened. Tyler had realized he didn't know where Josh was, so he began searching. People had said he was out talking to Debby, Debby said she hadn't seen him for a couple hours. It had taken a while, but someone said they saw a big guy leading a boy with green hair to a bedroom. Tyler had found Josh passed out on the floor with tear tracks on his face and his pants around his thighs. He'd said there was blood too. 

The police said Josh should go to the hospital and get tested. They wanted him to make sure he didn't get any STD's, and that there was no tearing or severe damage. Tyler drove him. He refused to make eye contact. Just stared at the road ahead, trying not to cry. He felt Tyler's hand on his and he pulled away. He didn't want to be touched. He never wanted to be touched again. 

August 28

Josh was ripped from his sleep, a scream dying in his throat before it could be released. There was sweat across his forehead and the ghost of hands on his skin. He looked at the time. Four AM. He choked on a sob, trying to keep quiet so his family wouldn't hear. 

School was starting the day. He was supposed to be ready before. He'd been so ready for the year. Now he doubted he would survive it. He climbed out of bed, not wanting to wake his family. He grabbed his pack of cigarettes, pulled on some sweats, and climbed out his window onto the roof, just sitting and smoking, trying to calm his nerves. 

Sitting hurt, so he lay back against the shingles. How the hell was he going to make it through the first day of school if he couldn't even sit down? How did Tyler find sex enjoyable? Especially when Josh knew he could be rough on the other at times. He took a long drag from his cigarette. He probably didn't enjoy it at all. He probably hated it. Josh sighed. 

He took several deep breaths to calm himself, able to feel his heart jumping up his throat and trying to beat it's way through his teeth. He took another drag from his cigarette and stared up at the stars, hating how his body felt. It felt like it had been stolen. Like it wasn't his. Like parties were deadly rather than fun. He finish his cigarette and flicked it into the gutter, wanting to scream. He didn't though, he just climbed into his room and into bed, unable to sleep for the rest of the night. 

August 29

School was a drag. It dragged on and on. It was like the world was in slow motion, and Josh was numb. He'd worn jeans, a t-shirt, and a black hoodie. He kept the hood up when he could, he sat in the back of all of his classes. He felt eyes on him, even when no one was looking. He wondered if they knew what had happened. It felt like they all knew. They all knew he was broken and destroyed. His hands shook too much to pick up the pieces. 

Lunch was an awful affair. He sat with his friends and some others, but he could've been sitting across the cafeteria for the effort he made to interact. They were all talking about the people in their classes and the teachers. Tyler did his best to deflect the attention away from Josh, which he appreciated. When someone tried to ask him what was wrong, he would deflect, saying that he was tired and that he felt sick. 

The rest of the day dragged on and on until Josh finally gave up and went to the nurses office. He needed to lay down for a minute and just not think. Voices weren't processing and he just needed the world to stop for a minute before he could even begin to try to keep up. When the nurse sent him back to class, he went out front of the school and sat on the steps, doing his countdown and trying to force himself back into reality. 

August 31

"Hey Josh." 

Josh didn't look up at the sound of Ashley's voice, just kept his head down and kept on walking. He'd fallen into a routine of avoidance. He didn't want to talk about why he was so sad. He wasn't even sure he was sad. He mostly just felt so incredibly numb. He hated feeling so fucking numb. 

"Joshua William Dun. You turn around and face me." 

He kept walking. He didn't want to talk to her or anyone. He needed to get away. He turned into the band hall, needing a nice corner to curl up in. He heard her following him. Her footsteps sounded pissed. He didn't care. He didn't want to care. 

"You know there's no exit. Right? You're cornered down here." 

Shit. He hadn't thought of that. He sighed, coming to a halt in the middle of the band hall. He knew that if he faced her, she would know that this was far beyond his usual teen mood swings. This was like nothing any of them had ever faced before. But he had. It had broken him. 

"Turn around and talk to me," she ordered, "Josh... I'm your friend. I'm here to help you." 

He was biting his lip so hard that he could taste blood. He bit down harder. Feeling that pain meant feeling something. He needed to feel anything. The hand on his shoulder surprised him, making him jump. 

"You've been acting off since the party," Ash said. Josh could see her face now. She was so pretty. No, she'd been pretty in middle school, now she was drop dead gorgeous. Dark hair, dark eyes, cheekbones that a model would kill for. She looked worried. 

He knew that she could see him too. The bags under his eyes, the faded bruises just below his jaw. She could see that whatever had happened had stolen the shine from his eyes. He didn't answer, just let her look. 

"Did Tyler do something?" she asked, her hand moving to cup his cheek. 

He pulled aways from the touch. He didn't like being touched. He never wanted to be touched again. "No," he said, "It wasn't Tyler." He spoke bluntly, so the period at the end of the statement seemed to hang in the air between them. 

"Who did this?" She asked, her gaze flicking down to the bruises, and the slight hollowness of his cheeks, realizing that he probably hadn't eaten much in the past few days. 

"I don't know," he said. He didn't elaborate. He didn't want her to know the details. He turned, trying to walk away as the anxiety started to build. She was going to ask more questions. She was going to know what they'd done to him, how they'd hurt him. He could feel the air being sucked out of his lungs when her hand gripped his wrist. 

He yanked away from her, his fear so bright in his eyes that even she could feel it. His blood had run cold as the simple touch dragged up the memories that were still so fresh in his mind. Logically, he knew she would never hurt him. She was Ashley, she was the one he went to for everything. But the memories were too much for him. He ran. 

He didn't stop. He couldn't stop. He pushed past the other students and through the schools doors. He ran and ran until he couldn't breath. Until he had collapsed onto the pavement, coughing up sobs and rubbing his wrists, trying to put his thoughts back together. He didn't want people to know. He didn't want them to see what had happened, he didn't want them to see him as a freak. 

He got up and kept walking, keeping his head down. He didn't stop. He just walked and walked until he was sitting on a swing set. It was a familiar place. A safe place. He needed the safe place. He needed to be where they couldn't get to him. 

September 1

Friday. The first Friday of the school year. Josh's leg bounced as he anxiously watched the clock. He needed out. He'd managed to avoid Ashley all day, and he was ten minutes away from bolting to his car so that he could avoid answering any calls and texts all weekend. He didn't want to talk. No interaction at all. He couldn't do it. He couldn't handle his friends knowing anything. He didn't want to be pushed over the edge. 

The bell rang and he went to bolt, but Brendon was waiting. He caught Josh by the shoulder with a vice like grip, making it clear that he wasn't about to let go. It made Josh's heart stop. His breath caught in his throat as his anxiety immediately started to build. 

"Let go..." he said, his voice small and shaky, and so incredibly un-Josh-like that Brendon almost let go because he thought he'd grabbed the wrong person. But he held on. 

"You need to apologize to Ash. She came to me in tears yesterday because of what happened," Brendon said, his voice firm and commanding, "You running off like that really scared her. You owe her an explanation." 

"Please. Let go..." Josh said again, trying to shake Brendon off, feeling trapped. His claustrophobia was hitting him full force. He knew that it would be obvious with the way that he was anxiously squirmed in Brendon's grip. 

"Just listen to me," Brendon said, "Promise you'll let me speak, then I'll let go." 

"I'll let you speak," Josh said, starting to panic, "Promise. Please just- let go.." He didn't like being touched. Even the softest brush of a hand felt like it burned, and Brendon's grip made him want to rip his own arm off. 

Brendon waited a moment to debate whether Josh was being honest, then let go. "You try to bolt again, and I'll find a way to make sure you listen." 

Josh nodded, willing to do anything as long as no one touched him again. He tried to take several subtle breaths to calm himself down so that he wouldn't bolt, but he knew that Brendon saw. 

"Dude," Brendon said, "I don't know what happened to you, but it's clear that it's got you really fucked up. You can't keep running though. Everyone's worried about you. Tyler's barely even functioning right now. I get that you've gotta do your thing and get through this, but you gotta stop pushing us away. We want to help you Josh. We want you to feel like yourself again Promise me. Promise me that you'll try to get better." 

Josh took a deep breath, staring at the floor and trying nor to think. "Can I leave?" he said, "I've got a lot of homework."

"Bullshit," Brendon said, "We both know that, even if you do have a lot of homework, you're not gonna do it." He tapped his foot in irritation. "Look at me." 

"Please let me leave," Josh practically begged, just wanting to get out, "I'm... I can't..." 

"Look at me." 

Josh looked up at Brendon, tear tracks on his cheeks. His hair was a mess and the bags under his eyes were just getting darker. Brendon didn't gasp and back away or even look concerned. He just stepped closer. 

"Look Josh, I know something really shitty happened. I don't know what, but I can tell it was bad. Right now you've got a choice. You can either let your friends help you, or you can push us aside and keep on spiraling." He took a deep breath. "We're all really worried. Please, please don't push us away. We really do care." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 5: 2098 words
> 
> Kudos, comments, and critiques always appreciated
> 
> Thank you to everyone for reading <3
> 
> ~ Will


	6. 2 Weeks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gonna throw a trigger warning on this chapter because of the nightmare Josh has on September 7, which is about the assault. Just skip the italics if you don't want to read it.

September 2

Josh sat in the shower. His family was out, so it was just him, and no one to yell that he was using up all the hot water. He was scrubbing his skin raw. He was hoping that if he scrubbed hard enough, he'd be able to wash the feeling away. He wanted to scrub away wherever they had touched, but he didn't know where that was, so he was just scrubbing everywhere. 

The water was hot. As hot as he could get it. It burned his skin, and part of him knew that he would look strange when he got out. Most of him really didn't care. He just kept on scrubbing, getting every bit of the experience off of his skin. They didn't deserve his body. They had no right to steal it from him. He wouldn't let them. It was his. His body. No one else's. It was his body. 

When he got out of the shower, his skin raw and red, stinging when anything touched it, he looked in the mirror. His hair was still tinted green. He hated it. He opened the cupboard, searching for the bleach, wanting to make a change, not wanting things that would remind him of that night. 

September 4

Josh took a deep breath as he moved through the halls, wearing a flannel over a t-shirt and jeans. He stood taller than he had before. He supposed Brendon might have gotten through to him. Something he had said had tipped the scale, and Josh was ready to move on. Well, not ready, but he was gonna try. He was still wearing sleeves to hide the marks on his wrists, but he wanted to get better. 

"Josh!" he took a deep breath and turned, smiling at Tyler, hoping he looked a little less like he wanted to die, "Your hair... Is pink..." Tyler said, pointing up at Josh's freshly dyed hair. 

"Yeah," Josh nodded, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly. He had a bunch of colors stored away, but he'd tossed the rest of the green. He never wanted to be green again. 

"And... You're wearing... not a hoodie..." Tyler said, "You look... amazing." He grinned up at Josh, happy to see him doing so much better, even if it was all appearance. 

"I figured it was time to make a change," Josh said, "Besides, we have most of our classes together and I really can't avoid you forever." He smiled, feeling good for the first time since what had happened. He was putting in the effort. He really did want to get better. 

The rest of the day was a blur and Josh worked through it. Ashley was out sick, and there was a knowing glint in Brendon's eye when Josh actually talked to everyone at lunch. Despite a huge step in the right direction though, he was still struggling. There were bags under his eyes from lack of sleep, and he wasn't touching his food. He couldn't focus in class and his breath caught in his throat whenever someone so much as brushed too close to him. He realized it was easier to brush by under the radar when he was fake happy, they didn't ask, they just let him pretend. 

September 5

Josh had been hoping Ash would still be out sick. The only person who knew him better was Tyler. He wasn't so lucky. Or perhaps he was. He was hanging out, waiting for the bell to ring, when he saw her talking to Hayley, still looking sniffly. He took a deep breath, his heart pounding nervously as he started walking over. Brendon was right though, he owed her an apology. She deserved that much, especially when he was keeping so many secrets from her. 

"Hey," he said, his anxiety building when Hayley's eyes narrowed. He knew how protective she could be of Ashley, "I uh..." His throat felt rather dry and he felt the air being sucked from his lungs as he looked between the two, "Ash... Can we talk? In private?" 

Hayley raised an eyebrow, and looked ready to protest, but Ash shot her a look and she backed off. "Alright," Ash said, offering up her arm, "Let's walk." 

He smiled, taking a deep breath and setting a hesitant hand on her arm. It wasn't so bad, but that was the farthest he was going to go. He walked with her, out into the football field and to the bleachers where no one would hear them. He knew he might break down, but wasn't actually sure how much he'd be telling her. He was afraid he might just tell her everything. 

"So what's up?" she asked, tilting her head to the side. There was nothing too friendly about the way she asked, and it was clear she was bitter about the week before. Josh had never done anything like that before, she'd been the first person he'd told when he lost his virginity for crying out loud. She knew about every crush he'd ever had. They were best friends. 

"You deserve an explanation..." he said, his voice soft and nervous, "About... last week. And what happened at-" he took a deep breath, "at the party." It hurt to even say it. It hurt to face it. It brought back the ghost hands and the ache in his hips. It hurt so bad. 

She furrowed her eyebrows, able to tell that what had happened was big. Bigger than she had expected even. "Josh?" she said softly, "You don't have to tell me... I was just... I worry... I don't want to push you if this will make you uncomfortable..." 

He shook his head. "I- I think I need to be uncomfortable," he admitted, his heart beating in his throat as he spoke, making it difficult to find the right words, "I uh... Don't remember much..." He admitted, "But... I remember saying no... I uh... He wouldn't stop... and it hurt. I remember the pain more than anything..." He trailed off, wiping his cheek before realizing that no tears were falling. 

Ashley's eyes widened, realizing what he was saying, "Oh... Oh Josh..." she said, reaching out to take his hand, which he pulled away. 

"There was another one," he said, "He was holding my wrists..." He rolled back his sleeve to show her the faded bruises, "When you grabbed my wrist... I didn't see you. I saw him. I don't remember what he looked like, but I saw him. So I ran..." He took a deep breath. 

He could tell it was taking all of her effort to not pull him into a hug, so he reached out, offering first. He realized it felt good to be hugged. It made him feel warm despite the early September chill. And he hugged her back, letting her hold him for just a moment. This was the touch he wanted. This was the touch he craved. 

September 6

**Text from Debby Jillinski** :hey josh! it's been awhile. 

**Text from Kermit** : yeah it really has

**Text from Debby Jillinski** : we should get food or something

**Text from Kermit** :sure! what's your bun craving? 

**Text from Debby Jillinski** :bun? 

**Text from Kermit** :bun in the oven

**Text from Debby Jillinski** :ooooohhhh. carbs. bread. pasta. let's get pasta.

**Text from Kermit** :sounds like a plan. i'll be available any time after school

Josh was hanging out at the store, waiting for Debby. They'd decided to just go to the meal section at the store and pick what they wanted, then eat at the picnic tables rather than actually go and sit at a restaurant. It would be more casual that way. Just two friends hanging out. 

She was doing the sweatshirt thing. Wearing a large sweatshirt with a logo that read "Fame Riot" and yoga pants. To anyone else, she was another teenage girl doing teenager things. To Josh, he realized that she was probably starting to get a bit of a bump. They grabbed their food, she got pasta salad, he got some tempura sushi and just talked. 

They talked for hours, just catching up since they hadn't seen each other since the party. She told him about the teen mom group she was a part of, and how Samantha was such a bitch who thought she was better than all of them, and how June was probably gonna give her kid FAS since she was doing literally everything wrong. Josh told her about his classes and how his friends were doing. When there was no more gossip to catch up on, they just made things up. She told him that he was "Kermit" in her phone because of the green hair, but changed it to, "Cotton Candy Man" when he told her why that made him uncomfortable. She didn't exactly understand the "Debby Jillinski" reference with her contact name, and he promised to force her to watch Addams Family Values. 

It felt good to talk to someone he didn't go to school with, who didn't expect Josh to fall in love with her, who let him vent about his feelings for someone else and offered advice, then did the same so he could offer his own words of wisdom. It just felt good to talk. He found himself smiling even as they said their goodbyes. It felt good to feel happy. 

September 7

_Hands. Pain. Darkness. He was screaming for Tyler, his parents, anyone. But no sound was coming out. There was something in his mouth muffling his voice. Or maybe he had no voice left. He wasn't sure. His nails were shredding the sheets beneath him. The grunting was getting louder. Who was grunting? There was something heavy around his neck. There were murmurs of a gathered crowd. Tears streamed down his cheeks as he tried to get out, tried to get away, tried to do anything._

_He was choking. The weight around his neck was getting heavier. The air was being sucked from his lungs. He wasn't going to make it. He was going to die._

Josh was ripped from his nightmare by the sound of his alarm. He was breathing heavily and his heart pounded in his chest, he knew there was a cold sweat across his forehead. The memories were strong enough to make him sick. But he held himself together and started to get ready for Thursday, exhausted from what should've been a restful night's sleep. 

Tyler invited Jenna to sit with them at lunch turns out, she was the girl he'd been dancing with. She was really nice, but Josh wasn't in the mood to talk to someone new. He really wasn't ready to speak or interact with anyone. But he put on a smile and chatted with her. It was incredibly clear that she was desperately in love with Tyler, and Josh couldn't help the jealousy that pooled in the pit of his stomach. But with everything going on, he didn't have the energy to address his lingering crush on his best friend. Especially not with Jenna sitting between them. 

It was just high school. When it was over he and Tyler were going to go separate directions anyways, so it wasn't like Jenna was coming between them or anything. There was really nothing between them for her to ruin considering Tyler and Josh had never actually talked about their whole 'friends with benefits' relationship. So clearly, she wasn't harming anyone. Josh sighed at his own thought process. He was such a terrible liar, even when he was lying to himself. He really needed to work on that. 

Being fake happy was so tiring. But he had an image to keep up. He could be sad on the weekend. He could let it all out. He could sit and be numb. He wouldn't have to interact with humans. He could just sit in his room or play drums for the sake of making noise. All he had to do was make it through to the weekend. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 6: 2005 Words
> 
> Kudos, comments, and critiques are loved
> 
> Thank you for reading!
> 
> ~ The genderqueer bean (Will)


	7. 3 Weeks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heads Up! Sexual content on September 14. Not much, just masturbation. But I thought I'd worn you just in case.

September 9

The weekend. It was good. Josh laid back in his bed letting the numbness wash over him. He didn't need to smile and be happy and make a show of moving on. He just let himself exist, and not exist he supposed. It felt good. Sitting in the dark and not existing. It was what he needed at that particular time. Of course he had to face reality at some point, and that point came at about one in the afternoon with a light knock on his door. 

He was sitting on his bed with sweats on, listening to music and scrolling through tumblr on his laptop. He looked up at the sound and saw his mom in the doorway, she had a plate in her hand with a sandwich on it. He furrowed his eyebrows, pulling out his headphones to show that he was listening. 

She took it as an invitation to come in. "I made you lunch," she said, "You didn't come to dinner last night, or breakfast, so I thought you might be hungry." She smiled softly and Josh was hit that no one would ever love him this much. 

"Yeah... They're really piling on the studies," he said, brushing it off as he took the sandwich, "Guess I just kinda forgot..." He smiled, wanting to look like everything was okay, showing her how fake happy he was. 

"You should have your friends over ," she said, "Or at least Tyler. You haven't been hanging out with them lately." 

He quickly took a bite of the sandwich, nodding so that he wouldn't have to answer. He hadn't realized how aware she was, and wondered if his sister had been saying anything about his behavior at school. 

"You know you can talk to me if there's something wrong," she said, reaching out to set a hand on his shoulder. It took all his effort to not pull away. 

"Yeah Mom," he said, "I know. I'll call Tyler and see if he wants to hang out." He knew that was lie. He really didn't want to see anyone. He didn't want to interact with anyone. He just wanted to let himself be numb so that he could survive the week. 

She nodded, and he could tell she was believing him just so she wouldn't have to worry. He hated himself for making her worry. 

September 10

There they were at the swing set. Tyler had called Josh, and Josh had agreed to hang out. He wasn't in a drinking mood, but he had a beer can in his hand anyways, sipping it slowly and staring at the mud from the nights rain. The days were starting to feel more and more like fall, colder, wetter, shorter. There wasn't color in the leaves yet, but there would be soon enough. 

Tyler was talking to him. He was saying something funny that Jenna had done. Josh smiled, and nodded, pretending to listen and trying not to fall apart. He wanted to yell at Tyler, he wanted to scream. He wanted to know what the hell had happened to their own romance. He wanted Tyler. But that was the thing. He was supposed to be better. He was supposed to be getting through. He needed Tyler to think he was moving on and growing up. So he stayed silent, knowing he'd never kiss the other boy again, and letting that knowledge break his heart. 

September 11

Monday was rough. The exhaustion Josh had been dealing with seemed to be getting worse. He almost fell asleep in his english class, his cheek resting in his palm and his elbow against the desk. He was struggling, but he was unwilling to admit it. He was just so tired. The scary part was that his teacher noticed. 

"Mr. Dun," he said, waving for the boy to stay back for a moment, "Can I speak with you about something?" 

Josh groaned, not wanting to address the fact that he hadn't turned in a single assignment. He just couldn't focus when his mind was so... he didn't even know. He just couldn't get himself to care about his work. He turned, heading up to Mr. Way's desk. "Yeah?" he asked, making it obvious that he was not in the mood and definitely never would be. 

Mr. Way had a soft expression on his face, making it clear that he wasn't going to try to assault Josh and try to force the information out of him. "I was just looking at grades and... well... you are currently at a zero," he said, "So I was just wondering if there was any way we could work together to bring that up."

Josh shrugged, not saying anything. It was obvious that even though he was trying to act like he didn't care, there was something in him that did. "'Dunno," he said, "I mean... I dunno.." 

"Josh, you know you were in my State History class last year right?" Mr. Way asked, wanting to make a point, and Josh knew what it was going to be. 

He just couldn't figure out how to make anything matter. Fake happy was easy, this was so much harder. He nodded to show that he remembered. That class was amazing, it had been so incredibly fun. 

"Now, I know you weren't a straight A student," Mr. Way said, "But you were incredibly smart. And I don't think I ever saw you without a smile." He sighed, "I know it's really none of my business, but if you need help, we can find help. This school, the staff, we're here to support you." 

Josh knew better than to believe any of that fat load of shit. Sure, teachers were supposed to help and support and work with their students, but Josh was pretty sure Mr. Way was one of the few teachers who actually lived up to that expectation in any way, but he nodded, pretending like he believed what his teacher was saying. "Yeah... I should really be getting to Weight Training..." 

"Hey Josh," Mr. Way said, "If you need a break, this is my planning period. Just pick a desk and I'll write you a note saying that we were setting up a plan to get your grades on track." 

Josh paused, considering the offer, then he moved to a desk where nobody walking by would see him through the window, just needing to shut his eyes for a bit. Just needing to sleep it off while he could.

September 12

"I still don't get it," Josh said, trying to force himself to absorb the information that his friends were trying to teach him. He'd agreed to let Tyler help him with his math, but he had two weeks worth of homework and assignments to catch up on and it was extremely overwhelming. 

Tyler sighed, setting down the pencil. They'd been at it for over an hour, and had managed to get through a few assignments, but Josh was very behind there was still a lot more work to get done. "Why don't we take a quick break?" he suggested, "We can go down to Taco Bell and get some food." 

Josh nodded, taking a deep breath. He didn't want Taco Bell, he wanted to curl up in a ball and cry. It was like there were sheets of glass between him and everything he needed to be able to do. He could see where he needed to be, he just couldn't reach it. He knew he had to break the glass, but it just felt so unbreakable. He groaned, just laying his forehead on the table. "I'm sorry, I can't," he said, "I died." 

He couldn't see it, but he knew Tyler was rolling his eyes. "C'mon yah lump," he said, pulling Josh's chair back, then sighing as his friend dramatically fell to the ground, "You just need some caffeine and then you'll be good." 

Josh groaned, the thought of any sort of energy drink making him incredibly queasy. He rolled over so he was face down on the floor, "Noo.." he whined, "I need a nap..." 

"Well you can't just nap on the floor," Tyler said, folding his arms over his chest, trying to look angry, but actually incredibly amused. He knew Josh struggled, and he desperately wanted to hug him and just do the work for him. But the other boy needed to do well on the tests as well as the homework. 

"Watch me," Josh said, "I'll nap wherever I damn well please." He didn't want to move. He didn't want to look at the table and see the piles of assignments he needed to work through. He didn't even want to accidentally glance at it and be reminded how far behind he was. He couldn't do it. 

Tyler sighed and bent down, gripping Josh under his arms and lifting him up, dragging him over to the bed. "Nap," he commanded, "I'm gonna go make us snacks. Then we'll figure all this out. Trust me Josh, we'll get through it." Josh huffed, but it didn't take long before he was asleep, not dreaming at all, but snoring rather loudly. 

When he woke up, all the piles of papers were cleared off the desk, leaving only one paper, the math book, and half a grilled cheese sandwich. Tyler was napping next to him, his arm wrapped around Josh's waist and his nose buried between his shoulder blades. The lack of mess somehow made the idea of doing the work easier. It wasn't all on his shoulders at once, it was just one assignment at a time. He took a deep breath and smiled, resting for just a minute longer. He could do it. He could make it through. 

September 14

Josh was sore. He didn't know why or how, but his chest ached in a way he didn't know existed. He would've blamed weight training, but they'd been doing leg work. He tried to dismiss it as nothing, but he couldn't. His chest just hurt. He ended up cutting Spanish and going home to just lay down and relax. He figured it was the stress of getting caught up in all his classes. Thank god he had Tyler to help. 

Tyler. Josh's mind focused on the other boy, and suddenly he was the only thing he could think about. It was driving him insane how the other boy was on his mind. Memories of the nights they'd shared came pouring in, and Josh had to bite his lip. For the first time in forever, he was horny. Really horny. He checked the time, making sure no one would be there for a few hours then popped open his jeans. 

He hadn't touched himself since before the party. And god it felt so fucking good, every inch of him was so hypersensitive and he had no idea why. He bit down on his knuckles, groaning as memories of Tyler flooded his fantasies. Such good memories. Memories of the other boy beneath him and memories of his mouth around him. Fuck he was good with his mouth. He reached his climax with Tyler's name on his lips, then lay back, catching his breath. 

He didn't know where the hell that had come from. Teen hormones was the most likely suspect. He took a deep breath and sat up, cleaning himself off, only to come to the realization that his chest still hurt. Not as bad as it had been, but it was incredibly sensitive. He sighed, muttering about needing a shower to help himself relax. That was all. He just needed to relax. 

September 15

Josh woke up and his chest still hurt. Not as bad as it had been the day before, but it was like his nipples were hypersensitive and when the fabric of his shirt brushed against them, it burned. He sighed, debating whether or not to fake illness and get out of going to school. He was pretty nauseous, not enough to throw up though. He sighed, climbing out of bed and deciding to just deal with it. It was Friday after all. He would survive it. And then he would have the weekend to not wear a shirt. God he hoped that would help. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 7: 2047 Words
> 
> Thank you for reading <3
> 
> Votes, Comments, and Critiques are much appreciated
> 
> ~Will


	8. 4 Weeks

September 16

Saturday was cold. But not cold enough for Josh to bother with a shirt. It rained and thundered and lightening-ed. Which was the perfect excuse to stay inside all day and do nothing. His nausea was persisting, which was annoying as fuck, but he figure it was just the illness that had been going around, the usual back to school cold. A lot of people had been out with nausea after all. It was nothing to worry about. He knew it wasn't. 

Tyler came over. He'd been over most evenings that week, so it wasn't much of a surprise. What Josh struggled with was helping him come up with ideas for asking Jenna to Homecoming, which would be in late October. He was already dead set on asking her, not even noticing the hurt in Josh's eyes when he told him. It hurt. It meant Tyler and Jenna would be dating. It meant Josh couldn't kiss Tyler and hold him close and love him like he'd never loved anybody else. He didn't say it out loud, he didn't even dare to think it, but he felt used. He was beginning to wonder if Tyler had ever really felt anything for him. 

September 17

Josh woke up at way too early. He wasn't sure how he managed it, but he reached the toilet in time. His mom found him bent over the toilet, his burning forehead pressed against the seat in an attempt to cool down and his breathing heavy. She brought him a glass of water and rubbed his back, speaking softly as she felt his forehead. 

He didn't manage to get out of the bathroom until six. Every time he tried to stand, he ended up right back on his knees, heaving into the toilet. His mom stayed with him, bringing him water and crackers so that he would have something in his stomach to get rid of rather than just dry heaving. He hated it. He hated being sick. It was the worst thing ever and he hated it. 

When he was able, she guided him back to his room and helped him into bed, leaving a glass of water on his bedside table so that he would have something to drink when he woke up. He didn't even have time to thank him before he was back asleep. 

He awoke around eleven, feeling like he'd been he'd been hit by a train. He groaned, and rolled over, deciding he wasn't waking up. Everything was terrible and the world hated him. That much was completely obvious even if it wasn't true at all. At least his mom was the greatest mom ever. He knew that was a fact. 

September 19

Josh woke up to knocking on his door. It was one in the afternoon on a Tuesday and the second day of school that he'd missed. He groaned as he went to answer, assuming it was Tyler with his homework, since he had texted earlier to get it. He was pleasantly surprised with everyone. Brendon, Sarah, Ash, Hayley, Jenna, even Debby, and of course, Tyler.

"Hey guys," he said, "What are you all doing here? Haven't you heard that the house is contagious?" He frowned, not wanting them to get sick too. 

"Why do you think we're here?" Brendon asked jokingly, pushing past Josh to come inside, "Please, infect me, don't let them make me go to school!" He waved his arms dramatically. 

Tyler followed Brendon, "You could just skip," he pointed out, "It's not like your parents would care." He had his backpack on, Josh figured it had his make-up work in it. 

The girls followed, all chatting about Homecoming and whether or not they would be going. Brendon, everyone already knew, was going with Sarah, but everyone else in the group was pretty much dateless. Josh found himself getting fairly excited about the night though, and he enjoyed hearing the girls talking about what sort of dresses they wanted to wear. 

Then Josh realized that Debby had been rather quiet. She acted the part of being in the conversation, nodding and agreeing, but she never actually said anything for herself. So when she asked where the bathroom was, he didn't hesitate to lead her there so they could talk privately. 

"Hey Debby," he said, "Before you... go... Do you have a minute?" He could feel the nervousness filling his stomach, but he knew that Tyler was going to ask Jenna, and he knew that he needed to do this. 

She furrowed her brows, nodding slowly. "Yeah... What's up?" 

"Well... I mean... Do you want to go to homecoming with me?" he asked, "I mean... I'm gay, but, I saw the way you looked back there... And, I just wanted to make sure that you could get excited too." He smiled nervously, "A-and you don't have to say yes now! You can wait, and I'll make it a big ask if you want. I mean... I'd rather do something small-"

She cut him off. "What about Tyler?" she asked, knowing that Josh had a huge crush on the other boy. 

"He's gonna ask Jenna," Josh said, "I'll just have to ask him to prom I guess." He smiled, trying to bury his feelings for Tyler deep down in the pit of his stomach where they wouldn't show, "Besides, he'll understand. You deserve to feel special..." 

She hugged him tighter. "I think I'll say yes now," she said, "Just to make sure you don't decide to ask someone else." 

He hugged her back. "Wouldn't dream of it," he promised, and he meant it. He wanted nothing more than to give her a night where she could shine brighter than any star. 

September 20

He started hiding his sickness from his mom. He didn't want her to worry about him. He set his alarm and went downstairs so that she wouldn't hear. She didn't need to know he was still sick, and he was get out of bed in time to throw on jeans and head to school. Where he could be late to first because he was sick in the bathroom and no one would bat and I. It was public school after all. Nobody really cared all that much, there were kids with alcohol on their desks and most of the teachers didn't notice simply because they didn't want to deal with it. 

He was starving at lunch, and ate quickly, even offering to eat leftovers since he just felt so insanely hungry. He knew he'd regret it, but he also really didn't care. He wanted food, any food, and a lot of it. The nagging hunger didn't leave as he began working his way through the last half of his day. He found himself stopping at the vending machines in between classes just to see what snacks he could grab. 

September 21

He had to hide the sickness again. Setting the alarm and going downstairs. When he finished, he acted as though everything was normal and he wasn't terrified. But he was. He was so terrified that he couldn't pay attention to anything. His thoughts were just going around in circles. His classes blurred together leaving him utterly confused. 

During lunch he went to the library and grabbed a computer in the back corner, deciding that maybe Googling his symptoms would help. "sick 4 days" he typed, but that didn't turn up much. He frowned, trying,  "sick in the morning" next. That got some interesting results. But, he wasn't a carrier or anything, so he doubted it was anything that he would have to worry about. Especially since he always topped when he was with Tyler. In fact, there was only one time he'd ever bottomed, and he wasn't a carrier so it didn't matter so he wasn't going to think about it. He was just going to go outside and take several deep breaths to forget he had ever thought about it. Yet it nagged at his mind for the rest of the day, not wanting to leave him alone.

September 22

"Hey mom?" Josh asked, appearing in the kitchen where his mom was making dinner, "Uh... I was just wondering if you needed any help down here..." He smiled, trying to not look as nervous as he felt. He didn't know why he felt so nervous. It wasn't like this would lead anywhere. It was just a question. 

She smiled, "Well... You could peel carrots for lunches if you'd like," she offered, knowing there was nothing left to do for dinner prep, but she hadn't spent much time with Josh lately, and she was willing to make any excuse to do something with her son. 

He smiled and nodded, going to the drawer and grabbing the carrot peeler while she dug the bag of carrots out of the fridge. He grabbed the trash can for the peels and found a chair to sit in, getting nice and comfy since he figured it would take a while. "So... Uh... I actually have a project coming up for English," he said, "We're looking into family histories and stuff..."

"Oh?" she asked, "Sounds interesting..." She smiled, sitting with him to get some potatoes peeled, "I'm guessing you're here to ask me for help with it?" She shot him a knowing look, and he couldn't help but smile. 

"You know me too well mom," he said, "Uh... I was just wondering if there were any histories of medical conditions." He chewed his lip, "Y'know, like... Heart disease, carrierism, alzheimers, mental disorders... Things like  that... I kinda missed some things, and I really want to get a good grade on this." He smiled sincerely. He really did have a project due, but he also wanted to get that nagging feeling off his mind, so he could focus on school. It also didn't help that he was still incredibly sick. 

"Hm... Let me think..." She leaned back tapping her chin with her finger, "I don't think there's really much of anything... I mean... You've got a cousin who's a carrier and an un, but he only dates girls so..." She shrugged, "But otherwise there really isn't anything that I can think of right off the top of my head. Is there anything else I can help with?" She tilted her head to the side hopefully, wanting to talk to him about anything, to invested in spending time with him to notice the oddness of the question. 

He shook his head,  "We're writing as if we're an ancestor with a medical condition and how they would have to deal with it," he smiled, just explaining to project so that his questions wouldn't seem so odd, "I just wanted mine to be really realistic, but I guess I'll just make something up." He smiled to try to reassure her. 

From there the conversation turned to anything and everything, she asked about his friends and relationships, smiling brightly, and practically beaming when Josh told her he was taking Debby to homecoming. He told her they were just going as friends and she scoffed, telling him that she knew he was gay. He'd come out when he was fifteen and he didn't need to keep reminding her that girls were not girlfriends. He just laughed, all while texting Tyler to meet him in the basement in and hour and the supplies that he needed to bring. 

Once he could get out, he ran straight to Tyler's were his best friend was waiting with a box in a bag. He didn't ask when Josh climbed through the window. He didn't ask when Josh grabbed the bag, grabbing the box with panic. He just rubbed Josh's back to calm him down and spoke softly. It wasn't like this was actually possible. Josh wasn't even a carrier. It was just precaution. 

Josh didn't leave the bathroom while he waited. He didn't even look at the stick sitting on the counter, just stared at the box in his hands. It wasn't like it would be positive. He didn't know why he felt like he was gonna be sick. Tyler knocked after a few minutes, letting Josh know that it was time to check, figuring that the other man would need the reminder. Josh took a deep breath and looked down at the test. 

A little pink plus stared back. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 8: 2063 Words
> 
> Thank you for reading
> 
> Kudos, Comments, and Critiques are always appreciated <3
> 
> ~ Will


	9. 5 Weeks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: Discussion of abortion, Decision to abort, Anatomical discussion

September 23

Planned Parenthood was an office. A small one. It was supposed to be anonymous, but Josh really didn't feel anonymous. He felt like everyone was staring at him. Tyler was with him, rubbing slow circles on his back to help him breathe evenly. He was sure they just looked like a couple coming in to get STD checks or something. But he still felt like everyone in the little room new the truth. They all knew what had happened. They all knew what he was.  They all knew Tyler wasn't the father. 

"Joshua Dun?" A young woman nurse called, causing Josh's head to shoot up. He swallowed thickly and stood, Tyler standing with him. There was a knot in his stomach and it wasn't about to go away

They went into a back room, Tyler holding Josh's hand and whispering soothing words as Josh explained his symptoms to the nurse. She nodded, asking about tests he'd taken, brand and if he was sure they were positive. He told her that's what he'd come to figure out. She gave him a cup and told him to ring the bell when he was ready. There was a bathroom down the hall that he could use. 

The test result came back ten minutes later. It was positive. Josh was a Carrier. He was pregnant. No doubt about it, he was going to have a baby. He threw up when the nurse told him. 

He could hear Tyler making another appointment so that he could get everything checked and make sure it was healthy. It. The baby. There was a baby. He overheard them saying that Carriers tended to show symptoms faster, and more intensely than females. He stopped listening. He didn't want to hear anymore. He couldn't handle hearing anymore. 

He needed to get rid of it. 

September 24

It felt like everyone was staring at him. He felt like they all knew. He walked through the halls on edge, feeling like at any moment someone would point and laugh and tell him what a shitty person he was. He wanted to cry. He couldn't take it. At lunch he didn't sit with his friends, he tried to hide. If they saw him they would know something was wrong. Tyler found him in an art classroom. He didn't say anything, just sat with him. Josh took a deep breath and rested his head on Tyler's shoulder. He knew what he needed to do. He had to do it. 

"Ty..." he said, his voice soft and ready to crack, "If... If I want to get rid of it.. Would you go with me? I can't go alone." 

Tyler nodded. "Yeah, I will. It's your body, not my kid. But... I'll say it's mine if you need me too." He squeezed Josh's hand, "I'm not gonna let you go through this alone." 

Josh squeezed his hand. He didn't trust himself to say thank you out loud. He hated himself for what he was planning. He'd been raised to be pro-life. But... He couldn't do this. He was just a kid. He couldn't do this. He wasn't ready for a baby. 

September 25

Josh sat on an examination table with Tyler next to him. They were learning today. Josh's appointment had gone smoothly, but it had become painfully clear to  Dr. Filbert, a younger doctor with a dark hair and thick glasses, that neither Josh, nor Tyler, knew shit about Carrier anatomy, so he was giving them a miniature version of "the Carrier Talk". He'd clearly done it before. 

There was a poster on the wall depicting the internal Carrier anatomy, and how, despite common myth, the uterus and vagina were not in the anus, but rather connected to it with a bit of tissue separating them to prevent infection. The doctor described it as being "like the flap that keeps food from getting into the lungs". He also explained that, although Carriers didn't produce natural lubrication when having sex, they would start producing during and throughout pregnancy in order to prepare for giving birth. Another note, they could give birth naturally and didn't always need a c-section like everyone said they did. 

Throughout the talk, Josh just got dizzier and dizzier. He didn't want this. He didn't want this body. He hated it so much. "Is there a ways to... make it so I can't have kids?" he asked, knowing that he didn't want this. He didn't want to be pregnant. He was a guy and guys couldn't get pregnant. 

"Well..." Dr. Flibert said, "With... the current one, there is abortion. Many young Carrier's do choose this due to social stigma against Carriers. And, as with our policy, you would not need parental consent. But if you want to, well, get your tubes tied, it's far more invasive. You are only seventeen so, you would need your parents to sign off on it." 

Josh swallowed. His parents would never allow it. And even when he turned eighteen they'd still see it on the insurance. He couldn't have a baby. He didn't want a baby. He'd never wanted a baby. He made a mental note to get that surgery as soon as he could. "Do I have to schedule an-" he swallowed, the word stuck in his throat, "Can I get it done now?" He felt Tyler squeeze his hand. 

"You have to schedule it," Dr. Filbert said, "But before you do, I'd highly recommend sitting down with someone and going over your options. I don't think you two should rush into anything just yet." 

Josh looked at Tyler. "We talked. I don't want this. I want to get rid of it," he said, "As soon as possible please. I'm not ready to have a kid." He was sure. He needed to do this. He couldn't let his parents know what had happened. He knew that Tyler would say he was the dad, but... then Tyler's parents wouldn't let them near each other. Josh couldn't loose him because of this. 

Dr. Filbert frowned, "Well... If you're absolutely sure, then you can schedule your appointment at the front dest. But please at least consider a counseling session or two, you never know how you'll feel afterwards." 

Josh swallowed and nodded. "Ok... I'll do the counseling." He said, "I just... can't have a baby." 

Dr. Filbert nodded, "Alright, I'll show you to the front desk." 

September 26

Josh was beginning to wonder why it was always Ashley who confronted him when there was something wrong. He couldn't stand the sight of Tyler and Jenna being all lovey-dovey, so he'd sought out a stairwell to hide in to eat his lunch. He didn't realize she was there until her head was on his shoulder, just resting there. She rolled her eyes up to look at him, smiling softly, "What's up Buttercup?" she asked. 

"I'm pregnant," he didn't mean to say it, the words just sort of slipped out, "I'm uh- a Carrier I guess." He couldn't look at her. He couldn't see how she would look at him. He couldn't face the way that she was going to laugh at him and tell him he was stupid. 

She didn't even reply, just furrowed her brows and looked up at him, trying to gauge whether he was serious or not. "Josh..?" she asked, not sure how to respond.

He couldn't hold back. "Tyler's not the father," he said, unable to stop himself. No, his best friend wasn't the father. Instead it was some asshole who had drugged him and taken his body. He thought he had finally reclaimed it. But no. They still had a hold on him. He needed to get rid of them. 

"Who-?" she barely even said the word before it hit her. The party. Tyler wasn't the father. It didn't take much to connect the dots and figure things out. 

"I'm not keeping it," he said, able to feel the lump forming in his throat, "I- I can't do this Ash... I have to get rid of it. I have an appointment on Saturday." 

What he was saying hit Ashley like a train. "Oh..." was all she could manage. 

He broke down, unable to hold back the tears. She just wrapped an arm around him and held him close. "Hey... It's okay," she said, not sure what to tell him, "It'll be okay... I've got you Josh." 

He let her comfort him, but he knew it wasn't okay. He knew that it would never be okay again. He just tried not to think about it. If he thought about it, he wouldn't be able to do it. He needed to do this. He couldn't have this baby. 

September 27

The morning sickness was getting worse. Josh didn't know how much longer he'd be able to he'd be able to hide it from his mom. She was beginning to get suspicious. So were his siblings. He had gone from the last person to wake up to the first. He'd been woken from several nightmares by his younger sister. He was just glad it would be over soon. He hated having to dodge their questions. It was scary and annoying. 

Ashley was the worst. She'd sit at the counter while he ate his cereal and shoot rapid fire questions at him about what he'd been up to lately. He'd just shoot back annoyed looks, too tired to actually try to think of excuses or answers. She was keeping too close of an eye on him, and he really didn't like it.

Things would be back to normal soon  though. He knew they would. They'd be back to normal soon. There would be no baby to worry about, and nothing to hide. Everything would be just fine. And no one in the family would ever have to know. Only Tyler and Ashley. They were the only ones who would have to know anything, and he was going to keep it that way. 

September 29

Josh had fallen into a routine of skipping classes. Specifically weight training, which he had right after English. Sometimes he'd stay in Mr. Way's classroom and catch up on homework. Mr. Way was pretty easy going about it. Especially with Josh being constantly sick and dizzy and often refusing to go home. His mom got to suspicious when he came home early. Sometimes though, there was just no avoiding it. 

That day was one of those days. It had been raining all morning, so there was no one anywhere and the world just felt soggy and gray. It felt good. The world mirroring his mood. It was soothing, and made him feel as though the world understood what he was going through. He drove down to the park. There were a couple kids there, but it was mostly empty due to the rain. That meant it was perfect. 

He headed for the swings. It had been less than two months since he and Tyler had sat on those swings and talked about how the year was going to be the best one ever. One night had destroyed everything. But by next week, it would all be normal. It had to be normal. Josh wanted it to be back to normal so bad. 

He wanted to tease Tyler about Jenna, and help his best friend ask her to homecoming. He wanted to ask Debby in a way that would make her feel special. He wanted normal so badly. But instead he was a freak. He sat on a swing, ignoring the dew soaking through his pants. He pressed a hand to his stomach, trying to feel any sign that there was something there. 

Nothing. His stomach was flat. There was no sign of a baby bump. He wasn't suddenly nine months knocked up. It was just a clump of cells in the uterus he had never known he had. And tomorrow it would be gone. By the end of the week, he wouldn't have anything  to worry about. In one month, he might not even remember. Because it would all be over tomorrow. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 9: 2019 words
> 
> Sorry about taking so long to update, work was kicking my butt
> 
> Kudos, comments, and critiques are always welcome! <3
> 
> ~ Will


	10. 6 Weeks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: Abortion

September 30

Back into a clinic. This one wasn't Planned Parenthood. There were protestors outside and Josh could hear them chanting. He wasn't sure about this, but he had to be sure about it. He sat in the hard chair in the waiting area with Tyler sitting next to him. He was holding back tears. But he had to go through with this. He squeezed Tyler's hand nervously to thank him for sitting with him. 

"Joshua Dun?" Called the nurse. She was different from the one before. She was taller, and older. 

Josh squeezed Tyler's hand again as they stood to go into the back. He was terrified. His heart was pounding in his chest. But he had to do this. He had to get through it. He couldn't turn back. Not now.

The nurse led them into a room with a machine for ultrasounds. Josh raised an eyebrow at it while he climbed up onto the bed. 

"It's so that we can see where the fetus is," the nurse explained seeing his look of confusion, "It makes it easier with Carriers." He nodded, watching as she set out a hospital gown for him to put on and left the room so he could change. 

He stripped off his pants and underwear and pulled on the robe while Tyler faced the wall to give him a moment of privacy, then sat on the examination table, feeling like he was going to be sick. 

"Are you sure about this?" Tyler asked, taking his friends hand gently, "There are other options... You can put it up for adoption or something..." 

"I have to do this," Josh insisted, "Then everything will be back to normal and we can have the best Senior year ever." 

"Will it though?" Tyler asked, tilting his head to the side. 

Josh didn't answer, just stared at the floor. It had to go back to normal after this. It just had to. He couldn't handle it if it didn't. He swallowed the lump in his throat as the nurse came back in. 

"Hello Mr. Dun," she said softly, "I'm just gonna do an ultrasound real quick to get the fetal  location, then Dr. Kashuba will be in to get you taken care of. Does that sound good?" 

Josh nodded and laid back. She passed him a blanket so he could cover himself, then rolled up the gown to expose his stomach. He was lean, there was no sign of anything in him. But there was a fetus. A baby. He shut his eyes. Even though the screen wasn't facing towards him, he didn't want to accidentally see it. 

The gel and wand was cold. He shivered when it pressed against his skin. It rolled across his abdomen. Then he heard it. The strangest little fluttering sound. Like birds wings in the air. He didn't know what it could be.

"I'm so sorry," the nurse said, and the sound cut away, "I didn't realize the volume was up. Most people don't like to hear that when they come in for an abortion." 

Then it hit him. The heartbeat. That was the baby's heartbeat. It's little heart was already beating. He felt the wand against his stomach again, but this time without the sound. He was gonna kill it. He was... He couldn't breathe. He grabbed for Tyler's hand, and opened his eyes, looking at the screen. It was a blob. Not even a baby yet. Just a little blob of cells with a heartbeat. And he couldn't kill it. 

He looked up at Tyler. "I can't do this..." He managed, "I can't... Ty... I can't kill it..." 

October 1

Josh was still reeling. He'd sprinted out of the clinic. Literally sprinted. He hadn't stopped until Tyler had caught him and held him, letting him sob into his shoulder. He kept replaying that sound in his mind. The butterfly wings sound. That was the baby's heartbeat. The baby had a heartbeat. 

He was sitting on his bed with his hand on his stomach. He was going to have to tell his family. His friends. Everyone. He was lean, so he would show. He was definitely going to show. What was he going to do with it. He couldn't keep it. He swallowed, his throat suddenly dry. They were going to want to know who the father was. He didn't know. How could he say that he didn't know who the father was. 

He would have to tell them what happened. He couldn't let everyone know what happened. He couldn't tell everyone what happened. They would all know. 

He found his phone and called Tyler. He didn't want everyone to know, and he had an idea. He swallowed, hoping this would all turn out ok. He needed it to turn out okay. He needed Tyler to be the dad. They could tell their families the truth, but he couldn't tell the school. 

October 2

Ashley immediately sought out Josh at lunch. He was back in the stairwell, curled up in a ball in the corner, not ready to face this. He could've never be ready for this. She sat next to him, thinking she knew what he was upset about. She rubbed his back, trying to gently comfort him and let him know it was gonna be okay. 

"Ash?" he asked, wanting to make sure that it was actually her before he said something stupid. 

"Mhm," she hummed, not really sure what she was supposed to tell him. She had no idea what it might feel like to go through everything he was going through. So she just kept rubbing his back, deciding to let him say whatever he needed to. 

"I couldn't do it," he said, "I couldn't go through with it..." He swallowed the lump in his throat, his lip trembling as he spoke, "I- The nurse had to do an ultrasound, and I shut my eyes so that I would- wouldn't see it..." There were tears streaming down his face as he told her, and he didn't even try to stop them, "But I heard it Ash... It had a heartbeat... It was the softest sound I've ever heard..." He buried his face in her shoulder, "I hate it. I hate it so fucking much. I hate that I can't kill it..." 

He broke down, letting her gently rub his back and tell him it was alright. He couldn't even form words. They just kept getting stuck in his throat. He couldn't speak. 

She just held him tight, making soft noises to calm him down. She didn't say anything. What the hell was she even supposed to say? She had no idea what the hell he was going through. So she just held on, letting him know that it would all be alright. 

October 3

"Please be the father," Josh said softly. He was sitting on the hood of his car, Tyler sitting next to him, "I'm not gonna keep it. But please tell people that you're the father." 

"Josh-" Tyler sighed, drinking his soda slowly, "What about Jenna? I really like her Josh... Like... A lot..." 

Josh nodded. He'd seen the way they looked at each other. "D- do you trust her? Can you promise that she won't say anything about... What happened?" Josh asked, glancing over at Tyler. He needed Tyler to be the dad. He didn't trust anyone else. 

Tyler nodded, "Yeah. She's not like that Josh... She wouldn't out you." 

"Ask her. Please," Josh sighed, "Fuck... I... I don't want people to know Ty... I can't have them knowing I was- was... raped..." He sighed. He hated even saying it out loud. He hated acknowledging that it had happened to him. "They'll ask questions, and talk, and they're already gonna be making fun of me for the..." He took a deep breath, "Whole... pregnancy thing. I can't have the other thing going around too Ty. I can't handle it..." 

Tyler nodded. "I'll talk to her about it," he said, "You're still gonna help me ask her to homecoming, right?" He looked at Josh hopefully. 

"I'll help you propose to her if you do this for me," Josh said, smiling jokingly, even though the words made him want to cry. This wasn't what he wanted, but it was the best he could do for now. 

Tyler nodded. "I'll call you tonight and let you know. Okay?" 

Josh nodded. Then he turned and pulled Tyler into a tight hug. "Thank you... I know this won't be easy for you either. But..." 

Tyler held him close. "I'm not gonna let you go through this alone," he said, "I promise. I'm right here for you." 

October 5

Josh was in Brendon's basement with the others, appreciating the smell of it. Cigarettes and weed. It was home. The smell was familiar and incredibly comforting. Ash was laying casually across his lap. Right where Tyler used to sit. He played it off as nothing, running his fingers through her hair and watching the others pass around a blunt. 

"Yo Josh," Brendon called, "Want some?" He held out the blunt to Josh with an easy smile. 

Josh was tempted. It would help him relax, which he definitely needed, but he shook his head. "Not tonight," he said, taking the blunt and passing it to Ash so she could smoke some. 

"Aw, why not?" Hayley asked, pouting from her spot on the couch. 

"I can't right now," Josh said, "My boss keeps hinting at drug tests coming up soon. And surprisingly enough I wanna keep my job." He smiled, showing that he was just joking and not at all serious. 

"Alright, but what's the real reason?" Brendon said, raising an eyebrow at him. "You usually jump at the chance to get a buzz and you haven't touched anything but the Doritos all night." 

"You have been acting kinda funny lately," Hayley pointed out, "Like... Ever since you got sick... Is everything okay?" 

"Yeah it's fine," Josh said, maybe a bit too harshly, "I just don't want to smoke right now." He could see the way Tyler was looking at him. The other boy looked scared. Terrified actually. He didn't get to be terrified. The kid wasn't even his. 

Meanwhile, everyone else looked different variations of surprised, hurt, confused, and angry. "Woah man," Brendon said, "What the fuck was that? Are we not allowed to worry about you now?" It was clear that he was not happy with the way Josh had replied to Hayley. 

"Look, I just don't want to talk about it," Josh said, "I don't want to smoke. I don't see what the big fucking deal is." 

"The big deal is, you've been an asshole lately. You constantly avoid and ignore us and we're left wondering why!" Brendon snapped back, not about to put up with Josh, not knowing what his friend was going through. 

"It's none of your goddamn business," Josh yelled, pushing Ashley off his lap a bit too roughly, "And if you really don't want me around I guess I'll just leave." He stood up and headed for the door, knowing he would slam it. He wanted Brendon to feel it in his bones. He wanted to take out all of his pent up frustration on someone. 

He was intercepted by Tyler's hand on his, stopping him from turning the doorknob, "You should tell them," the taller boy murmured, "They won't make fun of you." 

Josh looked at him. Then he looked to Ashley, and Hayley, Jenna... They were all shocked by the outburst, not sure how to react. Brendon looked pissed, not even looking at him. Sarah was rubbing his back, trying to calm him down. He looked back at Tyler. 

"We just want to know that you're okay..." Tyler said softly, "All of us do." 

Josh shouldered past him and out of the basement. He needed to think. He needed the cold air of October to clear his head. He'd tell them. He just couldn't yet. He needed just a little bit longer to be normal. He wished he could be normal. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 10: 2016 words
> 
> Sorry for taking so long. My muse has been lacking lately
> 
> Kudos, Comments, and Critiques are appreciated <3
> 
> ~ Will


	11. 7 Weeks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> || TW: Panic attack/flashback at October 11 ||

October 7

Josh's mom was going to take him to the hospital. She found out he was still sick, and had been hiding his illness for weeks. She was getting ready while he paced back and forth, trying to figure out what to do. He'd even texted Tyler about a thousand times to try to get some help. Nothing. No response. Probably with Jenna. 

He couldn't go to the hospital. They'd tell her. They'd tell her everything. Then she'd know. And he didn't know how to handle that. He swallowed his worry. He couldn't let a doctor tell her. He couldn't do that to her. He knew that she'd know that he'd known all along. She'd be so upset. He swallowed the lump in his throat, trying to rearrange his thoughts. If he kept this up he was going to have a full blown panic attack, and that wouldn't help anything. He took several deep breaths, then headed out into the living room, his mind made up. He still couldn't help but pace nervously though. 

There was a knock at the door and Josh nearly jumped out of his skin. He pulled it open, and was immediately pulled into a tight hug by Tyler, then Jenna. They held him for a minute. "Hey man," Tyler said, "We uh... We thought we should pop over for, y'know.. emotional support." Jenna nodded in agreement, offering a wobbly smile. 

Josh didn't even have the words to thank them. He just pulled them back into another hug. He knew what was about to happen, and he was terrified. He wasn't ready for this, but he had to be. "C'mon in," he managed, "I'm sure she'll be down any minute." 

"So you're gonna tell her?" Tyler asked, moving to sit on the couch, his hand tight in Jenna's. The sight hurt, but it wasn't what Josh was thinking about. 

He nodded. "Yeah... I really don't have any choice..." Josh swallowed nervously as he heard his moms footsteps on the stairs. He wasn't ready, but he had to. 

"How much?" Tyler asked, knowing that there were available. The truth about the father, and the lie. 

"All of it?" Josh said, not really sure. He sat next to Tyler, taking a deep breath. He couldn't do this. He felt Tyler's hand on his shoulder. He could do this. 

His mom came in and Josh could feel his heart pounding in his chest. She was dressed simply in jeans and a t-shirt, with a matching sweater. "Joshua?" she asked, tucking a hair behind her ear, "Why are your friends over? C'mon. We need to go." She grabbed her purse, digging through it for her key. 

"No mom," Josh said, "They uh... Jenna and Tyler are here to help me..." He didn't exactly know how to word this. He didn't know how to tell her what was wrong. It was just so weird. It was common knowledge that Carriers existed, but it was like people with disabilities, everyone knew they existed, everyone saw people with them every once in a while, but nobody ever expected to be one of them. 

"Josh?" His mom tilted her head to this side, her eyebrows furrowing with obvious worry, "What's going on? Is everything alright?" 

"Um..." He took a deep breath, deciding to just go ahead and say it, "I'm pregnant," he said quickly, "I'm a Carrier... I uh... It wasn't my fault..." He looked at the ground, unable to look her in the eye, "I don't.. I didn't... I... I'm serious... I uh... Ask Tyler... He saw it..." 

She sat down, sliding into the arm chair and looking incredibly overwhelmed by the revelation. "Joshua?" she asked, not even sure how to respond, not even sure what to ask. She didn't know how to handle this. 

"I'm not lying," he said, "I didn't want it... I tried.. Don't be angry. I wanted to get rid of it..." He felt Jenna move to sit on his other side, rubbing his back gently, "I just... It has a heartbeat... I couldn't." He swallowed and looked up at his mom, "I couldn't do it..." 

She swallowed, and moved over to sit with him. "This is real?" she asked, "You're not just pranking or something?" 

"It's real..." Josh said, "It's real and I'm so scared..." He hadn't said it, but he was. He was terrified. "I'm not ready... It wasn't my choice mom... I didn't want-" He cut himself off able to feel tears on his cheeks. It just hurt so bad to say it out loud, even two months later. 

"Tyler," his mom said softly, "Jenna, can I have a moment with my son?" 

Although he couldn't see them, he knew they'd exchanged glances before nodding. Tyler squeezed his shoulders gently, and Jenna pressed a kiss to his temple before they left. Well, went to the kitchen. He felt the cushion sink as his mom sat next to him, and rested a hand on his back. 

"Josh..." She said softly, "How long have you known?" Her voice was scared, she was trying to act strong, but he knew she was worried. 

"A few weeks now..." he admitted, "I was... I tried to get rid of it... I thought it would make everything normal..." 

She sighed, "Do you want to do some sort of counseling?" she asked, "See someone to talk about what happened? I- I want you to feel safe Josh..." 

He swallowed then nodded. "I uh... I was gonna ask Debby if I could go to the teen mo- parent group with her..." 

He felt her nod, and smiled when she pressed a kiss to his forehead. "Tyler isn't the father, is he?" 

He shook his head, his blood running cold. "I don't want to talk about the father..." He didn't. He couldn't. Not now. 

She nodded again. "I'll see if we can't find you a counselor. This isn't gonna be easy honey. But you'll make it. I know you will." He smiled, leaning into her, unable to believe how much he loved his mom. 

October 9

Monday came easier than Josh expected. Talking to his mom had lifted such a heavy weight. He felt like he might actually be able to get through this. That feeling was immediately crushed by the fact that most of his friends were still pissed off with him. At lunch, he didn't want to break up the group, so he went to the library. He sat at a computer, pretending to work on his homework. 

He had to tell them, he knew he did. He couldn't spend the next eight months pretending that he was just fat. He just knew they wouldn't react like his mom would. He had told her everything. All the sneaking and what happened with the father. She'd already begun working to get him in to see a therapist. He couldn't believe how lucky he was to have a mom like her. 

He sighed, looking at the Google search bar on the computer screen. Then he pulled out his phone and texted Debby. He needed her help with this. If anyone would get it, it would be her. 

October 10

Homecoming would be the weekend before Halloween and the whole school was buzzing about it. The proposals were getting wild. And that's why Tyler wanted to keep it simple. Josh knew this, because he'd been helping him plan his. It would be an adorable little scavenger hunt, through the park, with Tyler looking dapper and holding a bouquet of flowers at the end. 

Josh's job was to frame as him hanging out with her to get her to the park, deliver the first clue, then help her through when she needed it. He honestly hadn't spent much time with her before, and it was fun to get to know her. He was glad that she was the girl that Tyler had fallen for. She deserved someone as good as him.  

When Tyler met them at the end, Josh could feel himself fading into the background. He smiled and cheered jokingly when they kissed. Whether or not they actually noticed, he wasn't sure. The pair agreed that ice cream was the next step, and went, Jenna cradling the bouquet in her arm, her free hand holding Tyler's. 

They left. Josh made an excuse about ice cream making him feel sick, pretending that they had heard him. He went to his car and texted Debby. Then called her. He did feel sick. He should've known they'd ditch him. He shouldn't have been stupid enough to think that they'd actually want him to join them. It wasn't like he was a part of their relationship. He just didn't understand why it felt like his heart was being ripped out of his chest whenever he saw them together. 

He didn't remember falling asleep on Debby's couch with her head on his shoulder. But it felt good. He didn't know why, but it really felt good. 

October 11

Avoiding Brendon hurt. He was Josh's friend. One of his closest friends. It meant watching the others head over to the basement while he walked around, trying to clear his head. He couldn't just join them. But he didn't know how to say everything. "Hey Brendon, sorry for being a dick lately, it's just that I'm a bit pregnant, so... yeah." It sounded insanely fake. No one would ever believe him. Not until he started to show at least. 

He doubted telling them would feel anything like telling his mom, or telling Debby. They'd just laugh at him. They'd make fun of him for getting himself into the situation. But it wasn't his fault. He didn't want what had happened to him. He'd never wanted it. He didn't know what he'd done to deserve it. He could still feel hands on his wrists, holding him down. He could feel a hand between his legs, touching him. A voice in his ear, telling him how pretty he was like that. 

He felt sick, but the feeling wouldn't go away. Their weight was pressed against his back, pinning him down so he couldn't move. Passerby's couldn't see them though, all they could see was a boy with faded hair standing in the middle of the sidewalk, his eyes wide and a hand over his mouth. Josh wasn't in his body. He was lost. 

There was a hand on his shoulder and he swung, catching the man in the jaw as he stumbled back to get away, almost falling over in the process. He took one look at the man, not recognizing him. Then he ran. He was confused and scared of something that wasn't there, but it was chasing him. He ran and ran until he was locked safely in his room, curled in the corner. But the ugly voice still whispered in his ear. "So pretty. Such a pretty boy." 

October 13

Josh didn't like the idea of going to school on Friday the thirteenth. In fact, he hated it. But, he wanted to stay in regular school, not the alternative high school like his mom kept suggesting. He had friends at the big schools. He didn't want to lose them. Though, he supposed he already had. Most of the day was fairly normal, until lunch. 

It was a sunnier day, so he decided to eat outside. He didn't know that Sarah had decided to hunt him down to figure out what was going on, since it was affecting the rest of the group. This was even more apparent since even the mention of Josh could put Brendon in a bad mood, though the others were more forgiving. 

She found him sitting on the school steps, eating a disgustingly healthy lunch that his mom had helped him pack. It was full of stuff that would make the whole 'pregnancy' thing easier according to her. There were also a lot of vitamins that she was making him take, which he hated. He definitely wasn't expecting it when Sarah sat next to him. 

"Hey!" she said brightly. 

He looked at her with a raised eyebrow. "Isn't Brendon gonna be pissed if he sees you sitting with me?" He asked, not wanting to cause problems. 

"He doesn't own me," she said, "I can sit wherever I want." She smiled, pulling out her own lunch, which looked just as healthy as Josh's. 

He smiled back. It felt good to have some company. "Well, thanks for sitting with me. I expect you want me to talk to him?" He figured she was trying to fix things, which it wasn't like he didn't want to, he just didn't know how to say it out loud. 

"You expect correct," she said, "I just hate seeing what's going on. And... Everyone is pretty worried... You just keep pushing us away..." 

He sighed. "I just... It's hard... To say what's been happening.. I feel like no one's gonna believe me. And if they do, they'll just make fun of me." He looked at his sandwich, not really feeling hungry, yet craving bell peppers. "Can I have your bell peppers? I'll give you my carrot sticks..." 

"Joshua Dun..." Sarah said, feigning shock as she passed him the snack, "In all the years I have known you I have never seen you eat anything remotely healthy... Are you sure you're alright." 

He laughed, "My dear, I am the least alri-" The blow to his jaw caught him by surprise. 

The world went fuzzy as his head hit the steps. He could hear voices. Yelling. There was definitely yelling. Brendon was yelling at Tyler. Tyler was yelling back. Then Ash was looking at him, checking to see if he was alright. She was patting his cheek to wake him up. Then his stomach dropped as the voices became clear. 

"You asshole!" Tyler was saying, "He's pregnant! Why the fuck did you punch him?!" 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 11: 2317 words
> 
> Kudos, comments, and critiques are incredibly appreciated!
> 
> ~ Will


	12. 8 Weeks

October 14

There's a nice bruise on Josh's jaw. He also has a concussion. Not a really bad one, just a slight one from his head hitting the steps. He heard his phone buzzing and ignored it. He couldn't handle anything right now. He was angry and hurt and had spent the last four and a half hours trying to convince his mom that he did not need to go to the hospital. There was no bleeding and no cramping. As far as he could tell, the baby was fine. 

The buzzing stopped and he sat on his bed. That made five missed calls today. Eight yesterday. He had ran after everything, not wanting to find out who'd heard or who'd believed. It wouldn't matter soon enough. He'd be showing. 

"Josh," Ashley called, pushing open the door, "Tyler is still outside. He says he's not gonna leave until you talk to him." 

"Tell him that I'm not going to fucking talk to him," Josh said, "What happened... I wasn't ready..." He sat on his bed with a sigh.

"So it's true?" she raised an eyebrow, not really sure what to believe with the rumors that had been flying since the 'fight' the day before.

He looked at her and sighed, nodding. "Yeah. I'm pregnant. But it's not Brendon's. And I never slept with Sarah." He groaned, "And... You can't tell anyone this but... It's not Tyler's. We... We're gonna say it is, but it's not his." 

He felt the bed dip as his sister took a seat next to him. "What are you gonna do with it?" 

"I've been looking into adoption," he admitted, "I found a few agencies I can go through. I just... don't know.." 

"Bet mom thought I'd be the one to get knocked up in high school," she joked, smiling at him, "So.. Thank you for being the real disappointment." 

Although what she said was a bit harsh, he found himself grinning at her. It felt good to turn the situation into a bit of a joke. "You're the worst sister ever," he said, "And you're welcome. Now go party and get bad grades. You'll never be as disappointing as I." 

She pulled him into a hug. "Now go talk to Tyler," she said, making his heart sink slightly, "He didn't mean to hurt you..." 

He wasn't going to do that. 

October 15

The teen parent group met in a churches basement. It was a small, creepy area with old green carpet that frayed at the edges and bars over the windows. There were cement pillars every so often, holding the roof up. The lights were all yellow, making the faces of everyone look off. When Josh arrived with Debby, everyone was just sort of wandering about. There were a couple of girls with newborns that everyone was cooing about. Most of the girls were showing in some way or another. A few weren't, or they were just hiding it really well. 

Josh glued himself to Debby. This entire thing terrified him. The entire idea of this was awful, and the atmosphere did not help. There was a table with snacks ranging from pickles to yogurts, and fruits and veggies of all sorts. All healthy food. Josh would kill for a bag of Cheetos. 

At three, they all sat in a big circle of chairs. There were ten people total. Josh was the only guy. He felt nervous about it, like he wasn't supposed to be there or something. 

"We start by saying our name and how far along we are," Debby whispered to him, "I don't see Colin though... I really hope he makes it today." Josh nodded, swallowing nervously. His anxiety really didn't like this. It didn't like this at all. He distracted himself by trying to memorize all the girls names. 

Kaylie, Nevara, Zooey and her newborn, Zach, then Maggie, Sunny, Judith, and Tammy with her daughter, Juliet. After them was Debby, who smiled as she said, "I'm Debby, and I am sixteen weeks along." 

Then it was Josh's turn. "Um... I'm uh... Josh..." He stammered, his throat feeling dry and his eyes on the floor, "I'm eight weeks along..." He didn't look back up. He didn't like this. 

Debby could tell. He was so glad that she could tell. As the others started up a conversation about things he would really rather not begin to think about, he felt her tug on his arm. "Josh...?" she said softly, wanting to make sure he was okay, "You don't have to stay if you aren't ready..." 

He swallowed and nodded. "Okay... I'm gonna go home." 

She nodded too. "Okay. They'll understand. It took almost four meetings before Maggie could stay for a whole one." 

He nodded. He just wasn't ready. He didn't announce that he was leaving, he didn't make a show of it. He just walked home, needing to get away from everything and everyone. 

October 16

He didn't want to school. He really didn't. He hated the idea of what he would be facing. It had been two days, and he already knew that there would be rumors beyond anything he'd ever faced in the past. Worse than when he'd come out as gay. Worse than that time he got the flu and everybody thought he died. His mom made him go to school anyways. 

He kept his hood up and his head down as he walked through the halls, able to feel the stares. Carriers weren't all that rare. Ten percent of the male population were Carriers. Most of them didn't bother to get checked because nobody thought they were one, so that number did tend to feel significantly smaller. Seeing a pregnant dude was rare. The lasting bruise on his jaw only made it worse. He felt trapped and isolated, like he was drowning with an audience. 

He couldn't even look at Tyler in the classes they shared. He'd already gotten used to avoiding Brendon, so the was easier. When someone tried to chase him down, he walked the other direction. He was hurt and confused and hormonal and angry. He didn't know where to direct it. Part of him knew he was being unfair, but he kept directing it at them. He needed the outlet, and his friends were easy to blame.  

It was Tyler's fault that the whole school knew he was a freak. It was Brendon's fault because he'd punched Josh. He'd always had a temper, and had never been afraid to throw a punch to get someone's attention. But it still hurt Josh to realize he'd pushed Brendon that far. 

October 18

Josh had never been to see a therapist before. There was something a bit scary about it. He didn't want to talk about anything big today. He didn't want to cry. He didn't know if he could trust them yet. And he'd cried too much recently. He was tired of crying.

The office was messy. Well, her desk was. There were papers stacked everywhere, falling every which way. There was a plant in the corner, the only leaves were on the branches that hung over the open window. His therapist, a woman in her fifties with blond hair that was fading to gray and black rimmed glasses on her nose, sat in an ugly arm chair. He slipped into a matching one and found that it was incredibly comfy. He wanted that chair. 

"Hello," she said. She had a kind voice, the kind that made him think of his mom. It made him want to trust her. He supposed that was a good thing. "You must be Josh, can I call you Josh?" 

He nodded, finding it hard to respond. His throat felt like it was swelling shut. 

"I'm Dr. Lidren," she said, "It's a pleasure to meet you." She had a warm smile. It made him like her, "So... Do you have any questions for me? I've read your file, so I know a bit about you, I think it's only fair you know a bit about me." 

He licked his lips, his throat tight. "Um... Are you married?" he asked. 

"Yes," she said, "My wife and I have been married ever since it was legal." 

He liked that answer. It made him smile. "Do you have any kids?" 

"Twins," she said, then added before he could ask, "I had them." 

That made him frown, not because he didn't like the answer, but because the idea of twins scared him. "I think I'm only having one," he said, his hand gently touching his stomach. He'd been gaining weight, but nothing too insane. "I mean... I never saw. I only heard one heartbeat. I think that was what I heard at least..." He swallowed. 

"So you've had an ultrasound already?" she asked, taking her notepad to jot some things down. 

He nodded. Then the entire story came tumbling out. Everything about what had happened at the clinic, and how unsure he was. He told her about the party, and Brendon and Tyler and everything. She didn't really ask questions, just let him talk, let him rant. When the timer dinged, telling him that the session was over, he didn't know whether he felt relieved or weighed down. 

She told him they'd work through it all. There was a lot on his shoulders and it was okay to not be ready to face it all. It was okay to be terrified. But they would work together to make things feel more manageable. She told him to grab the soonest appointment so they could get started. He did just that, and would be seeing her the following week. 

October 20

The rain prevented Josh from eating outside. But he found a stairwell to curl up in. He didn't expect to be joined. But Ash sat next to him with her school lunch. She'd gotten her hair cut short. It suited her. 

"I like your hair," he said, his voice soft, not really sure what else there was to talk about. 

"You need to talk to Tyler," she replied, "He's been beating himself up over this for days. He's so upset. It hurts seeing him like this." 

He took a deep breath, folding further in on himself. "He outed me..." he said, "I wasn't ready for everyone to know about this. And don't you dare tell me that I need to talk to Brendon about shit. I'm not going to talk to Brendon." 

She sighed, "Were you ever gonna be ready? I mean, everyone was going to find out eventually anyways..." 

"Doesn't mean he had to scream it to the entire school," he huffed, "I'm sorry Ash.. It just... hurts... I trusted him to not say anything. Then... He told everyone..." It hurt more than words. He felt so betrayed by it. He'd trusted Tyler so much. 

"He didn't mean too... He was upset... It just slipped out..." She said, trying to defend the other man. 

"I'm just scared that he'll let the other bit slip..." he said, referring to the fact that Tyler wasn't the father. The thought of that was destroying him. He wished Tyler was the father. He wished he could just blame it on a broken condom. That would be so much easier than what had really happened. Maybe then they would still be talking. Maybe then he would still have his friend to help him though. 

"He won't. He already feels horrible enough. He misses you Josh. He misses you so much," She was looking down at her own lunch, avoiding looking at him. He didn't know what she was so scared to see. He wasn't angry with her. 

"Good." That was all he said about it. He didn't want to admit that he missed Tyler too. It had been one week. the questions were out of hand. His emotions weighed so heavy on his shoulders. He missed what could've been and he wished he still had it. He missed sneaking around with the other boy, pretending their friends knew nothing about their romance. But Tyler had Jenna now. And Josh was alone. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 12: 2021 Words
> 
> Votes, Comments, and Critiques are always appreciated
> 
> ~ Will


	13. 9 Weeks

October 21

Things were getting worse. Not better. Tyler had stopped texting. Brendon wouldn't look at him. Even Sarah and Ashley had stopped trying to convince him to fix things. He didn't care. He could do this alone. He didn't need them. He didn't need Tyler. That thought hurt. It hurt his heart so bad. When he peered out the window he could see Tyler and Jenna making a pile of leaves in to other mans back yard. He looked so much happier without Josh around. Like he didn't have a care in the world. 

He sighed and leaned back against the wall, remembering his conversation with Tyler so many months ago. He remembered drinking at the swing set. He remembered asking "Is there such thing as a good school year?" He remembered Tyler answering, "There is if I get to hang out with you." 

Now they couldn't even look at each other. He sighed, opening his laptop and scrolling through the search. He wanted to find someone to adopt the baby. He didn't want it. He just... Couldn't kill it. He knew there was someone who would want it. They were out there. He just had to find them. 

October 22

Pregnancy group was easier this time. Josh chalked it all up to things calming down a bit. His mom knew. Hell, the whole school knew. It was time for him to start taking it seriously and stop pretending like it was just gonna go away on it's own. He took a deep breath as he settled into his seat, recognizing all the faces. 

Kaylie at twenty weeks, Nevara at thirteen, Zooey and her newborn, Zach. Maggie was at twenty-eight, Sunny was as thirty, Judith was at ten, and Tammy brought her daughter, Juliet. Last was Debby at seventeen weeks. He cleared his throat. "I'm Josh, I'm nine weeks along," he smiled, finding that he was weirdly comfortable with saying it out loud. He hadn't expected to be so okay with it. 

He leaned back in his seat, listening to the discussion. They were talking about expenses for kids and financial plans. It was definitely interesting. He hadn't realized that everyone there was planning on keeping their baby except him. He shrunk into his seat, just listening rather than participating, wondering if they would be angry when they found out. 

About half way through the session, the door opened and a boy walked in. He was on the shorter side, and shaking rain from his hair. He slid into a seat in the circle, trying to keep quiet. He had dark hair and a round face, and would really be showing quite soon. Josh chewed his lip, wondering if he was the Mark that Debby had been talking about the week before. 

The other boy caught his eye and smiled at him. Josh was surprised how little effort it took to smile back. The rest of the meeting passed just a bit quicker knowing that he wasn't the only guy looking for a friend. 

Afterwards, the boy approached him. "Hey!" he said, "I'm Mark, eighteen weeks." He extended a hand to Josh, the other one rested on his belly. He had a good face. The smiling type of face that Josh felt the need to trust completely. 

Josh smiled, "I'm Josh," he said, taking Mark's hand, "Nine weeks." They stood for a moment. Not even sure what to say, just happy to see someone like them. 

"Um.. Nobody told me there would be another Carrier," Mark said, "I kinda wish I'd had a minute longer to bask in the spotlight." He had a smile that Josh trusted. 

"You can have the spotlight," Josh said, "I'm not here to do any basking." He smiled right back at the other man, realizing that he might've actually just made a new friend. 

October 23

Josh was having a hard time buttoning his pants. He knew that by the end of the week he'd be in sweats. He really hated the idea of maternity shopping. It meant things were becoming more noticeable. He sighed, giving up and kicking off his jeans. It was no use. They were just too tight. 

He looked in the mirror. From the front, everything looked completely normal. He was just another teenage boy. He lifted his shirt, and it was still normal. He tilted his head and turned the side. 

There it was, the almost imperceptible swell. He knew if he said anything, they'd all say there was nothing there and that he was just being silly. But it was there. He almost felt his heart skip a beat. His baby was in there. He splayed his hand over the not-quite-there bump and hid it completely. 

He didn't realize he was smiling. Only nine weeks along and he was already playing peek-a-boo with the little bean. Hiding the swell of his stomach beneath his fingers then pulling them away to see if it was really there. Then his smile fell. 

The rumors about the dad were still spinning and getting really wild. He'd heard several involving teachers being the dad. As soon as he started showing, the rumors would start up all over again. He'd be the center of gossip. He hated being the center of anything. He just wanted to do his own thing and hang out with his friends. But... He sighed and grabbed a pair of sweats. He really needed to fix this mess he'd gotten himself into. He just didn't know if he could. 

October 25

"She showed me her dress," Mark said, taking a bite of his ice cream, "Completely hides the bump." 

Josh nodded, taking a large bite of his own ice cream, "Yeah, I'm getting pretty excited about it," he said, "I mean... It's homecoming. It's gonna be great. And I'm really glad that the suit pants still fit. Most of my pants are already too tight." 

Mark chuckled, "Yeah, apparently people like us show and grow." He smiled, clearly proud of the silly wording he'd coined. Josh had a feeling that he'd actually come up with it a long while ago, and had been waiting for the perfect opportunity to use it. 

He frowned. "Yeah..." He licked his ice cream. He really wasn't looking forward to the 'show and grow'. He knew there was a bit of show already, but only enough that he'd see it. He sighed and slumped in his seat, thinking for a minute about how he was going to miss the pre party and after party at Brendon's. "So... Did your friends... Did they stop talking to you when...?" He drew a bump over his own stomach with his hand. 

Mark was silent for a moment. Then he took a deep breath. "I mean... My boyfriend left me. Then he told the school that he wasn't the father and I cheated..." He sighed, "My uh... I didn't have many friends after that... Mom ended up pulling me out of school and I've been doing online..." He chewed his lip, his spoon stirring the ices cream slowly. 

Josh nodded. "Ok... Um... My friends... Well... I..  I miss Tyler most... He's... He's been telling everyone he's the father... But, we got in a fight, and I really want to forgive him, but..." he sighed, "I just... Don't know how." 

"He hasn't said anything? Even after this fight?" Mark asked carefully, not wanting to cross any lines. 

Josh nodded, suddenly feeling sniffly. Damn pregnancy hormones. He couldn't even mention Tyler without wanting to sob. He just missed him. "I mean... I'd been fighting with Brendon, and then... He saw me talking to his girlfriend and he got pissed off and punched me... And Tyler yelled at him... I don't think he meant for the whole school to hear it... It just hurt so bad... I couldn't even look at him. And he's got this girlfriend, Jenna..." He sighed. 

"You like Tyler?" Mark asked, rubbing his back gently, "Like... You want to date him?" 

Josh hesitated then nodded. "Yeah... We used to hook up all the time. But his parents caught us. Not in the act, we were just kissing in his bed. Fully clothed. But... They still kicked me out. And called mom. I think that's the longest we ever went without seeing each other. We started hooking up again just before... But he can't be the father. He never topped." 

Mark just nodded as he listened, not sure he really knew what Josh and Tyler had gone through together, but able to see that they needed to have each other, even if it was just as friends. "Do... do you want me to go with you to talk to him?" he asked, his head tilting to the side slightly.

Josh looked at him, then smiled and nodded. "Yes please..." he said, "I'd love that. Can... Can we go tomorrow? I'd really like it to be soon. I really miss him..." 

Mark nodded. "Of course," he said, "You and me, we're bump buddies now. That's a bond that really can't be broken.' 

Josh grinned, sniffling softly and trying his hardest to not start crying, happier than he had been in a long time. 

October 26

Josh sat on the steps of house. School was terrible. Especially since he was all sweats now. It was all just going through the motions and trying to ignore the comments people made about him being a slut. He knew Tyler was getting a bit of it as well, but not as bad. Even the teachers were acting as though he was throwing his entire future away when he had to excuse himself due to morning sickness. 

He smiled when he saw Mark, he grinned. He wasn't ready, but he was tired of waiting. He looked at the text Mark had helped him draft, then sent it. This was going to be rough. 

 **Text to Ty Guy:** Hey! It's been a while. I really think we need to talk. But, I don't want to do it over the phone. Do you maybe want to come over to my place? I really miss you and I really want to make things better. 

He stared at his phone nervously, not sure how Tyler would respond. He really hoped it would be good. He heard the steps creak as Mark sat next to him, staring at the phone screen in anticipation. 

 **Text from Ty Guy:**  I'll be over in a minute 

Josh wasn't sure if he was elated or terrified. He settled on incredibly nauseous. He looked at Mark who just murmured something he couldn't quite hear. He supposed it was about everything being okay. He glanced over at Tyler's house, watching as the other boy left and walked across their conjoined yards, not bothering with the sidewalk. 

Josh chewed his lip as he stood, his mouth dry as he forgot everything he'd planned on saying. He opened his mouth, then was silenced as Tyler pulled him into a tight hug. He forgot Mark. He forgot everything except Tyler. He held the other boy tight, breaking down in sobs. 

"I'm sorry," he said, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry..." He repeated over and over again. He was sorry for cutting the other boy off. Sorry for taking out his frustration on Tyler. Sorry for hating the person he cared about most. He just wanted his best friend back. 

"It's okay..." Tyler said, "C'mon... It'll be okay. We'll be okay. I promise we'll be okay..." 

Josh knew he was crying too. He could feel the tears on his shoulder. He didn't want to pull away. He never wanted to let go of Tyler, he wanted to hold on to him forever. But he still gave him one last squeeze and pulled away, wiping his tears off his cheeks. "I'm sorry," he said, "I have been such a petty fucking douchebag lately... I've put so much on you that you just don't deserve... I'm so fucking sorry... I'm such a shitty friend..." 

Tyler laughed softly, wiping at his own tears. "It's okay Josh," he said, "You're pregnant... You're going through so much shit that I'll never understand... Just... Don't ever try to ignore me again. I missed you so much." He pulled Josh in for another hug. 

There was the soft sound of Mark clearing his throat. Josh turned and grinned. "Oh! Ty! This is Mark," he said, tugging his best friend over to introduce him to the other man, "He's my 'bump buddy'." He chuckled. 

"Hello Tyler," Mark said, "I've heard a lot about you." He grinned as they shook hands. "Now, I am starving, so shall we make some sandwiches?" 

Josh nodded, looking at Tyler who was also nodding. "Yeah... Sandwiches," Josh said, "That sounds pretty much perfect right now." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 13: 2133 words
> 
> Sorry this took so long. I rewrote it like... 4 times. 
> 
> Votes, comments, and critiques are always appreciated! 
> 
> ~ Will


	14. 10 Weeks

October 28

"Are you sure Brendon's gonna let me come over?" Josh asked as Tyler helped him adjust his pink tie, "I mean... He punched me in the face last time we... interacted." He was wearing a suit, and his sisters had re-dyed his hair pink to match the colors of Debby's dress, which he still hadn't seen. 

"Yeah. He's pretty messed up about everything," the taller boy said. His color scheme was blue, a very, very dark blue, "He just... Doesn't know how to apologize... Your emotions have really been..."

"Mood swings?" Josh offered, knowing that things could go from sunshine to doom and gloom in a matter of seconds. The hormones had been hitting hard, just the day before he'd found himself sobbing because a cheerio fell and ended up on the floor. And it was a very lonely cheerio, and for some reason, sobbing felt incredibly reasonable at the time.

Tyler nodded. "Yeah... Mood swings... Nobody's really sure how you'll react to things right now." He took a deep breath, "And... I know the full story, so... I know why... But... They all feel like they have to walk on eggshells..." 

"Just tell them I'm super hormonal," Josh said, "And.. at least they all know they've got a set DD for tonight." He grinned, actually incredibly excited to hang out with everyone and hopefully not have everything be really strange. 

Tyler grinned as the doorbell rang. "C'mon man, our dates are here, then it's straight to the dance." 

"And the party after," Josh grinned right back, hooking his arm with Tyler's as they went to greet the girls. 

Jenna look gorgeous, her blond hair pulled back and pinned. He dress was dark blue, going down to her mid thigh, and skin tight. Debby looked just as beautiful, her hair loose and flowing down her back, her soft pink dress perfectly hiding her baby bump. Tonight, they were normal teens, ready to go to a dance as friends or something more. 

Josh's mom took their pictures, just as excited as she had been when they were freshmen. Josh was excited too. He knew this was the closest he would get to prom, and he was planning on making the most of it. The four of them stood together for a large group photo, all hands on waist and smiles with teeth. It was going to be a good night. 

They met up with the others at the dance, the whole group going in together. Josh was afraid of facing Brendon, but quickly realized it was okay. As soon as he saw the other, he pulled him into a hug. No words, they could talk about it the next day. They just needed a moment to hold onto each other and breath. And it felt good. 

He and Debby made sure to get their pictures taken in the cheesiest way possible. It was all so perfect. It was exactly what he'd imagined. They danced, they smiled, they pretended that there were no worries weighing on their shoulders. It felt good to be a normal guy for the evening, to pretend there was no worry in the world. 

The after party was at a random jocks house, and Debby took the chance to show Josh how to profit from being DD. As expected, half the designated drivers ditched their duties the second they arrived at the party. But something was off. 

Josh left Debby at the door step, he ignored the people drunkenly bumping into him and spilling their drinks on the floor. He went to stand at the stairs. He wanted to find him. The boy who had fucked up his entire life. He sat at the top of the stairs, watching the consenting couples push past him, waiting for someone to save. He didn't want anyone to deal with what he was. He wanted the father caught. He wanted the face the man in all his nightmares. 

He never found him. 

October 30

Josh really did hate wearing sweats to school, but he felt like he couldn't breathe when he wore pants. It wasn't that he was showing, he was just putting on weight at a rate of almost a pound a week. His mom said it was normal, he still hated it. He didn't want to go maternity shopping. Especially when it was nearly impossible to find stuff made for carriers. 

When he walked through the halls, he noticed some people staring, trying to see if he was showing or not. He shrugged them off. As long as they weren't trying to snap pictures then it would be fine. He would survive. No matter what his anxiety said, he would be fine. Even when he sat sat down to lunch, only to have Brendon give him a funny look. 

"What?" he asked, raising an eyebrow at the other boys confused expression. 

"You're glowing," Brendon said simply, "Like... Uh... I dunno... You're skin's all clear, your hair seems thicker... I dunno... You're just... glowing..." 

Josh frowned, then turned to Sarah, "Your boyfriend's trying to flirt with me," he said. 

"He's right though," she responded, looking him up and down, "I didn't really see it before, but he's right... You're glowing." 

Josh frowned. "No..." He said, "I'm too tired for that. And sick. I literally don't think any of my lunch is gonna make it through my next class." It was true, he needed to talk to his doctor about how extreme the morning sickness was. He'd already tried, but the doctor had just said it would clear up and didn't try to do anything about it. 

"Doesn't matter," Brendon said, "You've got a beautiful maternal glow..." He grinned goofily and scooted over so Tyler could sit next to him with Jenna glued to his side. 

"Hey guys," Tyler said, getting comfy so he could eat with an arm wrapped around Jenna's shoulders, "What're we talking about?" 

"Josh is glowing," Sarah said, "He insists that he's not, but if you look past the bags under his eyes, he really is." 

Josh rolled his eyes at the comment, and ducked his head to eat his lunch. He was not glowing. He was only ten weeks along. 

"Yeah... He really is..." 

He could feel Tyler's eyes on him. He could feel himself blushing under the other mans gaze. If the baby really was Tyler's, he would've kept it. But it wasn't Tyler's. It was somebody else's. He hated it. 

October 31

The fun thing about public school was definitely how seriously everyone took Halloween. So many people came in costume and were able to have a laugh about it. Some people went for the cheapest costumes possible, others went hardcore and made their own. Josh usually got into it. But this year he had been to distracted to plan. So he'd done a last minute zombie with his sister's help.

He loved Tyler's costume. Him and Jenna were doing some sort of demon and angel think. Jenna wearing a white dress and halo. Tyler had done his a bit differently, painting his throat and hands black, and putting in red contacts and fake fangs. He also wore all black except for a red beanie. They were cute together. 

It was one of those things Josh didn't like to think about. He wanted to be happy for them. But it hurt whenever he caught them kissing or saw Tyler greeting Jenna by wrapping his hands around he waist. It was so cute, but it usually caused his morning sickness to hit. He hated his hormones for making him feel so intensely jealous.

There was going to be a Halloween party that night. Josh didn't want to go, but he had to. He would patrol the party and say something if he saw anything. He knew people were stupid at parties, he just didn't want anybody thinking they could be smart. 

November 2

 **Text to Ty Guy:** Hey, can you come over? I need help with something.

Josh was sitting in his bed scrolling through adoption agencies. He was only ten weeks and there was still the possibility of miscarriage, but he had a feeling that the little creature was gonna stick around. 

 **Text from Ty Guy:**  Can Jenna come too? She's over and I don't wanna just abandon her with my mom. 

 **Text to Ty Guy:**  Sure, but I'm just looking for an agency to find parents for the kid. 

Josh groaned inwardly. It wasn't that he didn't like Jenna. He really did. She was an incredibly kind person, and it was clear how much she cared. She had done so much for Josh, and they barely even knew each other. He blamed his hormones for how irritated he was with her for dating Tyler, even when the whole school thought Ty was the father. 

He sighed, pulling up the list of agencies he wanted Tyler to look through. Most of them wanted the father to be there, but they didn't require it. Josh wanted Tyler to be there. He knew he'd need the support. He knew that he wouldn't be able to get through this alone. 

Tyler didn't bother to knock. Instead he and Jenna just came straight up to where Josh was. He passed Tyler the computer, "Here's what I've got so far. Most of them want the father there. Um... I'd really rather explain the situation to them in case the baby comes out like... not white." 

"Do you just want me to come along for emotional support?" Tyler asked, tilting his head to the side. 

"Emotional support would definitely be nice," Josh said, laying back on the bed with a hand on his stomach while Tyler scrolled through the links, "Apparently, it's become super in style to adopt from a Carrier by the way. I guess rich people think the gene is cool or something and are willing to by fuck tons of money for it." 

"So... Are you selling it to the highest bidder then?" Tyler asked, sounding a bit disgusted at the thought. Josh agreed with him though. He couldn't imagine just handing his baby off to someone for money. Though the funds would help. 

"And let it become some entitled dick who thinks it's okay to take advantage of people?" he asked, "No way. I want it to go to a family that will really care and want it, not someone who will buy it for fashion only to throw it away when it goes out of style." It hurt to say it so harshly, but as much as he didn't want the baby, he didn't want it to have a shitty life. He didn't want to punish it for what its father had done. 

Tyler nodded, going back to scrolling through the list. "Do you um.. have you called any of them yet to like... set up an appointment or something?" he asked, not looking up from the computer. 

"Nah. I wanted to see if you had any preferences. Also my anxiety is kicking my ass... so... I need someone to dial the number and then hand me the phone," he smiled, only halfway joking. Calling people was terrifying and it would be a lot better to have someone help him with it. "I mean... If you're willing to do that for me..." 

Jenna smiled and reached out to him. He set his phone to call and passed it to her. As Tyler read the number, she typed it in. Then hit send and passed it back to Josh, who suddenly panicked because he hadn't decided what he was going to say, and whoever picked up was going to judge him for getting knocked up. 

"Hello!" said a bright woman's voice on the other end, "Thank you for calling! How can I help you today." 

Josh choked, looking at Tyler and Jenna to tell him what to say, only managing a soft, "Uhh..." 

Tyler nodded to encourage him, and Josh swallowed thickly. "Um... I'm uh... A few weeks ago I found out I was p- pregnant..." Josh managed to stutter out, "And um.. Due to the.. uh current... circumstances... with the father... I uh... I've decided that I... I want to put it up for a- adoption..." He swallowed again, his mouth feeling incredibly dry. 

"Alright! So would you like to make an appointment with one of our agents?" the woman asked, clearly having dealt with nervous teen parents, "They'll help you to figure out if our agency is right for you as well as help you find new parents for your little miracle." 

"Uh... Yeah. Yes please," Josh said, unable to believe that this was actually happening. He was actually putting up his baby up for adoption.

"Alright, we have an opening next Friday at three PM," the woman said, "Would that work for you?" 

Josh nodded, then remembered she couldn't see him, "Yeah. Friday at three. Sounds perfect." 

After he gave her his contact info and she hung up he took a deep breath and set the phone down. "Holy shit..." he muttered. His hands were shaking. His entire soul was shaking. He was gonna be sick. 

Then he felt a hand on his shoulder and looked over at Tyler. It was going to be okay. He could do this. He would survive. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 14: 2221 words
> 
> This one was actually really fun to write. I liked it. 
> 
> Kudos, comments, and critiques make me want to write more. 
> 
> ~ Will


	15. 11 Weeks

**November 4**

Whenever his friends talked about going out, Josh had begun just excusing himself from the conversation. He didn't want them to think he was holding them back. Brendon barely even wanted him in the basement now because it meant they wouldn't be able to smoke weed; even though he told Brendon they could still smoke he was the only one who couldn't. So he just stayed home and occasionally texted Debby or Tyler in hopes that they would reply. 

At first, it was just hiding in his room, away from everyone else in the world. But when his mom caught wind of what was going on, she dragged him down to the kitchen and made him help her with whatever she was working on. It helped. That day, he was peeling potatoes for some reason. He wasn't really sure why, but he was enjoying the monotony of it while he went over what had happened in the last few weeks in his head. 

"Penny for your thoughts?" his mom said, looking up from the carrots that she was peeling for lunches. It made it easier to just prep everything on the weekend. 

"Um... Just..." He chewed his lip, "Y'know... Baby and all that. I don't wanna keep it." He looked up at her, knowing she'd probably want him to elaborate. 

She didn't even look up from her carrots. "I expected as much," She said, "What happened..." she couldn't find the words, "It can't be easy for you to make this sort of decision at your age, and after everything you've been through." Josh paused, looking up at her as she spoke. "I just want you to know, no matter what happens, I'm going to support you." 

He knew he'd been crying a lot lately, but hearing his mom say that almost made the flood gates open all over again. "Ty-" he took a deep breath, "He said he'll stand in as the father when we go to the agency. We've got an appointment Friday." 

She nodded as she listened to him. "Okay... Would you like a ride?" She looked at him, knowing it was probably gonna be a difficult appointment. He was going to be discussing giving up his child. 

He took a breath. "No... Ty is driving and Jenna said she'll wait in the car," he shrugged, looking down at the potato he was peeling, his hands not moving. 

"Josh?" his mom said softly, "Is there something else?" 

"I don't feel bad about giving it up..." he said, "Aren't I supposed to feel guilty? Or... Sad? Regret? I don't feel anything... Ever since the appointment was made I've just kinda felt relieved..." He swallowed, "Am I a bad person?" 

"Oh honey," Josh didn't have time to react as his mom pulled him into a tight hug, "You're giving someone the chance to have a family. This baby... Somebody is going to love them so much. I- I can't say that I understand your decision. I can't say that I'm happy about the idea of loosing my grandchild... But, if this is what you want, then I'm here for you. You are not a bad person Josh. You're just going through something you should never have had to go through... It's a lot. But you'll make it through. I know you will..." She pressed a kiss to his faded pink hair, and Josh tried his hardest not to cry. 

"I love you..." he said. He didn't say that enough. He needed to tell her that more. 

"I love you too," she said. 

**November 5**

Sitting in the circle was familiar. Watching the girls chatting about how excited they were to be moms. Even Chris seemed like he was excited to be a parent. He had a hand resting on his stomach as he listened to the discussion about finances and which diaper brands were best. 

Josh didn't say anything. He never really participated in these discussions, it made him feel like an outsider surrounded by the only people who might have an idea what he was going through. He was tempted to just leave, but at the same time he didn't want to just go hide in his room. And Debby was his ride. So he sat through it, listening as they talked about names and such, making connections with each other. 

After group, he and Debby went out to lunch. Nothing fancy, just Taco Bell. As soon as they were sat down, Debby looked at him, watching as he unwrapped his burrito. 

"What?" he asked, through a full mouth. 

"You didn't say anything at group," she replied, "You just kinda sat there and looked really distant." She shrugged, "Thought I'd ask what's up." 

He looked down at his food and thought. "Uh... It's nothing. Just still getting used to the whole group thing... And freaking out about the fact that I might start showing soon." He smiled, laughing softly, "I mean... My stomach is already feeling a bit more firm and my pants are tight." 

"You're eleven weeks, right?" she asked, "Because according to my favorite pregnancy guide... I think that means it's the size of a fig..." She wrinkled her nose, not sure if that was even right.

"How big is a fig then?" He asked, raising an eyebrow, "Because I don't think I've ever actually seen one." 

"Somewhere between a kumquat and a lime," she said with a joking grin, and he figured she already knew what he was going to say. 

He grinned right back, "What the fuck is a kumquat?" he asked, laughing out loud, "Actually... Y'know what? Let's get our shit together, we're going to the store and we're gonna find everything on that size chart for group next week. And then, everyone can find the size of their baby." 

"That sounds like the most white suburban mom thing ever," Debby said, "I'm in." She grabbed her jacket and the to-go bag while Josh swallowed the rest of his burrito in two bites. He felt a lot lighted than he had that morning. He was actually kind of excited for the adventure, and for the chance to do something that was fun for once. 

**November 8**

"TYLER!" Josh yelled, knocking on his best friends door, "Dude please answer! This is way too important!" 

Tyler's brother, Zach, opened the door, looking at Josh with pure confusion all over his face, "What th-" he was cut off by Josh pushing past him and sprinting down the stairs to where Tyler's room was. 

"Tyler!" he cried, "Look! I know you took a sick day, but I need to show you this it's incredibly important!" He looked at Tyler who had buried his head under his pillow, probably with a headache. He quieted down, "Ty... I'm starting to show..." 

Tyler sat bolt upright and turned to the other. "Seriously?" he asked, his voice a bit raw from his cold. 

Josh nodded, "And not just... a bit of weight like..." he pulled up his shirt to show his stomach. Over the past few weeks he had definitely been putting on weight, but now there was a definite bump starting to form, "I mean... I know Chris said that Carriers show sooner and all but... It still feels so soon..." He looked at Tyler. 

Tyler's jaw was hanging open. "Dude..." he said. He couldn't even find the words, "Can I... Can I y'know... This probably sounds really weird... but... Can I... like... feel?" 

Josh laughed and stepped over. He took Tyler's hand and pressed it to his stomach. "It still feels pretty normal.." he said, "Like... I feel like I should feel different or something.. But it doesn't feel real." 

Tyler laughed, "Well it certainly doesn't feel like your abs did." He looked up from Josh's stomach, smiling at him in a way that Josh had never really seen before. 

Josh smiled softly, the feelings he still had for the other suddenly flooding his mind. He could feel Tyler's hand against his skin and the smile on Tyler's face. He pushed them away. Tyler didn't want someone like him. Someone so broken and sad. He dropped his shirt, making the other pull his hand away. 

"I just... Thought you'd wanna see..." he said, shrugging slightly, "I was gonna show you at school today but... You have a cold." He smiled softly, trying to force the urge to grab Tyler's face and kiss him away. 

Tyler smiled, his eyes trailing down to Josh's stomach again. "Thanks man," he said, looking up again, "It means a lot." He licked his lips, "Uh.. Did you bring my assignments?" 

"Yeah!" Josh said, snapping back to reality. He started digging into his backpack to help the other not fall behind because of one sick day. 

**November 10**

The week had passed almost too quickly, and suddenly Josh was in the passenger seat of Tyler's car. Even with the music flowing through the radio, the car felt silent. It was Veteran's Day, so there was no school. Just Josh, Tyler, and Jenna heading to an agency to discuss what was going to happen with Josh's baby. 

Josh could feel himself slipping again. All the emotions he'd been feeling through the week, all those good things, were collapsing. He was headed straight back to the guilt because he didn't want the kid. Sometimes he wondered if he actually hated it. He couldn't blame the critter for what their dad had done, but it was a constant reminder that his body wasn't his. His control had been shattered in one life destroying moment. 

"Josh?" 

He felt a hand on his arm and realized that they had parked. He took a deep breath. "I'm fine Ty..." he lied, "Lets just get this over with." He climbed out of the car and looked around. 

The building was brick and well maintained. The sort of place where rich people payed out the ass for the simple idea of adopting some lower class baby to show off. Josh swallowed nervously and headed for the door. He was going to do this. He could get through this. 

The interior was calm. It didn't feel like a waiting room, and it made Josh feel grimy. It was so clean. He chewed his lip and stepped over to what he thought was the receptionist. "Um.." he said, "I'm Josh... I have an appointment... I br-" He was cut off by the woman shoving a clipboard at him.

"Fill this out. The agent will call you back and can answer your questions soon," she said, not even looking up from what she was doing. 

Josh swallowed and looked at the others before heading over to sit down and fill out the paperwork. It was mostly legal, as well as a bit of medical information about his health and family history. He swallowed, chewing his cheek while ticking off boxes. He could hear Tyler and Jenna chatting softly, but mostly just ignored them. He nearly jumped out of his skin when he heard his name called. 

"Joshua Dun?" He looked up and saw a smartly dressed woman. He stood and felt Tyler and Jenna stand with him. The agent smiled and stepped over. "Hello! I'm Jodi Bainbridge and I'll be your agent." She looked at Tyler, "Is this the father?" 

"Oh uh... No... That's my emotional support," Josh said, smiling and trying to relax.

"Oh! I'm sorry," Ms. Bainbridge said, "Now... Unfortunately we can only allow family into the interviews. We want to ensure this is one hundred percent your decision." 

Josh's smile fell and he swallowed. "Please let Tyler in..." he said, his voice small, "Um... Please..." He swallowed again, not wanting to burst into tears or something. 

"I can wait out here," Jenna said, stepping back, "I mean.. These two are practically brothers..." She smiled, taking a seat to wait. 

Ms. Bainbridge pursed her lips then nodded. "Alright, come along then," she said, waving them towards a room where they'd be figuring out all of the legal things. "So Josh, how old are you?" 

"Eighteen," he said, reaching out and taking Tyler's hand for comfort, "And I'm eleven weeks along last time I checked." Tyler squeezed his hand gently. 

She opened the door to a comfy looking room and ushered them inside. "And... May I ask who the father is?" 

Josh nodded as he took his seat. Three months and it was still so hard to think about. He got a flash of a memory and shook his head, looking at Tyler for help. 

"He doesn't know," Tyler said softly, "Um..." He looked at Josh, asking permission to tell more of the story. Josh nodded slightly to tell him to continue. "He was... assaulted at a party..." 

Josh swallowed thickly, pushing away the ghosts of hands on his hips and wrists. "I just... Don't want this baby..." he said softly, "It wasn't my choice to make it and this is my choice. I want it to go to a good home, with parents that will love it like I can't. Please..." He looked up at Ms. Bainbridge with watery eyes. 

She nodded, writing a few notes on her clipboard in a very clinical way. Then she stood and walked over and kneeled in front of Josh's chair. "Mr. Dun," she said, "I promise that we will do everything that we can to make this a comfortable process for you. Okay?" He nodded. "Now I'm gonna set up to ask questions about what sort of parents you want your child to have. Alright?" He nodded again. She smiled and went back to her seat. 

The rest off the appointment went smoothly. Tyler was mostly silent, letting Josh hold his hand to help him calm his nerves and encouraging him when he was feeling lost. By the end though, Josh felt like a hundred pound weight had been lifted from his shoulders. When they all piled into the car, talking about what had happened, he felt so light. He felt like this was going to be easier than he expected. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 15 - 2339 words
> 
> Hey guys! Sorry about the sudden hiatus. I have depression. But! I recently moved and found myself in a much much much better place so hopefully that means I'll be writing more! 
> 
> Kudos, comments, and critiques always appreciated! 
> 
> ~ Will


	16. 12 Weeks

**November 11**

Josh was gonna go to the store. He was supposed to anyways. He headed out to his car, which was sitting at the edge of the driveway. He walked to the drivers side door when something caught his eye. Sitting on the windshield was a CD case. 

A bad feeling immediately settled into the pit of his stomach. It wasn't something that should be so unsettling, but the thing threw him off. He swallowed thickly and picked it up. On the paper that had been slipped into the front was a typed note. 

**Josh. That's right. I know your name. I know you're knocked up. Everyone knows that. If you don't want them to see how it happened you'll do exactly what I say. Go to the police and everyone will see your sex tape. Love your baby daddy.**

Josh was shaking. Every inch of him was shaking. He was frozen in place. This couldn't be happening. It couldn't be. Things were supposed to be better. He was in control again. He had to be in control. He choked out a scream. 

He could hear his name echoing in the distance but he couldn't recognize it. The person who had stripped him of his humanity was back. He thought they were gone. But they knew his name. They knew where he lived. They had... He couldn't breath. There were hands around his throat. He wasn't breathing. He could hear someone talking. He could hear their voice in his ear. 

He recognized the face, but couldn't find their name. All he could think of was... He couldn't bear to think of it yet it kept circling in his mind. He felt the CD case get pulled from his hands. The person with him had to struggle, Josh's knuckles were white against the plastic, holding on so tight that it had cracked.  

"Josh," the words were clearer, "You need to breathe." 

He choked on an inhale. The voice was right. 

"Think of the baby... Josh. Just breath in with me." 

He looked at the face, watching as they inhaled. He tried to inhale with them, but his throat was dry. "Can't..." he choked out. 

"If you can talk then you can breathe," Brendon said, "Now c'mon. Let's get inside." Josh felt an arm around his waist and his ears were ringing. 

He didn't see what happened to the disk. He just let himself be led to the house. He knew his mom would be curious about what happened. But it didn't matter. He didn't know how he ended up on the couch. Brendon was replaced with his mom. He could se her face and immediately clung to her, speaking gibberish. Trying to tell her he was okay. He didn't want her to know. She'd go to the police. The video would be leaked. They knew... 

Brendon stood back, the weight of the CD he'd slipped into his pack heavier than anything he'd ever known. He'd seen what was written on it. He couldn't even imagine what it contained. But he was never going to let anyone see. Especially not Josh.  

**November 13**

School was back to being overwhelming as all hell. Josh had no idea who the hell might be the one who sent the little message. Well... Big, life ruining message. He had no idea what came next. He wasn't ready for what might come next. He moved through the halls with his head down, feeling as though everyone's eyes were on him. 

As soon as he spotted Brendon he went straight for him. "Where is it?" he asked, no hello or anything, just straight to the point. "And don't play dumb. I know you have it." 

"It's somewhere safe," Brendon said, "I hid it where no one would find it." He turned so he was facing the other. "What do you want me to do? Josh... I'm lost here... Maybe... Maybe if I take it to the cops... Maybe they won't know..." 

Josh swallowed. "But what if they do? Bren... Please... I..." he took a deep breath. "Thank you for not telling my mom.."

"How could I?" Brendon asked, "Hi Mrs. Dun. Yeah, your son is having a panic attack because his rapist decided to fuck with his head. Have a nice day!" He sighed. 

Josh winced at the words. But he appreciated it. Brendon didn't walk on eggshells around him. "Wait..." he frowned, "How did you- We've been saying Tyler is the-"

"Tyler wouldn't fuck with your head like this," Brendon said, "Honestly, I know you two so well that it really wasn't hard to figure out. I've known for a while now. I figured you were were just black out drunk with a rando, but the way you were acting at the beginning of the year didn't make sense. So... I drew my own conclusions." 

Josh's heart sank. "Do you know if anyone else knows?" he asked. 

"Ashley. I think Hayley is suspicious. I talked her out of it though. And Sarah has no clue," Brendon shrugged, "But that's not the point. We're trying to keep the whole school from witnessing." 

Josh swallowed thickly. "Take it to the cops..." He said, "Or give it to Sarah to give to the cops." He looked at Brendon, "Please. Just... I don't want to give them anymore power over me..." 

Brendon nodded. "Say nothing to anyone else?" he asked. Josh nodded. And Brendon took a deep breath. "This is... This is insane man. Fuckin' crime show shit y'know?" 

Josh laughed softly. "Yeah. Crime show shit." He swallowed thickly, hoping that he was making the right decision. If not, it could easily ruin his entire life. He took a deep breath, "I gotta get to class... I'll seeya later Bren." 

Brendon nodded. "Yeah, seeya later." 

**November 14**

**From Bren:** Sarah dropped it off. She gave a statement about how she came upon it and gave them your number to avoid you being seen with them. I don't know when they'll call you, but it should be soon. 

 **To Bren:** Thank you

 **From Bren:**  You ok?

 **To Bren:**  No.

 **To Bren:**  Don't worry too much though. I'll get through it.

 **From Bren:**  Ok man. I'm right here if you need me. 

 **To Bren:**  I know. I'll be fine. 

Josh leaned back on his bed. He rested a hand on his stomach. feeling his bump with his eyes closed. His baby. He hated it. He wanted it gone. Yet he knew he'd be devastated if he miscarried. He took a deep breath, wishing that Tyler really was the father. It would be so much easier that way. 

He looked at the first text Brendon had sent. The police knew what was happening. They were informed. He would be okay. Everything would be okay. It would all be over soon. He took several deep breaths. Once the baby was gone, it would all be okay. Only six more months to go.

**November 15**

It was easier pretending like it never happened. Josh realized this pretty quickly. He went to his classes and did his homework and pretended that it was all perfectly fine. He had just gotten home from school and was sitting down to pick his way through a math assignment when his phone started ringing. He answered. 

"Hello?" he said, not having recognized the number. 

"Hello. I'm Detective Santiago. May I speak to Joshua Dun?" Said a woman's voice on the other end. She sounded professional. Like someone who worked a desk job, and was always incredibly organized. 

"You're speaking to him," he said, realizing this was probably about the tapes, "Is this about the... video that my friend brought in?" He chewed his lip, trying not to sound as outright terrified as he felt. 

There was a moment then the woman said, "Yes. This is Columbus PD. And I am calling about the tape." 

He swallowed thickly. "Um... Ok. What about it? Do you know who made it?" 

She took a moment. "Unfortunately, there were no prints on it other than those of your friends. And the only face shown was yours."

His heart sank. "Any good news?" he asked, his voice cracking slightly, "Please tell me there's good news..." 

"It gave us an idea of the build and race of your attackers. And how many people we're looking for," she said, "Would you like to know?" 

He nodded robotically, then remembered that she couldn't see him. "Um... Yeah... Please..." he said. He hoped knowing would help the nightmares. Make it feel less infinite. 

"Three," she said, her tone clinical but still worried, "I understand you don't want to come in because of the note, but... I would like to meet up with you somewhere. Just so I can get a statement from you." 

He nodded. "Yeah. Ok.. Um... Not right now... I kinda... I have a lot to think about." 

"I understand," she said, "Just call this number when you're ready." 

"Ok.. I will. Thank you Ms. Santiago." 

**November 17**

Josh woke up in a cold sweat with a sharp pain in his side. "Ah... Baby, baby..." he murmured, pressing his hand to the spot. He took a deep breath and sat up, feeling the same sharp pain in the same spot. 

"Fuck..." He stood and instantly knew something was not right. "Mom!" he yelled as the pain hit again, sharper than before, "There's something wrong!" 

His mom appeared so quickly that it was almost as if she materialized in the doorway. She moved to her sons side. "What's wrong?" she asked. 

"I dunno... Something?" he said, his hand still pressed to his side, "Mom I know I don't want it... I can't loose it.." He swallowed. 

She pressed a hand to his forehead. "Jesus you're burning up," she muttered. She moved to his closet, tossing him a t-shirt and some sweats. "Get dressed. I'm taking you to Urgent Care." She said, "Even if it's nothing, I want you to stay safe." 

He nodded, pulling on the clothes and ignoring how tight they were. He let his mom help him up. The pain was fading now, but he was still scared. What if they were too late? What if something had happened? He swallowed as he got into the car. 

"Mom..." he said softly, "What... What if it's not..." He looked at her and she sighed. 

"It'll be okay Josh. You're stronger than you know. No matter what, you'll make it through," she smiled, "It'll be okay. Just take some deep breaths."

He nodded and took a deep breath. The pain had faded completely, but he still wanted to cry. It just felt like everything was falling apart just when he had gotten it all together. He had finally started feeling whole again. Why did everything have to fall apart now? Why was it all against him. 

They arrived at the hospital and he was taken back quickly. He knew that it meant his problem was more urgent than others, but he still felt bad. It wasn't long before he was in a hospital gown laying on a bed. It felt like they were running around in circles. They took his temperature, and a blood sample, urine test, the works. 

Finally, after what felt like days, but had only really been a couple hours, the Doctor came back. "Well," he said, "Nothing seems to be wrong. But, I'm gonna do a quick ultrasound just to be sure." 

Josh nodded, lifting his shirt to reveal the swell of his stomach. The doctor felt along it, explaining that it was to make sure there was nothing odd outside. When he was done, he got the wand and the goop and pressed it to Josh's stomach. 

"Alright Mr. Dun," he said, "There's your baby..." He smiled, "And there's the heartbeat... All the fingers and toes are there... It looks like everything is totally fine." 

Josh swallowed. "What about the pain? It was so bad..." he said, feeling small and almost stupid for panicking that morning. 

"I think you might just be stressing," the Doctor said, "My suggestion would be to reduce stress. Carrier pregnancies are much more difficult than normal, and are often more likely to have problems." 

Josh nodded. "Should I be staying off my feet or..." he trailed off, not really sure how to fix it. He wanted to make sure nothing bad would happen to the baby. With all the bad going on, he needed something good. 

"It's not a bad idea. For just a few days at least. Take some time, and catch your breath," the Doctor smiled, "Your baby is going to be just fine Mr. Dun. I promise." 

Josh nodded. He hoped that what the doctor was saying was true. He really needed it to be. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 16 - 2116 words
> 
> Well this certainly was a doozy to write. I better make my deal with the devil now, because I'm certainly going straight to hell. 
> 
> ~ Will


	17. 13 Weeks

**November 18**

Josh stood in his room, examining his bump from the side. It was so clearly there now. To anyone who didn't know, it probably looked like he'd just put on a bunch of weight. To anyone who did, he was showing. He was definitely showing. And after what had happened the day before, he was panicking. 

Thanksgiving was coming up. That meant his extended family was going to see him. He knew they would not be happy when they found out he wasn't keeping it. And it would be impossible to hide what was going on. He splayed his hand across his skin, remembering the look on Tyler's face when he'd first pressed his hand to it. The pure awe. It had been fantastically beautiful. 

He chewed his lip for a moment, then stepped over and locked the door. Nobody was home, but he still didn't want them to walk in on him. He sat on the bed and let the thoughts of his best friend flood his mind. Fuck it had been too long. He palmed himself through his shorts, remembering the way that Tyler sounded when he moaned. It had always been such a beautiful sound. 

He remembered the taste of sweat on Tyler's skin. He had always thought it would be gross, yet somehow it had been his favorite thing in the world. He pulled himself out of his shorts, remembering the feeling of Tyler's mouth around him. He couldn't hold back his soft moan. The sight of Tyler's lips stretched around his length with brown eyes watering. It had been the most beautiful thing imaginable. 

"Ty..." he muttered, working his length with his hand, "Fuck..." 

He remembered the sight of Tyler bending over nervously the first time they'd had sex. The taste of the other boy as he'd worked him open with tongue and fingers. The sounds Tyler had made. The tightness as he'd eased into him. It had been the best thing he'd ever felt. 

"Tyler..." He moaned as his orgasm began to build. The thought of Tyler and the things they'd done was so fantastic. He remembered the sight of Tyler beneath him, mouth open and eyes rolling back. The taste of his lips when they'd kissed.

"Fu-ck..." He managed as he spilled across his own hand. He looked down at the mess, catching his breath. He grabbed some tissues, cleaning himself up. His hormones were really running wild. At least the morning sickness wasn't as bad as it had been. 

He opened his blinds, glancing over at Tyler's house. Jenna's car was in the driveway. He felt guilt wash over him. He shut the blinds again and went to take a shower, wanting to not feel so dirty. 

**November 19**

They were discussing baby names that day. Each person saying what they were thinking of naming their soon to be children. "I'm gonna name my baby boy Theodore," Mark said, rubbing his belly with a smile. He was really starting to show, and he was clearly just having fun with it, "Mostly because I like nicknames and want to call him Theo or Teddy." 

Debby laughed, "Um... I decided to opt out of knowing my baby's gender. So... If it's a girl, I'm gonna name her Sophia, but I'm torn between like.. six different names if it's a boy." She laughed and the group laughed along with her, "So either I'm gonna figure it out, or he's gonna have a ridiculously long name." 

"What about you Josh," one of the girls, Judith, asked, "What're you gonna name your baby?" 

He swallowed. "Um... I'm... I haven't really thought of a name..." he said trying to avoid the question.

"Really?" Nevara piped up, "After the panic subsided it was the first thing I knew." She laughed softly and a few other girls nodded in agreement. 

"Oh..." he said softly, panic rising in his chest, "Well... Um... I don't plan on keeping my baby... So I guess it just hadn't crossed my mind..." He shrugged, trying to act casual about the whole situation. 

The room was dead silent. "So... You're just... giving it away?" Sunny asked, furrowing her brows slightly at Josh. 

"Well... It's not that simple," he said, "I'm going through an agency and they're gonna help find parents so that my baby doesn't end up in the foster system or something." He explained, trying to make them understand that he'd definitely though his decision through. 

It was Kylie's turn to speak. "But don't you love them?" she asked, "Your baby I mean." 

"Yes! Of course I love them. It's just... I don't think I would ever love it as much as it's adoptive parents would," he tried to say, wanting them to understand what he was doing. His panic was rising in his throat.

Nevara had just frowned and rubbed her belly in an upset way, "How could you not love your own kid?" she'd asked. 

"The dad wasn't a good perso-" A tear slipped down his cheek as he was cut off before he could explain why. 

"So you're blaming your baby for something the dad did?" Tammy asked, cradling Juliet close as though his negativity would rub off on her child. 

"I ca-" He was glad he got cut off this time. 

"Leave him alone guys," Mark piped in, "You have no idea what it's like to be a Carrier. Besides, he's making sure that a family can have a baby." He sat back against his chair, arms folded across his chest, "I think what Josh is doing is incredibly brave and should be celebrated, not shamed." 

Josh had to take a deep breath as he stood, leaving the room. Debby followed a minute later, after assuring Mark that she could handle it. She found Josh in the mens bathroom furiously wiping his cheeks and taking shaky breaths. His mind was back to racing, going so fast that he didn't even hear her come in. 

He knew it. He knew he was a bad person. He hated himself, hated that he wanted to get rid of his own kid, hated that he'd almost killed it. 

"Josh..." She said softly, "It's okay you know. That you're putting them up for adoption." She stepped over and hugged him from behind. "You're a brave person for it." 

He took a shaky breath. "I... I still remember flashes of it you know..." he said, "Like, I remember pain. Something in my mouth. I remember there was music in the background..." He looked in the mirror, "I remember waking up in your car..." He looked back down at the sink. "Those girls in there. They won't understand that." 

He felt her nose between his shoulder blades as she hugged him to the best of her ability. It felt nice. 

"I don't want to see the face of a ghost every time I look at my own kid," he continued, "I want them to be in a place, where someone can look at them and see only love..." He swallowed thickly, "I love them... But I can't stand the thought of even looking at them. I look in the mirror and see the bump and it just feels like he still trying to control me..." He could feel the sob building in his throat but he forced it back. "I don't want this baby. I never wanted this... I just don't know how to say that without saying that I was raped." 

His own words hit him like a slap to the face. He had to pause for a moment. It was the first time his said it out loud. The first time he'd acknowledged what had happened to him. He didn't know whether it felt good or bad. He just knew it was a step, and hoped it was in the right direction. He felt Debby's arms tight around his waist and turned, tightly hugging her back. 

**November 22**

Thanksgiving break was just as boring as Josh thought it might be. All his friends were off doing other things, so he spent most of it on his own, just playing video games in his room and feeling vaguely exhausted. He was struggling to come to terms with the idea of going to thanksgiving dinner with the whole family, especially considering he was actually in maternity clothes at this point. It was terrifying to think that he would have to explain to his grandmother that her great grandchild would be given away to strangers. He didn't want to do that to her. 

He headed downstairs, just wanting to get a snack. His mom was in the kitchen already, looking every bit as tired as Josh felt. "Hey hon," she said, "You excited to see the family?" 

He just shot her a look that screamed "no". 

She shot a look back that just said "go along with it". 

"Yeah," he deadpanned, "I'm totally excited for the Thanksgiving..." He sighed, going to dig through the cupboard for something to eat, "So excited for everyone to wonder why I've put on weight. And someone to let slip that I'm expecting, but not keeping." He sighed, "So excited to be the biggest embarrassment in the fucking family..." 

"Watch your language," she shot back, finishing up the dishes she had been working on, "Josh, you're barely showing," she said, stepping over to him, "This could be your last chance to see your extended family for a long while." She set a hand on his shoulder, "You should really go." 

He chewed his lip. "I'll always see them next year..." he said, "I'm sorry mom... I just.. can't... I'm sorry..." 

She nodded. "It's alright hon... I'll just say you had the flu. And... You could never be an embarrassment to me. I promise. You are my son and I love you so so much." 

He swallowed thickly. "I love you too mom..." he said, before disappearing back to his room. 

**November 23**

Everybody left in the morning. Josh didn't bother saying goodbye to them. When they were gone, he climbed out onto the roof to let himself be cold. He felt so numb so often now, that it was difficult to do anything that meant functioning. He wanted to smoke, but he couldn't because that would be bad for the precious miracle. He wanted to cry,  but he couldn't even bring himself to do that. 

He climbed back into his room when the first car pulled into Tyler's driveway. He watched numbly as the Joseph's arrived and set to work prepping the Thanksgiving feast. He could see the kids playing in the backyard as the adults cooked in the kitchen. He saw Tyler with Jenna, and felt a stab of jealousy. He rolled away. 

He was determined to take a nap. But sleep wouldn't come. No matter how hard he tried the numbness wouldn't go away and his mind refused to settle. It kept rolling over the bad things going on. It felt like he was being attacked from all sides and he didn't know how to handle it. He was so overwhelmed and felt so isolated from everything. He didn't relate to any of his friends anymore, he couldn't do any of the things they wanted to do. He just wanted to scream and destroy something but he had nothing to destroy. 

He headed to the attic, to the one place he could vent and not care if anyone heard him. He didn't start slow. He turned his music up loud and started playing, beating the drums as though his life depended on it. He didn't want to stop. He kept going, kept playing, kept raging, trying to get some relief. He wanted to to feel again. He didn't want to be numb. 

He felt a hand on his shoulder. 

He turned and Tyler was there. He turned down the music slightly. "Sorry," he said, smiling softly, "Mom was complaining..." He grabbed the spare ukulele, "Mind if I hide with you for a little bit?" 

Josh took a deep breath and shook his head. "Please?" he asked, wanting his best friend to stay for just a minute. He needed somebody, even if he couldn't put what he was going through into words, it felt good to have someone to hang out with. 

Tyler strummed the ukulele, starting up the tune. Josh picked it up quickly, keeping the beat softer. It felt better than breaking. It felt sort of like healing. 


	18. 14 Weeks

**November 25**

"Joshua Dun?" Josh looked up and around, his eyes landing on a man in a doorway. This was something he had tried several times already, but hadn't really stuck with. None of the counselors seemed to really know what he was going through, they said he just needed to not think about it, he would get over it, or even that he was too young to understand what he was going through. He hoped this one was different. 

The man was dressed nicely in a button down and a bowtie. He had a slight scruff and an honest face. Josh knew immediately that this one wasn't going to be like the other one's. He stood and walked over swallowing nervously. The man shook his hand as they walked through the door and into the hallway, "Hello Joshua," he said, "Or do you just prefer Josh?" 

"Josh," Josh said softly, "I like Josh." He tried to smile, but was a bit off, "Um... I'm gonna be honest... You're not the first person I've gone to... and um-"

"It's okay," the man said, skimming through Josh's file, "Most people need to shop around a bit to find the counselor that fit's them best." He smiled, glancing up at him, "And on that note, I'm Dr. Wentz. I hope I'm a good fit for you." 

Josh smiled, letting Dr. Wentz lead the way to his office. He sat in a chair and grabbed a notepad to jot down what was happening, gesturing for Josh to sit on the couch across from him. 

"So," he continued, "Your file does say quite a bit about what you've been going through, but I would like to hear it from you. Why are you here?"

"Well..." Josh chewed his lip softly, debating where to begin, "I.. I guess because of what happened at the party... And... Everything that happened because of it..." He looked at Dr. Wentz, swallowing nervously, "Um.. I was out with friends, and well... I didn't realize what was happening until I was too far gone..."

Dr. Wentz paused him, "You don't have to talk about anything you aren't ready to," he said, "You don't even know if you're keeping me yet after all." He smiled gently, and Josh nodded. 

"Well... Um.. To summarize, I'm pregnant, and I don't remember a lot of it. A stranger put something in my drink and... It's a blur after that," He shrugged, "And... I'm struggling to process a lot of what happened, and I feel so lost and trapped and confused... And I'm hoping you might be able to help me figure some of my emotions out..." 

Dr. Wentz nodded slowly. "I'm hoping I can help you too Josh," he said, his concern nothing but genuine, "I'm know there are adults out there who could never handle what you are going through. So where do you feel comfortable starting?" 

Josh chewed his lip for a moment, taking a small breath and running a hand over his stomach. "School?" he offered, "Somewhere small so we can get to know each other?" 

Dr. Wentz smiled and nodded, "School sounds good to me." 

**November 26**

It had taken a lot of convincing for Josh to go back to the pregnancy group. In the end Debby had to explain that it wasn't even a real meeting, it was their Thanksgiving feast, and that a bunch of them had chipped in on getting him an apology and it would break their hearts if he didn't show up. 

Most of him wanted to break their hearts. What they had done the week before had hurt. These were supposed to be people who supported him through this hard time and instead they had tried to tear him down. He went anyways, because he knew he wouldn't be able to stand hurting them, even if they did deserve it. 

The food wasn't any sort of classic Thanksgiving food, but after living off of leftovers for the past few days, Josh was definitely thankful for that. There were a couple of party platers with veggies or meat and cheese, and then a spread of whatever everyone brought in. Chips, a pie, some finger foods, a cravings platter. He headed for the cravings, in the mood for black olives and something sweet. As he loaded up, he saw Tammy walking over and groaned internally. 

"Hey Josh!" she said, a bit too brightly, flicking her hair over her shoulder. "Can I talk to you in private for a moment?" 

"Why?" he asked, more harshly than he had intended, "So you can assume things and tell me what a terrible person I am?" he added, "Or so that, when I try to explain something that I shouldn't have to justify, you can just talk over me?" 

She looked down, her voice small as she spoke, "I just... wanted to apologize for the way I acted..." she said. 

"Thank you for the apology," he said, "But what happened last week... it hurt. I've already got my doubts about my decisions, but I'm sure you had your doubts when deciding to keep Juliet..." He took a deep breath, "I love my kid... I just know that whoever adopts them, they'll love them more than I ever could."

She chewed her lip. "I just don't understand how.. Juliet is the love of my life. I could never have given her away." 

"I'm not asking for everyone to understand me," he reached out, setting a hand on her shoulder to make her look up at him, "I'm here for support. Same reason everyone else is here." She had blue eyes. He'd never noticed that before. 

She nodded. "You should've heard Debby after you left..." she said softly, "I don't think I'd ever seen her so upset. She was yelling and crying, saying that we were all horrible and should be ashamed of the things we said. She made Nevara and Sunny cry." 

Josh swallowed thickly and looked over at where Debby was talking to Mark. She looked back and smiled, waving to him. He smiled back. "I didn't ask her to do that," he said, "I just wanted to go home..." 

Tammy shrugged, "Either way, she really likes you. You're lucky to have a friend like her." 

Josh chewed his lip and nodded. He really was lucky to have Debby in his life. 

**November 27**

The teacher was talking. Josh knew they were, but he wasn't paying attention. He rarely did anymore. There was so much going on beyond what was in class. It was difficult to think about anything else. He sighed, doodling in the corner of the notes he was supposed to be taking. He didn't know what exactly. It was just lines and shapes thrown down in random patterns. 

Tyler was a few seats in front of him, and Josh could tell he was taking diligent notes. The type that could even help a failure like him get a passing grade. He smiled, jotting down a few of the words the teacher was saying, to at least look like he was trying. The bell rang, and he headed off into the hallway. 

This was his least favorite part of the day. He could hear whispers as he stepped up to his locker and he could feel all the stares. Then there were the glances and quickly averted gazes. Occasionally someone would pass by and try to press a hand to his almost stomach. He ignored them unless they lingered, then he would gently push them away. He knew they would only end up being more. And he didn't want to be seen as the asshole, he knew that would only make things worse for him. 

He didn't have weight training anymore. He'd been transferred out to TA in the library instead. It gave him a chance to catch up on homework and rest away from people. Occasionally he'd shelve books. Today was the former, where he sat at a computer and tried to understand his math homework. It wasn't easy, but he found it comforting. In the past few months, everything had changed so much. But school was still school, and that hadn't changed at all. It helped to know that it hadn't and wasn't going to. 

He chewed his lip as he searched through the notes he'd copied off of his friends, wondering what he was going to do when all this was over. He was due in June, he rubbed his belly as he thought about it. When the baby came, it would all be over. No more school, no more kid, no more nothing. He had no clue what would happen next. He took a deep breath, and set down his pencil, unable to focus on the math. He would never survive through college, not even community college. He looked down at the slight swell of his stomach, wondering what in the hell he was going to do. 

**November 30**

Tyler was over at his house again. He'd started coming around more, just to jam out in the attic with Josh. He also talked about Jenna a lot. The look he got whenever her name was mentioned made Josh's chest twist. But he ignored it. He still had feelings for Tyler, and he knew he wouldn't be getting past them any time soon, but he also wanted to keep his best friend in his life. Even if it meant just being friends. It was a lot less complicated than trying to acknowledge his feelings. 

"I liked that one," Josh said as they began to put their things away. The day had been less about making noise, and more about a song that Tyler had been working on. They were mostly just working in the drums. 

Tyler nodded, grinning as he strummed his ukulele. "Yeah... I really think it worked going a bit softer on the drums." 

Josh smiled in agreement. It felt good to have Tyler around. He'd missed having his best friend. He stood, taking a deep breath as he adjusted to the feeling. His feet would get sore if he was up for too long, so he put away his drumsticks and quickly found a place to sit. 

"You doing okay?" Tyler asked, tilting his head to the side, "I remember you mentioned you had a new therapist..." He smiled, taking a seat next to Josh so they could talk. 

Josh nodded slowly. "Yeah! Dr. Wentz. He's great. Way better than Lidren. Uh... Last week we talked about school and stuff. Like... He wants to get to know me before we dive into any of the big things. And he's giving me a chance to get to know him. Y'know?" He looked at Tyler. 

Tyler shook his head, "Not a clue," he said. He chewed his lip then reached out, pressing a hand to Josh's stomach. "Can I... Can I tell you something?" he asked.

Josh frowned, but nodded. "Yeah... Sure. What's up?" He asked, setting his hand on top of Tyler's, drawing small circles in the other boy's skin. 

"Sometimes I see you sitting on the roof at one AM, and I know they're still haunting you..." Tyler said, his voice so soft that Josh was almost unable to hear him, "And... I wish there was some way I could help..." 

Josh squeezed Tyler's hand gently, swallowing his nerves. "This helps," he said honestly, "It helps so much more than you could imagine." 

Tyler looked at Josh, and Josh looked at Tyler. Josh could feel his heart in his throat. He wanted to kiss the other boy, wanted to hold him close, wanted to feel every inch of him, wanted to taste every part. Instead he just pulled him into a hug. He needed a hug. Tyler hugged back, and Josh could feel the other boys nose tucked into his neck. He took a deep breath, memorizing the feeling. It felt right. 

Tyler was the one to pull away. He smiled and took a deep breath. "I uh.. I gotta meet up with Jenna..." he said, "We've got a date tonight..." He lingered, and Josh wanted nothing more to kiss him until he forgot all about Jenna. 

Instead he let go with a soft, "Wear a condom," and a wink. He had a feeling they hadn't actually done anything yet, but Tyler's eye roll made the comment worth it. He stayed there at the top of the attic stairs as Tyler left. He heard the door shut, and heard Tyler's car start. But he just stayed there. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 18: 2093 Words
> 
> Do you think Tyler will ever figure out how Josh feels? Will he stick with Dr. Wentz? Could anything else possibly go wrong? 
> 
> ~ Will


	19. 15 Weeks

**December 2**

Josh sat across from Dr. Wentz. It was weird to be back in the chair. The week before they'd talked through a lot of what Josh was going through at school and Josh really didn't want to talk about that this week. He wanted to talk about something else.

"Am I bad person for wanting to get rid of it?" he asked, suddenly breaking the silence as Dr. Wentz shuffled his papers. The doctor looked up clearly confused by the sudden question, "I mean... I didn't want to put it up for adoption at first. I wanted to just... Get rid of it. Was on the table and ready to go when I changed my mind..." He chewed his lip, looking at the floor.

"What made you change your mind?" Dr. Wentz asked, "Anything specifically?"

"Heartbeat..." Josh said, "The nurse accidentally left the volume on. Sometimes I wonder if it was really an accident. But... As soon as I heard it, I just couldn't do it. I..." he sighed, "I couldn't kill it. I really wanted to. I wanted it to just be over, but... I couldn't do it. Does that mean I'm weak?"

"No," Dr. Wentz said, jotting some notes down on his clipboard, "You are not weak. You are strong. You are so strong that you decided to endure something incredibly difficult rather than end it when you could. You are a good person to. Without someone like you, my husband and I never would've had a chance at a family." He smiled, "Do you ever regret your decision to carry to term?"

Josh chewed his lip, mulling the question over, trying to decide. "I mean... sometimes... I know that people think I'm not good, because I don't want to keep them... And Tyler says I should ignore them. So does Debby... But it gets so hard. It hurts so much sometimes." He took a deep breath, swallowing slightly. "Can I ask a question about you?"

Dr. Wentz nodded, scribbling something on his clipboard. "Yes," he said, "What would you like to know?" He smiled. Josh liked his smile, it was a sincere one.

"Well... How old is your kid?" he swallowed softly, "Um... You said you and your husband adopted... And I guess... I'm curious."

"Yes!" Dr. Wentz smiled, "He turned six just a couple weeks ago. And I love him so so much. Whoever your child ends up with, they're gonna love him or her just as much as I love my son. I know that."

Josh smiled softly. "Thanks... That actually really helps." He pressed a hand to his stomach. "Sometimes I wonder if I should keep them. But then I remember that I'm not ready. And... I dunno. I'm scared they'll look like... him..." He took a deep breath, "And I'm scared that I won't be able to let that go." He chewed his lip, scanning the carpet, "I want them to go to someone who will love them unconditionally."

"They will," Dr. Wentz said, "I know they will."

**December 4**

Monday was strange. Josh woke up feeling really strange. Like something in the universe had shifted and everything was really getting better. He smiled as he got ready, having been feeling quite a bit more energetic since his morning sickness had passed. It definitely helped that snow began to fall as he climbed into his car.

He smiled as he drove to school. The sight of Tyler and Jenna didn't make his heart sink like it usually did. He walked over to them, striking up an easy conversation about nothing in particular. It was relaxed, the sort of day where absolutely nothing could go wrong. Soon their other friends joined them, and Josh realized he hadn't really talked to Sarah, Hayley, or Brendon much. He'd been isolating again.

Everything just felt good. All his problems weren't really problems and things were looking up. The weather was getting colder, and Christmas was in the air, breathing in the festivities that would begin in only a few weeks. They were all talking about it. Everything they had planned for holiday break and whatnot. Everybody seemed to have some sort of plan.

"Yeah!" Tyler was saying, his arm around Jenna's waist, "We've already got some ideas for like... Christmassy dates. So it should be interesting."

"Really?" Sarah asked, "Brendon, why aren't you taking me on any Christmassy dates?" She turned to her boyfriend, smirking jokingly.

Brendon cleared his throat dramatically, "Well... The thing is... I'm broke," he said, making them all laugh.

"What about you Josh?" someone, Ashley or Hayley probably, asked, "Do you have any plans?"

He chewed his lip, "Uh... aside for doctors appointments, no..." he admitted, "I mean.. I might get my therapist a gift or something. And uh.. I've got an ultrasound coming up to learn the gender of the bean."

Jaws dropped. "Already?" Brendon asked, "Like... You're gonna know if it's a boy or girl?"

Josh nodded. "Well... Sort of. I'm not gonna know, but the doctors gonna send the documents to the adoption agency so they'll know." He shrugged.

"You better get like, a thousand copies of the ultrasound photos for us!" Ashley said, "I think we all wanna know what sort of alien is in there." She reached out, rubbing his belly. It was obviously there now, and he had finally caved and gotten some maternity pants.

He rolled his eyes and lifted his shirt so she could really feel. He could feel Tyler's eyes on him. He wished he knew what the other boy was thinking. "Yeah. I kinda wanna see it too. I haven't really seen it since I had the scare."

"Scare?" that was Tyler. He realized he hadn't told them what had happened.

"Uh... A few weeks ago..." he said, pushing Ashley's hand away, "Some things happened and... I uh... I ended up in the hospital because I thought I was losing it..." He frowned, "And the doctor did an ultrasound but I was too out of it to even think of getting photos. He just said to take it easy and not stress but..." He shrugged, "Anyways.. The bean is just as healthy and I'll be sure to get you guys photos on the twenty-eighth."

They were all quiet for a long moment. "Dude..." he wasn't exactly sure who said it, but he shrugged it off.

"Don't worry," he assured them, "It's fine. So Ty, what does Christmassy date even mean?" He smiled. They all seemed to decide that it would be best to follow his lead and change the subject and went with it.

**December 6**

Sleeping was starting to get annoying, and Josh wasn't even half way through the whole pregnancy thing. He still had nightmares, but that was mostly when he could even get to sleep. Due to the bump, he couldn't lay on his stomach without feeling like there was a lump beneath him, and he couldn't lay on his back without feeling like there was something on his stomach, making it difficult to breath. He knew that this was only going to get worse with time, and that was the scariest thing he had to face. 

Despite the struggle, he still felt the need to stay curled up in bed for at least half an hour after his alarm went off, debating whether or not school was really worth it. On one hand, he knew he was gonna be a failure for the rest of his life, on the other, he didn't want to go. His mom made him go anyways. 

He climbed out of bed, a worried feeling in the pit of his gut. He was always nervous. Soon he'd really be showing. Soon he'd be getting stares when he walked down the street, not just when he walked through the halls, but he got dressed anyways. Life sucked, but he would make it through. He could do this. T-shirt, sweatshirt, pregnancy pants, brush through his hair. It needed color and a cut. 

He wanted to do blue next, or maybe purple. Anything but green. The color green still made him incredibly nauseous, and he was supposed to be over the morning sickness. He grabbed a beanie. It was cold out. He'd need to cover up. 

One last look in the mirror and he was headed downstairs, sending Tyler a text to see if he wanted a ride, eating his breakfast (a fruit smoothie because his mom thought he needed to eat healthier) while waiting for a reply. It was so strange how some days were too much, and others were so normal. Today felt normal. If it wasn't for the bump, he would feel like nothing had ever changed. But it had. And it would never go back to the way it was before.

He sighed, rinsing his cup and leaving it in the sink as revenge for his lack of overly sugared cereals. His phone buzzed as Tyler texted that he was on his way over, and Josh took a deep breath. So far the week had been almost completely uneventful and he hoped it stayed that way. 

**December 8**

Friday. Josh stared at the clock on the wall, willing it to tick faster. It was only fourth period, but he hadn't slept well and just wanted to go home and take a nap. He was sure he could get excused by the nurse, but it would be easier to just wait it out. The teachers voice had blurred out a long time ago, and the whiteboard looked more like gibberish than anything he could actually take notes on. 

He sighed, laying his head on his desk, glad that he sat in the back of the class so that no one would bother him. His stomach felt all weird, and he figured it was just one of the nastier side affects of being knocked up. Like stretch marks. The sound in the room seemed to fade as he thought about how he was gonna be a freaking zebra by the time the kid arrived. Then the lights began to fade. And his thoughts suddenly became dim until they slipped away all together. 

_His face was pressed into something and his arm was pinned down. "No..." he tried to say, but the word was only silence. He felt a hand in his hair, then lips on his neck. "No.." he tried again, but his body wouldn't listen. It wouldn't respond to his pleas to make it stop. He didn't want it. He felt the hands slide under his shirt and he knew what came next, he knew what they were going to do to him. "Stop... Please..." There was almost a sound that time, though it was more of a soft whine. A hand rested on his shoulder, "No.. Don't..." The grip on his shoulder tightened. "Stop. No." he insisted, "Don't. Please." The grip shook him. One of the hands was in his pants and now there were tears running down his cheeks._

_"Josh," this was a new voice. The usual one only called him cruel things. This one said his name, "Josh wake up!" He knew this one actually. It was all to too familiar._ "Josh!" 

He snapped awake, sitting bolt upright and looking around. Every eye in the room was on him. To his left, Tyler stepping away with his hands raised in a way that made him look like he was trying to be as non-threatening as possible. "You were having a nightmare," he said, "I just... I wanted to wake you up..." 

Josh looked at everyone else. Then he stood and left, the ghost hands still on his body, the phantom of the man still pressed against his back. He didn't care which class he had been in or what he was missing, he needed to get out. 

He ended up on the front steps, wiping his cheeks and nose on the sleeve of his jacket and wondering why the hell he couldn't just be left alone. He heard footsteps and turned, seeing Tyler walking over with his backpack. 

"You forgot this," he said, "I just thought that I'd bring it over for you." 

Josh nodded, not trusting himself to say anything. 

"Was it about..." Tyler trailed off, not wanting to push it. 

Josh nodded again. "Yeah..." he said, his voice raspy, "I just... Why me Ty? Why the fuck did those assholes... Why did they target me? Was it random? Or... Were they stalking me? Why did they leave the video? Where is the video? Is it on PornHub? Am I a star without knowing it?" He choked, "Why can't it all just go the fuck away?" 

Tyler didn't know how to answer that. He didn't know there even was a video. He wrapped an arm around Josh and pulled him close, letting his best friend get snot on his shirt as he cried. "I don't know..." He said honestly, "I'm sorry but, I don't know." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 19: 2166 Words
> 
> How long will the monotony last? 
> 
> Will the bad guys be back? Do they know that the video went to the police?
> 
> WILL TWENTY ONE PILOTS CUT THE CRYPTIC SHIT AND FINALLY RELEASE MORE THAN HALF A PHRASE FOR US??????
> 
> Guess which bitch is also back. I just really want to thank @-Miss_Believer- on Wattpad because, you're comment made my day. I honestly wasn't sure if anyone was still interested in this story since I haven't worked on it in a long time, but you're simple comment actually helped me gain the willpower to finish this chapter. Hopefully I can keep it up for everyone. 
> 
> ~ Will


	20. 16 Weeks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> HUGE TRIGGER WARNINGS  
> Rape, Nonconsensual video, Panic Attacks, Sickness, Despacito

**December 9**

The pregnancy group was celebrating its newest arrival. Sunny had finally had her baby boy, Jamie. He was a cute little thing with a poof of red hair and blue eyes. Luckily he seemed rather sleepy, so he wasn't screaming the whole time like Juliet was prone to doing. So there was cake and smiles and music. Less informing and more simple support. Josh even got Debby up and dancing for a few minutes before she mentioned that her feet were killing her. 

He understood the pain. They all did. That's why he loved the group. They also decided to do a Secret Santa since the next meeting would be the last one before they paused for the holidays. They put all their names in Josh's beanie because it hadn't actually been a planned event, and then pulled them. 

Judith. Josh didn't really know her that well, but he knew that she liked sugary sweet things and some anime called Ouran High School Host Club. He smiled, it wouldn't be too hard to find something for her. He wondered who might've gotten him. 

As the evening was beginning to wind down, and Josh grabbed his bag, Sunny approached him. "Hey..." she said, "Um... I already talked to Mark but... Uh.. I could use some advice." 

Josh tilted his head to the side, "Yeah?" he asked, turning to face her, not sure what sort of advice she could be looking for, "Whadaya need?" 

"Well... When Jamie was born I asked them to check and see if he was a Carrier because... well... I know you and Mark and I wanted to be sure. And he is. What should I do? I just-" 

"Don't worry about it," Josh said, "Just... Don't treat your son any different. Let him grow up and be kid. It's like panicking because you find out someone's gay. They're still them. Let them be them. When it comes time for The Talk or whatever, then let him know. If he tells you he's gay, then tell him to wear protection. Just... Don't make it a big deal. It's normal." He swung his pack onto his shoulders, "So who'd you get for Secret Santa?"

She nodded. "Thanks, and we aren't allowed to say Josh. You said that yourself. It's a secret." 

He laughed, "Was it worth a shot?" 

She shook her head and Jamie began to fuss. She gently bounced him to settle him and he quieted quickly. "Y'know.. You can hold him if you'd like," she said. 

"Are-" Josh didn't finish the question before the baby boy was in his arms with Sunny helping him adjust so that he didn't injure him. "Oh..." was all he could say as Jamie gazed up at him with big blue eyes, "Okay... Uh... hi there.." He swallowed and something inside him shifted. He couldn't exactly say what it was that changed, but something did. His stomach seemed to flutter. "Hello Jamie," he didn't talk in a baby voice, instead just talked, "How are yah little buddy? Did you enjoy your party?" He could feel Sunny's smile, and knew that Debby and Mark were probably wondering what he was doing. "You've got a beautiful mom," he said, "She's gonna raise you up right okay buddy?" He smiled as the baby smiled back, making a soft gurgling noise at him and he felt that fluttering feeling in his stomach all over again. 

**December 11**

**Unknown Number:** https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R9yNWbetJVU

Josh woke up to the buzz of his phone. He rolled over, expecting it to be Tyler or one of his friends. Not something that would destroy his life. But it was a Monday, so life destruction was to be expected. Before he could even open the link, his stomach dropping into the void, his phone buzzed again. 

 **Ty Guy:**  DON'T CLICK THE LINK

 **BRENDONI:** Josh whatever you do don't click the link

 **Debby Jilinski:** DON'T FOLLOW THE LINK

His heart stopped. They'd all gotten the same text that he had. He looked at the first text. The link. He swallowed. 

 **ash a matash:**  JOSH DON'T WATCH THE VIDEO

He knew what the link led to. He knew what it was. He choked, his finger hovering over it. Who else had the link? How many people knew? He heard something. His brother. It was like... It was like someone had opened a link with the volume on. He was going to be sick. 

He sprinted to the bathroom, pushing past his sister and losing everything he had into the toilet. He choked on a sound somewhere between a scream and a sob and a cry of pain. His phone buzzed again. Then again. Then again as everyone messaged and called, trying to figure out what was going on. 

He knew what it was. He'd given the video to the police, and they'd found out. And now everyone could see it. He felt tears on his cheeks and the bile rising in his throat again. It couldn't be happening, none of this could possibly be happening. 

The damn person who'd fucked him up so bad still had a hold of him. They were still in control. They had his fucking body and they were holding it against him. He pushed himself into the corner of the bathroom, curling up in a tight ball and screaming. There was knocking on the door, the knob rattling as someone opened it, but Josh was blind to faces. He curled in tighter, trying to protect himself and his baby as he sobbed. 

He just wanted his body back. Every time he thought he had a handle on things the universe threw him through another loop. And now here he was. There was a hand combing through his hair and someone shushing him, trying to comfort him. He tried to fight them and push them away. He didn't want to be touched. He didn't want anyone to touch him ever again. He just wanted to get away from it all. He needed it all to go away. 

**December 12**

Josh sat in Dr. Wentz's office. He had been crying for most of the session, and Dr. Wentz hadn't even tried to stop him. It was an emergency meeting after all. There was a reason Josh was here and not in school. Neither of them actually knew the extent of the damage, but it was bad. It was very bad.

The day before had earned Josh's mom several calls from the school, the police, and all of Josh's friends. Detective Santiago was assuring her that they were trying to track the cell phone number, but it had been prepaid with cash which made things incredibly difficult. 

"Why me?" Josh asked Dr. Wentz, "Why can't they just leave me the fuck alone. I'm already knocked up. My heads all fucked up. My everything is ruined because of them!" He took a shaky breath, "Everyone knows that I was raped. Everyone. Even my mom got-" He choked on another sob, unable to believe that they'd sent the link to his mom. Sure, he was an ass sometimes, but she didn't deserve to see that. 

He took a deep breath, trying to continue without sobbing. "I have panic attacks, and nightmares, and all this shit because of those bastards. After this kid is born, I'm probably gonna end up on medication for who the hell knows what. I want them dead and gone. My baby deserves better than those assholes. I want them fucking dead." 

Dr. Wentz took a deep breath, unsure where to start. Josh knew that he was probably gonna tell him that he didn't really want his rapists dead. But he was surprised when Dr. Wentz instead said, "So do you believe that the video being released is the worst thing they could've done?" 

Josh took a deep breath. "I dunno. Brains that fucked could probably come up with worse... But... It's the worst that I can think of." He swallowed. 

"So you win. They did their worst, and you're still standing," Dr. Wentz looked up from his clipboard, "Joshua, there are a lot of bad things happening to you. I haven't known you very long, but I can tell that no matter what hits you, you get back up again. That takes an incredible amount of strength. It's good that you took this week off of school to recover. But when you go back, you need to be prepared. Things will get worse before they get better." 

Josh swallowed. "All my friends saw it," he said, "Even the group I go to. Everyone in the school from what I heard. They all fucking saw that happen to me." 

Dr. Wentz nodded. "I can't promise perfection, but remember Josh, things will get better. They'll move on from this to something else and soon no one will even think about it. As they move on, so will you. It can only get better from here." 

Josh nodded. His hand rested on his stomach as he thought about it. There was only one way left to go and that was up. "Do you think I should do online classes?" he asked. 

"I think you should try going back first," Dr. Wentz answered, "Pulling out of school could cause serious isolation issues, but if that's what you believe is best, then I'll gladly aid in the process." 

**December 15**

"Yeah..." Tyler sighed, "I'm not gonna lie Josh... Pretty much everyone has seen it. I know it's been taken down, but... It went around fast." 

They were sitting in Josh's room. It had been a week. Five days and there were already rumors everywhere. Some were saying that the video was faked, others were saying that there was no way it wasn't real. Josh didn't really care about the rumors though. All he cared about was the way everyone was going to stare when he got back. 

Brendon sat on a beanbag chair with Sarah in his lap, Debby was kicked back on the bed, Tyler and Jenna were at the window, and Hayley and Ashley were on the floor. Josh sat against the wall, his legs tangled with Debby's. "Did all of you see it?" he asked, looking around the room at them. 

"I did..." Brendon admitted, "but not the full thing. Once I realized what it was I backed out and texted you." 

"He also spent about fifteen minutes with his head in the toilet," Sarah said, "I was beginning to worry that he might also be knocked up." 

"Some kid at school keeps asking if Bren and I are the two guys..." Tyler said, "They keep insisting it is. Got us pulled to the principals and everything because the rumors got so bad." Josh noted the way that Jenna hugged him a little tighter as he spoke, seeming to protect him from the bad. 

"Did you-" Hayley began to ask, but Josh cut her off with a quick head shake. 

"No," he said, "But I know Jordan and both my sisters saw at least part of it. None of them can look me in the eye right now." He took a deep breath. "Just as things were finally feeling fucking normal." 

They all nodded with him. Shit had really hit the fan hard. 

"So now what?" Hayley asked, "What happens with us?" 

They all looked at each other, none of them really sure what to say about it. Until Josh cleared his throat. "Well... Uh... If any of you need a therapist, I can recommend mine. Dr. Pete Wentz. He's a really good guy and well... He knows about the situation so it might help. Especially with the rumors getting so bad. You'll definitely be wanting to talk to someone." 

Debby nodded, "Um... I see Dr. Thorne. She's pretty good too if you need someone." 

They all nodded, murmuring about how they would try to look into it. "Uh... Dr. Wentz, when I told him what happened, he told me that if this is the worst these fuckers can do, then they really can't do anything else. They having nothing left to manipulate with." He smiled, "And I guess that means it can only get better from here, y'know?" 

Tyler smiled, reaching over to squeeze Josh's hand, making Josh's stomach flutter like it had been for a few days. "Yeah. It'll get better." 

Josh smiled at him, then the others, and they all smiled back. Things were definitely gonna be shit when he got back to school, but at least he had the greatest friends in the world, and they would all help each other through it.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 20: 2104 words
> 
> Will the strangers give up, or will they escalate? 
> 
> What's Josh gonna get from his Secret Santa? 
> 
> Will the group be able to survive the rest of the school year? 
> 
> Are you gonna murder me for that link? 
> 
> \- Will


	21. 17 Weeks

**December 16**

It had been almost impossible to convince Josh to go to group, but Debby and Mark won him over in the end. He sat in the back of the car, not sure how he was even going to show his face since several of the group members had admitted to seeing the video, but he was sure all of them had at least gotten the link. 

"Can I throw up?" he asked as they pulled into the churches parking lot, "I really think I'm gonna throw up." 

"Just as long as it's not in the car," Debby said, "Did you bring your Secret Santa gift?"

He nodded. He'd gotten Judith's gift right after the last meeting so that he wouldn't forget to. It was nothing too exciting, just some Sour Patch Kids and a notebook with the Ouran High School Host Club logo on it. Nothing too exciting; just nerdy, cute, and under twenty dollars. He'd packed it into a bag since he was too lazy to actually wrap it, and with the weeks trauma, he'd also been far too distracted. 

As expected, the group went silent as he walked in with Debby and Mark. He pushed the gift bag into Debby's hands and walked back out. "Gonna go throw up," he murmured. He still hated being sick, but his anxiety was through the roof and he needed to get rid of it somehow. 

When he was finished, he stepped out of the stall and almost jumped out of his skin at the sight of Maggie in the bathroom. Despite being at thirty-six weeks and claiming to be ready to pop any day, she was still beautifully slim with dark skin, caramel curls, and bright green eyes. She barely even had a bump. 

"Uh..." she said, "I just thought you should know..." She bit her lip, clearly more nervous than he was, "Thisbabyisn'tmyboyfriend's..." she managed, screwing her eyes shut and letting it all out in one word, "It's... Well.. Someone else's. He knows, because he knows like... everything... I didn't cheat... I-" 

"Was assaulted?" Josh asked, knowing what she was saying, "Mag... Why are you telling me this... You don't-" 

"But I do!" she said, "I'm lucky that I'm with someone who's willing to be a dad.. And... I want you to know that you're not alone. I know... Well... I don't... But-" 

"It's better than anyone else trying to understand," he said. He took a deep breath, "You're strong Mags. Stronger than me." He turned, rinsing his mouth in the sink. 

"But I'm not," she said, "Not even my parents know... You... You were outed. That's fucking difficult. Yet you're still here. Still going through with this. Showing them that you're stronger than their mind games." She smiled, and stepped over to him, setting a hand on his shoulder as she spoke, "If this happened to me, I wouldn't even be able to show my face, and you're doing even more than that. I just... I wanted you to know that you aren't alone. Now c'mon, we've got a Secret Santa party to attend."

Josh nodded, and together they walked back. His gift was a bottle of purple hair dye and new pair of drumsticks. He guessed it was from Debby without batting an eye, but was pleasantly surprised to discover it was from Tammy. 

**December 18**

There was two days left before break. Josh knew that it was possible that he could skip them, but he knew that would probably make rumors worse since he'd already missed a week of school. He sat in his car in the parking lot, not ready to face the roar. 

"C'mon man," Tyler said, "It'll be okay." 

"I should just go transfer to online," Josh said, "Not let anyone see my face ever again." 

"Nope," Tyler said, "Today will just be the worst of it. It'll only be worse the longer you put it off. I'll buy you spicy pickles if you come in." 

Josh looked at his friend, "Stop using my cravings against me," he said, "I'm just... Like... What if I have a panic attack or something? What happens then? What if they ask me things I can't answer?" 

"You don't have to answer anything," Tyler said, "You know Brendon, Ashley, and I will fight anyone who tries to mess with you." 

Josh nodded. "I still don't want to go in," he muttered, "I don't want them to look at me. You don't know what it's like. When everything goes silent and I just /know/ that they were talking about me. Or when people stare? And I can see the pity. They fucking pity me Ty..." He sighed, burying his face in his hands, "Fuck..." 

"So two jars of spicy pickles?" Tyler asked, trying to help Josh relax via humor. 

Josh just looked at him, clearly done with him. "Fine. But they have to be the big jars. And a pint of vanilla ice cream."

"What is your diet?" Tyler asked, looking utterly disgusted by Josh's dietary choices, "And deal." 

Josh shrugged at the question. "I'm pregnant," he said simply, "Now c'mon. I have pity to face." Before he could stop himself, he climbed out of the car and swung his backpack onto his shoulders. Tyler followed his lead. 

"C'mon man," he said, "I can see the others waiting for us."

"Two big jars of spicy pickles and a pint of vanilla ice cream?" Josh asked, anxiety not allowing him to take a step forward. 

"I promise man," Tyler said, "Now c'mon. We're gonna be late to class." 

Josh nodded again. He could see the others waiting by the front of the school, all chatting about what was probably nothing in particular. He knew it would be okay. In the end it would all be okay. He just needed to take a deep breath and face it. He took a step forward, and that made the next step easier. He could feel eyes on him, but he kept on walking. There was no point in turning back now. There was no point in showing them his weakness. 

**December 20**

Screaming into a pillow was fantastic. Absolutely fantastic. The first day of two weeks of break was also fantastic. It meant ignoring the entire world and trying not to think about the fact that he was definitely going to be showing by the time he got back to school. He actually already was, but he was able to hide it for the most part. He'd done his research though, and he knew that he would definitely be growing rapidly for the next few weeks and his baby would start looking less like a sea monkey, and more like a human. 

His phone rang and he rolled over to answer. "Hello!" said a bright and vaguely familiar voice, "Is Joshua Dun there?" 

"You're speaking to him," he said groggily, "Wassup?" 

"This is Ms. Bainbridge from the adoption agency," the voice continued, and suddenly Josh was very much awake, sure that the video had been sent to her as well, and that she was calling to let him know they would no longer be taking his case. He was so sure of it that he felt tears welling up in his eyes. 

"Oh..." he said, "Why're you calling?" 

"I just thought you should know that we have files from several families who are looking to adopt," she said, "They are all here at the agency for you to look through when you get the chance. If you'd like to, then you could even look through them before Christmas, as long as you're here before the twenty-third." 

He swallowed, "So... You're not dropping my case?" he asked, unable to believe what he was hearing, "You're keeping me?" 

"Why would we be dropping your case?" she asked, clearly confused as to why he would even ask, "Are you doing things that could harm the baby?" 

"No... Just some things happened recently... I thought..." He took a deep breath, "A bad video got out... And... I thought you saw it too and you were gonna drop my case..." He choked, "It wasn't like... Me doing drugs or anything. I would never purposely harm this kid. I may not like them but they don't deserve that." 

"Okay... Mr. Dun, is this video something that the agency should look into?" she asked. 

He shook his head. Then remembered he was on the phone. "No. It's... graphic. About things that happened that night... When... the baby happened..." 

She seemed to understand. "I'm so sorry," she said, "Don't worry Mr. Dun. That video will not affect the way we work with you in any way. So would you like to come see the files for the families soon?" 

"Yeah..." he said, "I'll be there later today if possible. And uh... I get my next ultrasound on the twenty ninth. So... You can know the gender then." He swallowed, knowing he was definitely going to be raiding the kitchen after this conversation. He wanted some comfort food. 

"That sounds fantastic Mr. Dun!" she said, "We'll be seeing you soon." 

"Yeah..." he said, "I'll see you soon." 

**December 22**

"So all these people want your baby?" Tyler asked, flicking through one of the files. It had a picture of a very suburban looking white couple on it. They were standing in front of a beautiful house with a white picket fence and had a golden retriever by their side. The photo was clearly professionally taken. 

"I guess," Josh said, flipping through another file, this one with a very Ellen and Portia looking couple on it, "It's kinda crazy how many couples want kids..." 

"Yeah..." Jenna muttered, her file had a picture of two very upper class men on it, "And all of them look so freaking fake... Are you really gonna choose a blue eyed, blonde haired suburban, "delicious quinoa Susan" couple?"

"Probably..." Josh muttered, "I guess we're just stuck with what we've got." He dropped the file he was flicking through, "Just whoever adopts my kid cannot be horse people. I'm not gonna let my kid grow up with horse people. Like... I want musical people. They deserve art and color and music in their life. People who care about more than grades and stuff." 

"Like these-"

"Mr. and Dr. Wentz," Debby said suddenly, "Josh.. Isn't that your therapist?" 

"Wait what?" Josh asked, snatching the file away from her. Sure enough, right on the cover was a picture of Dr. Wentz with a man that Josh recognized from the photos in his therapists office. He flicked it open and saw a picture of them on the day that they had adopted their first son. He swallowed, turning the page. Dr. Wentz holding the baby boy, his husband singing while a one year old played a toy guitar. 

'Pete and Patrick Wentz have been together since 2001 and already have a six year old son named Bronx. They say that they've made the decision to adopt again because they want their family to grow bigger and so that they can start a family band. Pete works in trauma therapy while Patrick is a stay at home dad and musician.'

Josh read through the blurb twice. Then a third time. "Do you think I'd have to get a new therapist?" he asked, "Because... I really like Dr. Wentz... I don't want to have to start shopping all over again..." 

"Wait... You want your therapist to raise the bean?" Tyler asked, "Are you sure that's a good idea Josh? What if you can't do that for legal reasons or something?" 

"Because, look at these pictures," Josh said, finding one of Dr. Wentz teaching Bronx guitar. It was clearly taken unexpectedly, and he could feel the love radiating from the photo, not only from the subjects, but also from the photographer, "It's real. It's not like all these staged ones. It's not like they went and threw money at a photographer." 

He flipped the page and found Bronx's school photo. "They deserve a big brother, and dads who love them..." he murmured, "This is the family I want for them." He swallowed, "I'm gonna call the agency as soon as I can. I want this for them all." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 21: 2041 words
> 
> Do you think Dr. Wentz was a good choice? 
> 
> Will Josh be able to go through with this adoption?
> 
> What might Christmas bring?
> 
> Will Twenty Øne Piløts PLEASE release actual music instead of this cryptic bullshit?
> 
> \- Will


	22. 18 Weeks

**December 24**

It was the annual Christmas Eve party for the friends. It had been a tradition as long as they could remember. Usually this meant everyone would be incredibly drunk as they unwrapped all the presents, but this year, there was less beer. Instead, Brendon got cheap champagne of all drinks, saying that they should be classy since next year they'd all be college alcoholics

They all hung out in the basement, a cheap plastic tree in the corner with tinsel and presents beneath it. Debby and Mark were there, and some others that Josh didn't really know. Everyone invited extra people and now they were all just hanging out and chatting. It was very low key, with an air of everyone knowing it would be their last Christmas together as high schoolers. 

"Remember that year when-" was a common phrase of the night, and usually followed by stories that had been told a thousand or more times. But no one really cared, they all just laughed and told more stories. Josh had to deal with plenty of hands on his stomach, since most people were more comfortable asking him rather than anyone else. What was strange was how every touch made him feel that fluttering sensation in his lower belly. He figured it was anxiety or something and ignored it though. 

After presents had been opened, he stood, needing to get some air. There was snow on the ground outside, so he just stood in the doorway and breathed in the cold. There was footsteps behind him and he turned to see Tyler. It was strange, they rarely had time to themselves anymore, usually Jenna was also there. 

"Hey..." Tyler said, "You disappeared.. Are you okay?" He smiled softly at his best friend. 

"Am I ever anymore?" Josh asked, glancing over at him, "Seems I'm in a constant state of falling apart these days." He smiled to himself. 

"Remember last years Christmas?" Tyler asked. 

Josh nodded. "How could I forget? That mistletoe was the only reason you kissed me.." He sighed, "Ty... Can I tell you something?" 

Tyler nodded slowly, "What's up?" He asked, leaning his head against Josh's shoulder. Josh knew Tyler had a few drinks in him. He wasn't drunk, but definitely tipsy. 

"I just... I hope you're happy," Josh said, not saying what he wanted to say. Not telling Tyler how much he missed him or how badly he always wanted to kiss him, "With Jenna. You two are really cute together and I'm glad you found her." He didn't say how jealous he was or how much it hurt to see them together. He wanted Tyler to be happy. And he could never be happy with him.

"Aww," Tyler smiled, "Thanks man!" He looked up at Josh, "That really means a lot. And like.. She means so much to me. I'm glad you like her." 

Josh nodded, "Of course. Who wouldn't like her?" He swallowed, "We should probably get back to the party... Before more rumors start... Y'know?" He laughed, trying to make a joke, but really just feeling wrong. 

Tyler laughed, patting Josh on the back. "Alright man, I'll see you down there." 

Josh nodded. Taking another moment to himself before following Tyler to the basement. 

**December 25**

Christmas with his family was difficult. They really hadn't been talking since the video got released, and it didn't help that Josh spent most of his time hiding in his room, not wanting to force them to see him. It was amazing how quickly his friends had moved on, but his siblings were still stuck in a bad place about the whole thing. And he could tell how badly it had hurt his mom to see it. 

He sat in the living room while everyone systematically avoided eye contact with him and tried to make jokes that either fell flat or just made someone else laugh slightly too loud. Josh opened his presents, finding more hair dye, some albums, some new t-shirts, and a beanie. He tried to stay civil and thank everyone for their gifts, but the entire room was so tense that it was next to impossible.  

It didn't surprise anyone when his mom cracked open a bottle of champagne at ten AM, pouring them all (except for Josh) a glass and then taking a swig straight from the bottle before turning on Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.

He knew it wasn't his fault. He knew that he couldn't have prevented it. But Josh couldn't help but feel guilty for ruining Christmas. He just felt like he could've done something. If he hadn't let that tape go to the police, if he hadn't met with Detective Santiago. If he'd just gotten rid of the baby. If he hadn't of gone to that party. He could've prevented it all. Then things would be normal. He wouldn't have to feel like a freak. He could still have Tyler. 

"I'm gonna go try on these shirts," he muttered, excusing himself as the movie ended and his mom turned on Elf, "Make sure they fit." 

He went upstairs, knowing full well that none of the shirts would fit until after the baby was born. He wanted to go sit on the roof and freeze to death in the snow. He wanted to just end it all. But he couldn't. Things would get better. Things would always get better. 

He could see Tyler's family, all laughing as they sat around the Christmas tree, and knew that his was probably discussing him in soft whispers right now. He knew his mom was probably telling off his siblings, letting them know that they should treat him like normal. But they weren't going to. He was their big brother and he was supposed to be strong. Abi, Ashley, and Jordan were supposed to be able to look up to him. But now all they could see was a victim to pity. 

He sighed. Maybe next year Christmas would be better. Maybe then they could be merry. 

**December 27**

"So did you hear Maggie had her kid?" Debby asked, eating a spoonful of ice cream as they watched their movie. Elf, since Josh hadn't watched it with his family. And he still loved the movie even if Christmas was over.  He grabbed a handful of popcorn. 

"Yeah, I saw the picture on Instagram," he said, "And oh my god that kid is flippin cute." 

"It helps that she's drop dead gorgeous," Debby said, "Little Zaiden just has perfect genetics all lined up." The popcorn bowl was resting on her stomach, but she didn't mind. "Do you know who's supposed to have one next?" 

"Kaylie or Mark,"  Josh said, "But they've still got a ways to go..." He trailed off. It was incredible how close he'd gotten with everyone in the group. When he'd first started, he hadn't even wanted to look at any of them, and now he was always texting them or finding reasons to hang out. It wasn't that he hated his current friends, he just felt like the people at the group got it. They understood what he was going through and wanted to help him be better. They were healthy. 

"Yeah, she's at..." 

"Thirty," he said, "And he's at twenty-eight." He chewed his lip. He was at eighteen. Soon he'd be halfway through, "And he invited me to be there with him. I think he's scared." Josh knew he was scared. He'd never really thought about it, but he was fucking terrified. There was a baby inside him, and it needed to come out somehow. 

"Well I am too," Debby said, "We all are. Kids are terrifying. And... Most of us are still kids. Judith is only sixteen and Nevara is oldest at nineteen. We're all just kids trying to act like we're not scared." 

Josh nodded. "I'm gonna be there for him. He's going natural, so... It's gonna be awful, but I want to be there to meet Theo." 

"You're gonna be there for me... Right?" Debby asked, looking up at him, "I chose not to find out the gender. I don't want to know." 

He nodded and pressed a kiss to her forehead. "Of course I'll be there for you," he said, "I promise. I'm not gonna leave you on your own." He smiled, "I love you." 

She smiled right back. "I love you too yah teddy bear." 

He rolled his eyes and took another handful of popcorn. "When I have mine I want Tyler to be there. I want you and Tyler. You two mean the world to me and... I want to have you both there." He knew he wanted Tyler there, because the baby was supposed to be Tyler's. It should've been Tyler's. If it had been Tyler's, Josh wouldn't have hesitated to keep it. But it wasn't. 

He rubbed his stomach as Debby leaned her head against his shoulder. And there was the fluttering again. He didn't know what it might be, but he loved it more than he knew. 

**December 29**

Josh sat in the doctors office with his mom by his side. It was time for his ultrasound. It was just him and his mom though, he hadn't invited any of his friends along. He didn't want to hear them oohing and aahing over a grainy picture of a bean. He filled out the paperwork, not really paying attention to what his mom was saying. He really just wanted to get this over with so that he wouldn't have to deal with it anymore. 

"Joshua Dun?" called a nurse, and he stood, following her with his mom on his heels. They did the usual this for his appointment, checking his weight and getting a measurement of his stomach, which honestly felt quite odd. Then he was laid back on a bed while the nurse prodded his stomach, checking who the hell knew what. 

"And today's your eighteen week ultrasound?" she asked as she began to set up the familiar machine, booting it up and typing in the info. 

He nodded. "Yup. Gonna be seeing the bean today." He was tired of people being excited about his mistake. 

"Are you hoping for a boy or a girl?" the nurse asked, trying to make pleasant conversation. 

"I'm hoping that the parents don't care," Josh said, "The baby is currently up for adoption, though I have picked out some prospective parents." He swallowed, "And... I think they'll love whoever this kid turns out being." 

"Oh..." The tech said, spreading the space goop over his skin, "Well, are you going to find out the gender for them?" She took the wand, pressing it to his stomach and making him shiver. 

"No... I don't want to know," he said, able to feel his mom's hand in his, "I don't want to get attached... But could you write it down for the agency, just in case they want to know?" 

The nurse nodded, running the wand over his stomach. Suddenly a picture filled the screen and Josh's heart stopped. He had seen all the ultrasounds from the others in the group, yet he still hadn't expected the kid to look so incredibly human. It had a head and arms and legs. "Look there!" the nurse said, pointing to the screen, "One and two legs..." Josh watched her hand move. He could hear the baby's heart beating. "Can... I get pictures?" he asked, "F-for the parents?" He swallowed, and his mom squeezed his hand. 

"Of course," the tech said, snapping some pictures for him, and sending them to print, "Now I've just gotta take some measurements and check to make sure that everything is growing like it should be." 

He nodded and sat back, watching the baby move and getting that fluttering feeling all over again. That was his baby. Well... Not his... He had to remember that. It wasn't his baby. It was for the adoptive parents. It wasn't his. It was for Dr. Wentz and his family. They deserved it. 

He took a deep breath as the tech turned the machine off and passed him some tissues to clean the space goo off. This kid was going to go to a loving family. A much better life than he'd ever be able to give them. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 22: 2048 words
> 
> Will Josh ever be able to tell Tyler how he feels? 
> 
> When will Josh's siblings treat him like a human again?
> 
> Will Dr. Wentz cry when he finds out Josh's baby is the one he's adopting? 
> 
> And what's with my sudden drive to write???
> 
> \- Will


	23. 19 Weeks

**December 30**

Josh wouldn't deny that he was nervous. He'd contacted the agency, wanting to tell Dr. Wentz himself, so now he was sitting in the waiting room, chewing his lip as he waited for his therapist. His stomach twisted in knots whenever someone walked through the day, and he was honestly on the verge of throwing up when Dr. Wentz finally opened the door with a smile. 

"Hello Josh!" he said brightly, "How are you feeling this week?" 

Josh grabbed his things, following Dr. Wentz to his room. "Better than I thought I would be feeling," he said as he took his seat, "And I actually have some fantastic news!" He was shaking, all the nervous energy bubbling up and making it difficult for him to sit still, "Uh... Like.. so the agency called me, and I finally got to pick a family for the bean."

"That's definitely good," Dr. Wentz said, smiling and nodding, "Have you met them yet?" 

"Well... I've met one of them," Josh said, "It's two dads, and they have a kid already. But one is a musician which was a big thing for me. And the other is a doctor so I know they'll be able to afford everything that comes with a baby." He shrugged, "I've only met the doctor." 

Dr. Wentz nodded, looking confused and clearly not catching on. "So you definitely think they're the right choice," He picked up his coffee, taking a long sip. 

"Well of course you are," Josh said, smiling right at the other.

Dr. Wentz choked, coughing up his coffee onto his shirt. "Fuck..." he looked down at his shirt, reaching out to grab some tissues, "Josh, are you serious?" he asked, "This is a very big de-"

"I brought pictures!" Josh said, cutting him off, "I had an ultrasound yesterday, and I want you to see." He dug into his bag, searching for the photos. 

"Josh are you sure you've thought this through?" Dr. Wentz asked, "This is a huge decision..." He clearly couldn't believe what was happening, what Josh was telling him.

"Here," Josh pressed the ultrasound photo into Dr. Wentz's hand, "Turns out we're using the same agency. And... Well... I've already called them to let them know. I want you and your husband to adopt my baby. And yes I've thought this through. I've been thinking for two weeks now. You know my history, so you know what problems this kid could face. You know... about him... but I know you won't care. I want you to have this baby." 

"Josh..."

Josh looked at his therapist, noticing for the first time that he was crying. He swallowed, "I want you and your husband and your son to have my baby," he said, "I really do..." 

Dr. Wentz looked at the ultrasound again, wiping his cheeks. He hadn't been expecting this. He had no idea how to process it. Then he was hugging Josh, just hugging him. And Josh was hugging back. "Thank you..." he said, "Thank you so much..." 

"Of course," Josh said softly, "I can't think of anyone better." 

**December 31**

It was back to the basement for New Years. Josh sipped his soda, watching as everyone chatted and drank, the New York celebration playing on TV. He'd been there for an hour, mostly making sure that no one got roofied or anything. There was music playing and some people were dancing, but it was rather low key. No grinding or gross stuff, just casual drunken swaying to the wrong beats. 

Debby and Mark and several of the other girls from group were there, but only the ones without kids. The others were taking sleep where they could get it from what Josh was hearing. There had been a couple of new people this week. A girl named Kassidy and a guy named Ryan. 

Ryan was actually at the party, and Josh knew exactly what he was going through. He didn't look like anything yet, but the other probably felt huge, like everyone could see. So Josh headed over. He smiled, striking up an easy conversation with the other about nothing in particular. Until an incredibly drunken Brendon decided to join them. 

"So..." he said, wrapping a way too touchy arm around Josh's shoulders, "You boys got anyone to kiss at midnight?" 

"Brendon, if you want a kiss then all you gotta do is ask," Josh replied, used to dealing with Brendon when he was like this. Ryan just blushed bright scarlet, not really sure how to respond to the other. 

Brendon rolled his eyes, "You got two minutes to find someone," he said, taking another swig of his drink, "No backing out. Everyone needs to kiss." 

Josh rolled his eyes right back as the other stumbled away. "Can you believe that guy?" he asked, rubbing his stomach tiredly, "He does this all the time." He glanced over at Tyler. This would be the first year they didn't kiss each other. Because Tyler had Jenna now. 

"Yeah," Ryan scratched the back of his neck awkwardly, "Kinda pushy isn't he..." 

"You have no idea," Josh joked, "Trust me, I've known him since forever."

Ryan nodded, "I mean... If you really wanna kiss someone then we can keep it platonic."

"Ten!" shouted the room. 

Josh looked at the other, debating it. It couldn't hurt. Tyler had Jenna, so what was holding him back from kissing someone else. 

"Nine!" 

"I guess..." he said, "I mean... Like.. Platonic, just friends. Like-"

"Eight!" 

"I get it Josh," Ryan said with a smile, "We're both knocked up and dealing with shit. No relationships right now." 

"Seven!" 

Josh nodded. "Yeah... Yeah! This is good. It'll be fine." He smiled, reaching out to cup Ryan's jaw and pull him closer. 

"Six!" 

Ryan laughed nervously, and Josh couldn't help but laugh with him. "This is awkward," one of them said. 

"FIVE!" 

"Who cares?" asked the other, "It's just a kiss!"

"FOUR!" 

Josh's thumb ran over Ryan's cheek and he took a breath. 

"THREE!" 

He wasn't sure who started leaning in first. 

"TWO!" 

He could see Tyler and Jenna, already kissing. His heart shattered. 

"ONE!"

**January 1**

Josh and Ryan were kissing among the cheers. Josh's eye's were closed, his hands on the other's shoulders while Ryan's hands rested on his waist. It wasn't aggressive, it was soft. And when they pulled apart they laughed. "Well," Josh said, "That was.." 

"Never to be spoken of again," Ryan said, laughing softly. 

Josh nodded. "Definitely. Never," he said, "That is never going to be thought of. Just... Delete it from your brain." 

Ryan laughed and Josh felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned and saw Tyler there. Anyone who didn't know the other would think he was Josh could see it. Tyler's grip was slightly too tight, his eyes hiding something undetectably wild. 

"Hey," Tyler said, "You gonna introduce me to your new friend?" There was venom clear in his voice, but Josh ignored it, not sure what he'd done wrong.

"This is Ryan," he said, "Uh... We met-"

"How long has this been going on?" Tyler asked. 

"What?" Josh asked, "Tyler what are you talking about?" 

"When were you going to tell me?" Tyler asked, "I thought you told me everything. I am your best friend after all." 

"Tyler what the hell?" Josh asked, not sure what Tyler was so upset about, "Is this because you can't handle me finally moving on from what we had? Newsflash! You're the one who left first." 

"Left what?" Tyler asked, "Late night hookups? You leaving before morning?" 

"You know why I left!" Josh said, realizing he was yelling, "I left for us! So that your parents wouldn't see us!" He had tears on his cheeks, not sure how this had even started, "I get it! Okay?! You found someone they'll approve of and who you like, so let me fucking move on!" His chest was heaving and he realized that there were people staring now. 

"And there's nothing going on between Ryan and I. We met at group today. So don't fucking worry that I might be cheating on something that never happened." He turned, walking away with tears running down his cheeks. 

Tyler wasn't allowed to do this to him. He wasn't allowed to run around with Jenna for months only to turn around when Josh turned around and kissed someone else. He wasn't allowed to do this to him. He couldn't do that. Not when Josh was trying so hard to move on. 

He went out, snow crunching under his boots. His jacket was still in the basement, but he didn't give two shits. He'd walk home without it. He heard someone approaching and turned to see Ryan and Mark standing there.

"Josh?" Mark asked, looking worried. 

"It's not Ryan's fault," Josh said, "It's fucking Tyler and.." he took a deep breath, "He can't fucking... He can't.." He felt arms around him and buried his nose in the nearest shoulder, letting himself be held, letting the others be there for him. Knowing that they knew what he might be going through. 

The cold air bit through his t-shirt and he let himself be led back inside, even though he just wanted to go home. 

**January 3**

Josh laid back in his bed. The first day back at school had been terrible. It felt like there was something hollow in him, something missing. According to Brendon, Tyler and Jenna hadn't spoken since the party, meaning that she was just as pissed about what Tyler had done as he was. It still sucked though. The first time they'd actually brought up everything they'd been doing and it was in a fight. He rubbed his stomach and sighed, tired of having to deal with it all. 

"Y'know kid, I can't wait to be rid of you," he said, and his stomach fluttered. He sat up, deciding to drum for a bit. His family wasn't home yet, so he could make Tyler hear how upset he was, how badly he'd been hurt. He went to the attic, fully prepared to break another pair of sticks, but he couldn't even convince himself to do that. He just stared at his kit, as though waiting for it to make noise for him. 

He chewed his lip. Maybe he could dye his hair, but his mom said not until the baby was born. The chemicals were bad for them after all. He wanted to scream and throw things and break everything, but he was just numb. As though nothing in the world had meaning anymore. He looked at his kit and it stared back at him. No sound to be heard. 

Drumming was the thing that always made him feel good, and he couldn't even bring himself to do that much. He could break down and cry, but that wouldn't help. He'd cried so much. Not just over the past few days, but over the last few months. There had been too many tears and he was so done with it. He just couldn't do it anymore. 

Usually when he got in these moods, Tyler talked him down, but Tyler wasn't there anymore. And Josh didn't want him back. He wanted Tyler to feel the rejection he had felt, that he still felt. He wanted the other to suffer. He wanted to take everything out on someone, and Tyler was his only target. So he was going to take it out on Tyler. 

He looked around, spotting the book of lyrics and the ukulele. He took a deep breath and stood, stepping towards them with only one thing on his mind. He wanted to hurt his best friend. He wanted someone to feel everything that he had been through. He wanted to hurt Tyler as badly as he'd been hurt. He took the ukulele by the neck, intent on destroying it. He raised it above his head to slam it into the wall. 

But he couldn't bring it down. He couldn't do it. He put it aside to break later, then turned to the notebook, wanting to shred the pages. But he couldn't pull them out. He took a deep breath as he realized it; it didn't matter how much pain he was in, he loved Tyler more.


	24. 20 Weeks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: Bullying, death threats, threats on a child's life, graphic depiction of a panic attack

**January 7**

Ryan was the first person Josh sought out at group. The other was chatting with Zooey, holding tight to her baby as though it were no problem at all. He made it look so natural, like he had always handled children and knew exactly what he was supposed to be doing. As soon as he saw Josh though, he passed Zach back to his mother. He smiled as he excused himself, and walked over. 

"Hey!" he said, "You look freaked out." He smiled at Josh, and Josh couldn't find it within himself to deny that.  

"Two reasons," Josh said, not sure what the second reason was even though his stomach twisted with nerves. He grabbed the first thing that came to mind, "I'm at the halfway point now, so I can officially start the countdown. And, well... I just kinda, y'know... I uh... Well... I want to apologize for New Years. Tyler- he and I-" he chewed his lip, knowing he wasn't going to be able to form a coherent sentence to save his life. 

"He's the dad?" Ryan asked, gesturing to Josh's stomach, and Josh realized that he didn't know about everything. He didn't know the video or the rumors or the party or the stories. He didn't know anything about Josh's story. There was something incredibly liberating about the thought. It would be Josh's choice to tell him. It wouldn't be his assailants. For once, he might actually be able to choose.

He shook his head. "No... He's not... We told a lot of people that he was... But the truth got out in the worst way and he caught a lot of the backlash... Uh-" He didn't know what else to say. Should he tell Ryan about the hookups or just let him figure it out himself? 

"You don't have to explain," Ryan said, "I'm sorry for like- getting between you two? But you said it didn't mean anything." 

"It didn't," Josh said, "I really just wanted Brendon to leave us alone. And I honestly thought he wouldn't care. He's so deep in the closet that he's beginning to convince himself or something because he was pretty intensely kissing his girlfriend." 

Ryan laughed at that one, and Josh smiled softly. 

"Yeah. I'm sorry you got dragged into that," he said, "You didn't deserve that, and Tyler needs to learn that: if he's allowed to move on, then I am too." He took a deep breath, "We're a long story that I don't like telling. But... If you-"

"I don't need an explanation," Ryan said, "You two had a thing and someone killed it. Things got complicated and one or both of you need to pull your head out of your ass to see what could be." 

Josh blushed, rubbing the back of his neck and laughing awkwardly, "Yeah... That about sums it up," he said, "Now uh... We should join the group. I think we're about to start." 

Ryan nodded, "Yeah," he said, turning towards where Mark was reserving their seats and motioning for them to join him, "We better get over there for him." 

Josh nodded, heading over without a second thought. 

**January 9**

Josh hated this. He hated it so much. He hated the tenseness in the group. The fact that Tyler wouldn't even look at him. It hurt. No one wanted to take sides, but Tyler didn't want to talk to Josh, and both he and Jenna had disappeared, though he'd seen them together so he assumed they'd made up. He sat at lunch, taking a deep breath as everyone took their seats around him. 

"Hi Josh," Brendon said, "Hi Bean!" He reached out, running his hand over Josh's stomach, having become completely enamored with telling the baby long stories since finding out that they could now hear them. Sarah thought it was adorable, Josh thought she needed to stop encouraging him. "How are you today?" he asked, and Josh knew who he was talking to. 

"They're fine Bren," he said, pushing the other mans hand away. He wasn't in the mood. He could see Tyler across the lunchroom, eating with Jenna, Ash, and Hayley. The girls had told Josh they were going to talk to him and try to get him to apologize for overreacting. 

"Y'know... He told Jenna it was because he's worried about you," Sarah said, "Uh... he doesn't want anyone hurting you or something." She'd been trying to defend him ever since the incident, but Josh was just tired of the denial. 

"Yeah... Sure," he said, "Playing like he's my fucking knight in shining armor..." He shook his head, "I'm just tired. He can't go out with someone else then screw me over when I finally feel ready to move on." He looked at his lunch. He really wasn't feeling hungry, but the baby was. 

"So are you and that guy..." Brendon asked, trying to sneak a hand back over to Josh's stomach. He hadn't spoken to the Bean since that morning and Josh figured he had a story he wanted to tell them. 

"No," Josh said, "Ryan and I are friends. We're in similar situations with the whole, knocked up and no father thing." He sighed, "He's just a guy from group." He shook his head. Tyler's back was to him, but he could see that Ash was frowning about something. He wondered what they were talking about. "Maybe I should just do online classes..." he muttered, pushing Brendon's hand away again. 

Brendon shook his head. "Nope. Now you're definitely just being overdramatic. You don't need to take online classes Josh. You're better off here where-"

"I can drag everyone down?" Josh asked, setting his forehead on the table. 

"No," Brendon and Sarah said at the same time. Brendon looked at her before continuing alone. "So we can support you. And make sure you don't end up lonely or something. We're gonna make sure you get through this." He shook his head. 

Sarah nodded with him, "Josh, you're going through a lot of shit. I know you hear everything. When people talk shit it somehow sounds ten times louder than any good, but we are here for you." 

He looked at them and nodded, not really sure how to respond. "Thanks guys..." he said softly, "That... That means a lot..." 

**January 11**

"Hey fag," Josh felt the guys shove him and ignored it. It was better to ignore it. "Didn't you hear me gaytard?" the kid said, and Josh just kept his head down. "Y'know," the kid continued, "My friends and I have a bet. We're wondering whether your kids gonna be retarded or dead, and we just wanted your opinion." Josh could hear them laughing at him, but he just kept walking, trying to get to the safety of a classroom. 

"Aren't you listening faggot?" the kid demanded, getting in front of Josh and blocking his path, but Josh kept his head down, not engaging with the behavior. Everything in him screamed to punch the kid and run, but this happened to regularly to be avoided, "You and your faggot kid are retarded," the guy said, shoving Josh back, "I should just punch it and end it for you both-"

"Stop..." Josh said, his voice soft. He was shaking. Every inch of his body shaking, "Please... Just- just stop..." He'd moved his books, lowered them to cover his rounded stomach and protect it. He wouldn't let them hurt the baby. 

"Or what?" the guy asked, "What're you gonna do about it? You gonna cry?" 

Josh's breath was catching in his throat. He couldn't stop shaking. His hands were slipping off his books. He couldn't hold them up on his own. His fingertips were numb, but he wrapped his arms tight around himself. 

"Oh my god he's actually crying!" The guy cried, absolutely ecstatic that he'd been able to trigger a violent panic attack. 

Josh's knee's buckled, and he collapsed. He knew he hit one of the guys, but they just shoved him down. He curled into a ball, unable to breath and preparing for the worst. But instead he heard a dull thud. There was yelling, a lot of it. He felt a hand and screamed as though he'd been slapped. More yelling, then a voice. 

"Josh?" he shook his head, wrapping tighter around his baby to protect them, "Josh?" The voice was soft and worried, but he couldn't lift his head. He didn't know what they would do to him. He didn't know if they would hurt him. 

"Josh your moms on her way..." He didn't know why they'd called his mom. Wasn't he at a party? Wouldn't parents mean cops? 

"Josh... I need you to breath..." He gasped for air, trying to breath as he looked up at the blurred face, "In through your nose..." His nose wasn't working though, it felt like he was snorting sand, he gasped, then tried again, trying to calm down. 

"Now... Tell me four things you can touch..." 

"F-f-f- floor..." Josh managed, his fingers curling against the tiles of the hallways, "Sh-sh-shirt..." he reached out, clutching the persons shirt, "B-b-baby... i can... my bump..." his hand moved again, splaying out over his bump, confirming that it was safe. 

"One more Josh," the voice said, and his hand slammed into the wall.

"Wall..." he said, "Wall..."

"Three things you can hear?" The voice asked. It was becoming clearer. It was one of the teachers. He knew them. 

"You..." Josh managed, his breathing becoming easier, "Me... um... Class..." he could hear a teacher, teaching their class nearby. 

"Two things you can smell?" the teacher asked. 

Josh took deep breaths through his nose, trying to regain his senses. "Sweat," he said, easily identifying the hallway smell, "Cologne..." someone had recently sprayed it. Probably a freshman. 

"Alright Josh," the teacher said, "We're almost done... Almost there... One thing you can taste?" 

Josh swallowed, trying to taste, trying to think of what he could taste. "I- I don't know..." he said, "Uh... Lunch... I had carrots... I think I taste carrots..." 

The teacher nodded. "Alright... Josh... Do you know who I am?" 

Josh swallowed, then nodded. "You're Mr. Way... My English teacher..." 

Mr. Way nodded. "That's right... Can I help you up?" 

Josh looked around at the empty hallways and nodded. "Yeah... I just... I'm sorry for... I don't..." 

"Josh," Mr. Way said, "You have nothing to be sorry for." He reached out, helping Josh to his feet. "Now, you're mom is going to meet you in the office, she wants to take you to the doctors to make sure everything's okay." He looked concerned, "Are you okay?" 

Josh shook his head, "No.. But.." he set his hand against his stomach, feeling it flutter, "I think the bean is..." 

Mr. Way nodded, guiding Josh to the office. The first person Josh noticed was Brendon. He had an ice pack on his knuckles and looked beyond pissed. The second person was a kid Josh barely knew and didn't care to know. He looked like he had a black eye and his head was tilted back, a red stained tissue against his nose. Brendon's eyes lit up the second they landed on Josh and he stood, crossing the room in two steps. 

"Josh... Are you-? Is the Bean-?" 

Josh rolled his eyes and took Brendon's hand, pressing it against his bump. "They're okay Bren," he said, "I'm sure of it. They're a tough little sucker. They'll be just fine." 

Brendon swallowed, "Can I- I wanna-" 

Josh simply nodded, already knowing what Brendon was doing. 

Brendon didn't hesitate. He dropped to his knees so he was level with the bump. "Hey Bean," he said, "I hope you know that it's okay. I'm right here to protect you and your... well Josh. Uncle Brendon will keep you safe. Even when you've got a dad and a big brother, I'll still keep you safe." 

Josh just shook his head and ruffled Brendon's hair. "Don't get too attached Bren," he said, "Sarah might get jealous." 

Brendon laughed softly, "I know I shouldn't. But... I just... It's a baby. And... I dunno. I just saw you and him and... I had to do something. Nobody else was. So I just had to." 

Josh pulled him to his feet so he could hug him. "If you get suspended for this then I'm gonna kill you," he muttered. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 24: 2062 words
> 
> So this chapter really took on a life of it's own holy shit. 
> 
> So is Tyler gonna apologize or just keep ignoring Josh? 
> 
> Is Brendon gonna get too attached to "Bean"?
> 
> Is Brendon gonna get suspended for beating the crap out of a kid?
> 
> Will the bullying get better or worse? 
> 
> \- Will


	25. 21 Weeks

**January 13**

"So do you want to talk about what happened at school?" Dr. Wentz asked, "I heard you had a pretty severe panic attack..." The concern was evident, but Josh was glad that it wasn't just for the Bean. 

"Have you and your husband picked names yet?" Josh asked in response, "I just... Yeah... I don't... I kinda wanna wait until it's out to like... process everything because... I... What if I hurt them with my own fears?" 

Dr. Wentz nodded, "That makes sense," he said, "And... We're back and forth. I like Saint for a boy and Marvel for a girl, and he likes Declan or Elisa. Like with Bronx, we really don't want to know the gender." He shrugged, "We don't want to plan their life before their born after all, we'd much rather wait and see who they end up being." 

Josh nodded right back. "Marvel... That's cute," he rubbed his stomach, "I would've kept them if they were Tyler's..." he said suddenly, "Because... I can't imagine getting rid of anything that was part him..." He sighed and rubbed his face, "Can we talk about Tyler today? I think that's what I want to think about.." 

Dr. Wentz nodded, remembering mentions of Josh's best friend from previous sessions, "Of course," he said, "What's on your mind?" 

"Just... He's so back and forth. It's like he can do whatever he wants but as soon as I try to move on from what we were he says I can't. And he tries to say that he's trying to protect me or whatever because he can't seem to admit that he's not over it." He took a deep breath, "And he's just dragging Jenna down with him and she deserves so much better! She... She's a good person. I shouldn't hate her for being in love with him, but I do because I'm still in love with him and it's so frustrating and I just want to be his best friend again..." He could feel tears welling up in his eyes, and could see Dr. Wentz wanted to speak, but he pressed on. "And I get it, y'know? His parents are homophobic. They caught us together once and it was really fucking traumatic. We didn't speak for a long time after that and this just feels like that all over again. Some traumatic shit happened, and now we can't even look at each other." 

"Well..." Dr. Wentz sighed, "It sounds like this hasn't been the healthiest relationship in your life for a long time. Maybe it's for the best that you two take a break." 

"But it is the healthiest..." Josh said, "Tyler... He's been my shoulder to lean on since we first met. I mean... He's always been there for me, and when everything went wrong, he was the one I turned to. Hell... For the longest time he said he was the dad. He was the one who took me home and cleaned me up that night. He's the one who held me while I sobbed my eyes out because I couldn't handle the pain..." Josh could feel himself about to ugly cry, "He's the reason I decided to get black out that night... I saw him dancing with Jenna and it hurt so fucking bad. He's my best friend and I know I shouldn't feel like I do about him, but it hurts knowing that he'll never feel the same." He took a deep breath, "Um... After everything... He said the reason he went to find me, is just because he hadn't seen me, and he had a bad feeling in his gut... He knew something was wrong." He shook his head.

"Just because your relationship was good then, doesn't mean it's good now," Dr. Wentz said, passing Josh a box of tissues, "Maybe you two should take a break, because from what it sounds like, he has his own thinking to do. What happened that night probably scared him, he wasn't able to protect his best friend, and he must blame himself for a lot of it. Perhaps distancing himself from you is how he's handling it." 

Josh nodded and sniffled. "Yeah... That makes sense..." he murmured, taking the tissues, "And the whole sexuality thing probably doesn't help much either..." He attempted a laugh, but it sounded about as fake as it felt. 

Dr. Wentz nodded. "Yeah... It probably doesn't help at all." 

**January 15**

Brendon had earned himself three days suspension for assaulting the other student, whose name Josh didn't care about. But he was back, to many a cheer from their lunch table. He took his place between Josh and Sarah with a smile, "Shut up you guys," he said, "It's not like I'm gonna make a speech or something." 

"Speech!" called Ashley, earning a smack from Hayley. 

Josh just laughed, "It's good to have you back man. My hero, my knight in shining armor!" 

"Shut up," Brendon replied, "Now how's Bean doing?" 

"They're awake," Josh said, "I mean... I've been getting this fluttery feeling in my stomach for weeks, and yesterday Debby informed me that it's probably Bean kicking. Can you believe that? I can feel it right now... They're... Really active actually..." He smiled, rubbing the spot. 

"They probably know you're excited," Ash said, "It's making them all excited too." 

Josh laughed, rubbing his stomach, "Yeah... probably.." He smiled, happily. 

"Can we feel it yet?" Brendon asked. 

Josh took the other boys hand, "Let's check real quick," he said, pressing it to the spot where the baby was moving around, "Do you feel anything?" 

Brendon shook his head, "Nope," he said, still grinning, "Sarah, do you wanna try?" 

Sarah shook her head, laughing softly, "Nah," she said, "Maybe when it's noticeable or something." She smiled as Brendon went to kiss her cheek, turning at the last moment to kiss her lips instead. The sight of them warmed Josh's heart. They were so comfortable and affectionate. 

Across the cafeteria he could see Tyler and Jenna. He wished the other boy were there at the table, being so casual and sweet, but he remembered what Dr. Wentz had said. Tyler needed to figure it out on his own. Then things might just be okay again. 

**January 17**

"Josh!" 

Josh turned to see Sarah running down the hall after him and smiled. He loved Sarah, though they didn't usually hang out without someone else around. "Hey!" he said brightly, "What's up?" 

"In sex ed we're doing projects on genetic conditions and I pulled Carrierism," she said, not even trying to be subtle, "And despite always hanging out with you, I actually don't know shit."

"So you want me to go home with you to help you with your project?" he asked, smiling easily, "Sure hon. No problem at all." He stopped at his locker, needing to get his homework and car keys, "I'll probably ask you questions about math. You're way better at it than I am." 

She nodded, "Yeah.. That works," She smiled, but there was something off, it didn't quite reach her eyes. Like she was forcing it over panic. Josh smiled back though, he knew how it was to want to seem okay. 

"Need a ride?" he asked, twirling his keys on his finger as he started to his car, "I know Brendon usually gives you one. 

"That would be perfect," she said. He wondered why she was so stiff, but shrugged it off. Her and Brendon had probably gotten into a petty fight over something. When they got in the car and started driving she remained stiff, reaching out and turning up the radio to sing along to whatever was playing, but it seemed off. Everything seemed off. 

As soon as they reached her house she was out, and heading for the door. That was definitely strange, but Josh didn't question it as he followed her inside. Then something clicked in his head. "Sarah?" he asked when he found her sitting on the bed, "There's no project is there..." 

She kept her gaze on the floor as she shook her head. "No..." she said, "There isn't... I just didn't want someone to overhear me..." She swallowed as he sat next to her.

"Do you know for sure yet?" he asked, rubbing her back gently, "I mean... You shouldn't panic until you know for sure..." 

She took a deep breath, "There's a test in my backpack. I got it when Brendon and I skipped and went to the grocery store instead." 

He nodded, "You should take it. If you're really worried then you should take it. I'm sure it's nothing. But it'll make you feel better when it's negative." 

She looked up at him with tears in her eyes, "But what if it's positive?" she asked, "Bren and I... What will we do?" She was on the verge of sobbing and Josh could tell so he pulled her into a hug. 

"You'll look at your options and decide what to do next," he said, "One day at a time is all it takes." He held her tight as she buried her nose in his shoulder and he could feel her tears soaking his shirt. 

"If- If it's negative... You won't tell Bren... Right?" she asked, "I just... I see how he looks at Bean.. I know he's getting attached... I don't want him to do something... Brendon-like..." 

"I won't tell," Josh said, "But you should..." He pressed a kiss to her forehead, "Now," he took a deep breath, "Go take that test and we'll pray that it comes out negative." 

She nodded, "Um... This may seem a bit weird but..." 

He sighed and nodded. "Yeah... I get it." He stood, following her into the bathroom and sitting on the edge of the tub. It was awkward as hell, but he got it. It was better with someone there, incase something went wrong. 

She set the test aside and set the timer, sitting next to him and holding his hand. "Fuck... Please let this be negative," she said, "One kid in the group is definitely enough." 

Josh laughed half-heartedly and rubbed his stomach, "Yeah... Definitely. If you need me to, I'll definitely lecture Brendon and tell him that pulling out is in no way effective birth control." 

Sarah snorted, "Yeah... He's a bit of an idiot. But he's my idiot and I wouldn't trade him for the world." 

Josh nodded, "Aw... You idiots are in love." 

She smiled and leaned her head on his shoulder. "Josh..." she said softly, "I'm scared... Is this how it felt with you?" 

"I uh..." He took a deep breath, "I was terrified. I remember that I had Tyler pick up the test for me. And I locked myself in his bathroom and sobbed. I just sobbed because it was so impossible and... I don't even know who the other father is. It was the fucking worst..." He trailed off, "At least if yours is positive, you have support and you know who the dad is and... You can remember what happened. For me.. It's just a giant hole in my memory. There's glimpses and pieces... But..." He shrugged. 

She nodded, "Yeah... I guess I'm lucky. If it is positive... At least I've got someone who has an idea of what to do to help me through." She smiled up at him, "It's not like I'm stumbling blind." 

"And you've got someone to help you when you need it," he said, "Literally, I have been so fucking horny lately... It's awful. I really need to get laid. But my usual hook up is in a relationship and also not speaking to me." 

She laughed, the tension that had been hanging in the air dissolving slightly. "Yeah, that definitely helps," she said. She was going to continue when the timer went off, letting them know that the results were ready. 

"You ready?" he asked, "It's time to see..." 

She shook her head. "Nope... Not ready at all." She smiled at him and stood, stepping over to the test to check it. The relief was immediate. "Negative," she said, "Looks like Brendon's pull out game isn't as bad as we thought it was." 

Josh chuckled, opening his arms to pull her into a hug. "Are you gonna tell him?" he asked. 

She hugged him tight. "I don't know yet," she said, "Maybe... I think he deserves to know." 

Josh nodded and pressed a kiss to her hair. "I think he does too.."


	26. 22 Weeks

**January 20**

"I remember little things," Josh said suddenly, making Dr. Wentz turn, tilting his head in confusion, "About that night," he clarified, "Like... I remember that I was dancing and someone knocked my cup out of my hand, then someone passed me a new one and I drank it. I just... I drank it like a fucking idiot." 

He sighed, "Of course... I was... really drunk at the time." He chewed his lip, "I should've paid closer attention..." He shook his head, "I'm such an idiot though... I was such a party kid. I didn't care and I was invincible." He took a deep breath, "Next thing I know I wake up and someone's on top of me, and... like... I was awake when he... y'know... finished..." Josh swallowed, "And... no matter how hard I try I can't stop remembering it. It hurt and I could feel it...  _inside_ me. Then it goes black again and I wake up in Debby's car with my head in Tyler's lap and everyone's crying." 

"Josh..." Dr. Wentz was clearly at a loss for words, "I can't imagine what-" 

"I never saw the video," Josh said, "But... I asked Brendon to tell me about it. He said it was super badly filmed. Like it was a phone camera. He could tell I wasn't awake, even though they were holding me down..." He took a deep breath. "He knew when I woke up because even though he couldn't look at the screen, but he could hear me screaming..." He swallowed again, he mouth feeling incredibly dry, "Sarah said he had his head in the toilet for nearly an hour after. The video is only ten minutes long and part of it is them just filming me talking to Debby and dancing..."

"Thank you for telling me," Dr. Wentz said, "I'm so glad that we've established this level of trust between us." He took a deep breath, "Did you just need to get it out, or do you want to talk about it?" 

"I dunno..." Josh said softly, "I just... I feel like they're going to try to attack me again... I still get shit for the video, and for being a Carrier, and... so many other things. And I always feel like they're watching me. They see my every move. But I can't know for sure because..." He fell silent. 

"Because you don't know who they are?" Dr. Wentz asked, gently finishing for him. 

Josh nodded, "Yeah... I don't know... And that's terrifying. And I'm... I'm absolutely terrified." HE took a deep breath. "And... I still get nightmares. I don't remember him talking... But in my dreams he does. And... He-" He swallowed, knowing his cheeks were pink, "He says I'm pretty.. and that he can't wait to do it again. He says... that I'll never be rid of him..." He choked, starting to cry softly. It felt good to say it out loud, but it also hurt because it acknowledged that what happened was real and that his nightmares were there, "And I can't tell whether it's real or not... And that's terrifying..." He buried his face in his hands, wanting to curl into a ball, but unable to with his stomach in the way. 

He felt a hand on his shoulder and looked up to see Dr. Wentz standing next to him. "It will get better," he said, "This will pass." 

Josh threw his arms around the man, pulling him close. He just needed a hug, something gentle to ground him. Dr. Wentz sighed and hugged him. "It'll be okay Josh. I know it's difficult, but you took a huge step today. You took a fantastic step, and it can only get better from here." 

**January 22**

School was shitty. It was always shitty. Josh rubbed his stomach as he sat in class, just breathing. He could feel the baby kicking and it was insanely distracting. And he knew that if he didn't start focussing, then the teacher was gonna try to call him out for it. He looked at the paper he'd been given, wondering if he could just copy off of someone. Most people let him nowadays. Mostly because they felt sorry for him. 

It was strange being the kid who got knocked up in high school. Everyone clearly thought this meant he was a failure. Teachers either went super easy on him or went really hard on him and either way he hated it. He just wanted to be normal. 

He wanted to be able to coast through the year with one headphone in and Tyler by his side. He wanted to be black out drunk on the weekends, or even just high as hell. He didn't want to be wondering if his rapist was in one of his classes, or dealing with random kids walking over to feel his stomach. He hated how strangers felt like they were just allowed to touch him whenever he wanted. 

Even after the video had gotten out, people would still try to screw with him. Some liked to try to make him have a breakdown. Some just called him names. He'd have kids stop him in the hall and ask if he'd faked the video, if it had really been rape. He just ignored most of them. If they were asking then they'd never believe his answers. 

The bell rang and he got his bag together. He didn't want to talk to anyone, but it was lunch so he would sit with his friends. His locker had been painted. It said, "FAGGOT." He ignored it and got his  lunch out. It was better to ignore the taunts. He didn't report them to avoid being a fag and a snitch. He didn't want to be that kid. He just wanted to make it through the school year and graduate. He just wanted to survive.

**January 24**

"Heey," said a voice, "Porn-star..."

Josh sighed, not wanting to deal with it today. And not wanting Brendon to try to be his knight in shining armor, "One day..." he muttered. 

"What?" the kid asked, clearly confused by Josh's response to his taunting. 

"Can I please," Josh said, "Have one  _fucking_  day. Just one." 

"What the fuck are you talking about faggot?" the kid asked. 

Josh spun, his fist connecting with the kids jaw and knocking him off his feet. "I want," he took a deep breath, "One  **fucking** day." He didn't yell, he barely spoke above a whisper. But there was danger in his voice. "One day, where you assholes don't try to fuck with all the shit in my head. How would you like it? Huh? How would you like it? To be fucking forced to do- to... To be fucking raped?! How would you like to have no memory of it!? I fucking  **hurt**! And you think it's so funny. Don't you? I'm just trying to fucking process this. I'm trying not to lash out. I'm trying so fucking hard. Socould you please just  **drop it**!" 

He could feel tear tracks on his cheeks and he was breathing heavy and the kid was just staring up at him, clearly not sure what to think of what had just happened. They had a hand against their jaw, which was rapidly swelling. 

"I already know I'm a freak," Josh cried, "I don't need you to shove it down my throat any further." He set a hand against his side where the baby was kicking. He couldn't feel it, but he knew they were. He turned, grabbing his backpack and going to his car. He knew he cried a lot, he figured it was all part of the whole pregnancy thing. He figured it was also part of the whole PTSD thing. It hadn't been said out loud, but he knew he had it. He knew he'd be dealing with it. He knew it would be a long time before it went away. 

He leaned his head against the steering wheel, shoulders shaking as he let it all out. His only interruption was someone knocking on the window. He glanced over and saw Ashley. He flipped her off. Typically he wouldn't mind the company, but today he just wanted to be left alone. 

He didn't see her roll her eyes, but when her heard the car door open, he knew she had. "Principal needs to speak with you," she said, stating the fact in a tone that said she wasn't going to do shit about it. 

"The principal can go fuck himself," Josh said, "Let's get Taco Bell." He took several deep breaths, wiping away his tears. He looked over and she was already in the passenger seat smiling at him. 

She reached out, lacing her fingers with his and squeezing his hand to show that she cared. "That sounds fucking awesome," she said, "Let's do it." 

He offered her a smile in return and started the car, not really giving a shit about consequences anymore. He was already screwed, so why bother acting like there was any way out? 

**January 26**

 If Josh was being completely honest with himself, suspension for assaulting another student, although unfair, was really nice. He'd taken the day before to catch up on the homework he'd missed and was currently trying not to fall asleep in the bathtub while Hayley rambled to him on the phone. 

"I dunno..." she was saying, "Like... I like girls, I like girls a lot... But... I don't know if she likes girls and like... what if I mess things up? The group is already bent out of shape and like... I don't want to make it any worse. And I don't blame you or Tyler-" 

"I blame both of us," Josh muttered, though he knew she couldn't hear him from where his phone was propped up. 

"But like... I really fucking like her Josh. Like... I keep y'know..." 

"Touching yourself?" he offered, running his fingers through his hair.

"Yeah," she said, "To like... The thought of going down on her. I really, really wanna go down on her." 

"Hayley," he said, "I am like... five months pregnant and super horny. If you keep talking about going down on Ashley, then I'm gonna start jerking off to the thought of going down on Tyler because-" 

"Alright, I get it," she replied, "Feelings only. No sex talk." 

He laughed. "Why don't you just... I dunno... Try to casually talk about sexuality? I mean, I'm sure she'd be fine chatting about it. You two are super close and you have kissed at plenty of parties."

"Yeah, but we were both drunk," Hayley pointed out, "What if she doesn't want to face those feelings when she's sober?" 

He sighed, "I dunno Hay..." he said, "First time Ty and I hooked up we were both drunk. Then there's the night Brendon and I don't speak of..." he chuckled, "When he was feeling experimental so I gave him a blowjob." He frowned, "He still hasn't figured out how he feels about it though so..." he shrugged even though she couldn't see him. 

"Yeah..." she chewed her lip, "Anyways, I gotta get to class. I'll talk to you later man." 

"Bye," he said, hanging up and setting his phone aside, and deciding to use the time alone to have some fun. 

His thoughts slipped away to Tyler. He knew it was stupid and he really shouldn't think of the other boy like this any more. But he just shut his eyes and let it happen, his hand moving under the water as he moaned. It felt good, so incredibly good. He bit his lip, then stopped. Something felt weird. 

It took a bit of maneuvering, but he slid a hand down to a place that he'd been careful to avoid. He pressed a finger into his hole, and it moved easily. The realization hit him like a train. He was wet. Like a girl. He slid his finger deeper inside and realized that it felt good, really good. 

He finished with two fingers deep inside himself and his other hand on his cock. It was strange and different, and he wasn't ready for it. But he had to be, so it was better to move on. He started the shower. It was time for him to move on. 


	27. 23 Weeks

**January 27**

"So you assaulted someone, then ran away and got Taco Bell," Dr. Wentz asked, clarifying the story he'd just been told about Josh's week. 

"Yeah," Josh said, "And I don't regret it at all." He shrugged, "They've been treating me like a doormat for so long, I just wanted to show them that I'm not one." He took a deep breath, "I just... I hope it doesn't continue when I get back. There's only so much standing up for myself I can do at this point..." 

Dr. Wentz shook his head. "Josh, I understand why you did it. I completely understand, but I know your story. The school doesn't. They just see you as a troubled kid who's now hurting others. You've gotta start reporting the things they say. Or at least getting recordings of them. Write it down, keep a careful record of dates and times. Things said and actions taken. It will work better in the long run than bursts of anger." 

"I usually just try to ignore them," Josh said, "Because... I don't want to be a freak and a snitch." 

"Snitch?" Dr. Wentz asked, "That term is an awful one. Reporting abuse isn't "snitching". It's making sure a problem is handled by people who can handle it." 

"And what if they don't handle it? What if they just write me off as another kid who's seeking attention?" Josh asked, "What happens then?" 

"Then you have a record to back you up," Dr. Wentz said, "Don't treat the system like it's against you. Make it work for you." 

"So go over the heads of the people who are ignoring me?" Josh asked, unable to believe what Dr. Wentz was telling him to do. 

"Legally, no." 

Josh laughed. "Hey! Uh... I know my sessions up, but are we still meeting at the agency to me?" He tilted his head to the side, "And... Your husband doesn't know about... everything?" 

"My husband doesn't know anything about you," Dr. Wentz said, "I promise. I take doctor-patient confidentiality very seriously. The most I've said is that our surrogate is one of my patients and he's tried to ask more but- I'll only tell him what he already knows from your adoption file. So all he'll know is what you tell him." He smiled, "Are you excited to meet him and Bronx?" 

"I'm very excited," Josh said, "I'm missing group for it. I already told Mark and Ryan to let me know if anyone goes into labor or something. I just... I know this kid will be happy with you guys." 

"I'm really glad you feel that way," Dr. Wentz said, "And I know we'll be happy with them." 

**January 28**

Josh sat in the room at the adoption agency. He had a cup of orange juice that he desperately wished was coffee. But there were plenty of reasons why it was just juice. He chewed his lip as he waited for Dr. Wentz and his family to show up. The interview had to be done, and Josh knew it, but he and Dr. Wentz had discussed getting lunch after and that was what he was looking forward to. 

The door to the interview room opened and he smiled as he saw his agent walk in. She was followed by Dr. Wentz and another man who was holding a young boy. The boy was snoring softly against the other mans shoulder. 

"Hey," Josh said, smiling brightly, "Dr. Wentz!" He didn't hesitate to step forward and pull his therapist into a hug, he stepped back, offering the other man a hand, "And you must be Patrick! It's nice to finally meet you." He looked at the little boy in Patrick's arms, "And I'm guessing this is Bronx?" 

Dr. Wentz laughed, "You can call me Pete," he said, "This is casual, not one of your appointments." He smiled as Patrick shook his hand, smiling at him. 

"Ok... Pete," Josh said, "Well, let's get this over with. I'm really looking forward to lunch." 

Patrick laughed, muttering something to Pete, which Pete nodded to. "Yeah. I thought you might," he said. 

Josh kept smiling, taking his seat. His feet were aching constantly, so sitting was definitely good. "So... Any questions you have for me?" he asked, directing the question at Patrick since Pete already knew basically everything about him. 

"Uh... Open or closed adoption?" Patrick said, "I know you said closed in the paperwork, but have you changed your mind at all." He smiled. He had glasses and kept one hand on Bronx's back, supporting the sleeping seven year old. 

"I don't know..." Josh said, "I honestly... Like... When I went into this... I'm gonna admit that I hated them but... I don't think I do anymore. I kinda like them and I would like to know that they're okay, at least in the beginning. I don't mean I want them to write me letters or anything as they grow up. But... Maybe I could get the occasional picture?" He shrugged, "I mean... Doc- Pete. Pete and I are pretty close so..." 

Patrick nodded. "And... I hate to pry, but, if you're willing to tell me, I would like to know a bit more about the situation. What led you to put your baby up for adoption?" 

"Uh..." Josh looked at Bronx, not sure he wanted to talk about it with the child in the room, even if he was sleeping. 

"I'll take him," Pete said, "Go wake him up so he can meet you." He smiled, taking Bronx from Patrick and leaving them alone together. 

Josh swallowed, waiting until the door clicked shut before he spoke. "So... um...  I was... assaulted at a party. I was drugged so... I didn't... like... I don't remember it at all," he took a deep breath, "And... I don't know who the father was. And I decided to put them up for adoption because.. Well, I'm not ready to be a parent. I can barely take care of myself and... I know I could never really love them because if they look like him... He's all I'd ever be able to see." He felt Patrick take his hand, and he swallowed. "And like... Everyone says that my options are abortion or keeping them and.. I just knew that someone out there will love them more than I ever could. And I think you and Pete and Bronx... I think you might be that family." He looked up at Patrick, able to see that he understood, or he at least thought he did.

He felt them kicking and set a hand against the spot. "Do you wanna feel?" he asked, and smiled when Patrick nodded. The older man stood, making his way around the table. He took his hand, pressing it to the spot and knowing that the baby was pressing back. "That's them," he said, "That's your baby..." He smiled, loving the look on Patrick's face. 

There was a gentle knock and Pete stepped in, Bronx holding his hand and rubbing his eyes. "What's going on here?" Pete asked, raising a curious eyebrow. 

"They're kicking," Josh said, "C'mere!" He waved them over, letting them each take a turn pressing their hands to where the baby was pressing their limb outwards to try to say hello. 

**January 30**

The usual bullies had been leaving Josh alone, which he found relaxing. And the snide remarks he made note of, including comments made by faculty. He took careful note of each instance of being shoved or called pornstar or faggot. He was wary of it though making sure nobody saw him writing down the times and dates. 

At lunch he became a celebrity with his friends, all of whom were eager to feel the Bean kick. 

"My turn!" Brendon cried, happily pressing a hand to the spot on Josh's stomach, his eyes lighting up when he felt the baby pressing back. "Holy shit," he said, "You've got a fucking baby in there... Like... It's a little alien..." He grinned, "That's so fucking weird. I love it. Sarah!" He spun to face his girlfriend, "You've gotta feel this." 

Sarah smiled, but Josh could see her uneasiness. He took a deep breath, "Actually, I gotta pee. Bean loves punching me in the bladder," he said, standing up and brushing the hands away. He headed for the bathroom, just needing to get away for a minute. The positive attention felt good, but it was also overwhelming. 

He stepped into the bathroom to do his business, and almost immediately jumped out of his skin as Brendon burst in behind him with a loud, "Hey Josh!" 

Josh gave him a sideways look. "Hey..." he said, still just trying to do his thing, "Y'know.. I wasn't joking. I'm five months pregnant and always have to piss." 

"Yeah..." Brendon shrugged, "It's just next to impossible to get a text back and I need to talk to you." He leaned against the wall, not even caring where they were. 

"Dude... Can it wait?" Josh asked, "Like... Seriously?" 

"Dude, I just need some advice,"  Brendon said, "Like... Sarah's been acting really weird and like... Usually I know what's up because I'm a good boyfriend and we know each other real well but lately, I dunno.." 

"This one hundred percent could've waited until after I pissed," Josh muttered, "Look man, ask her about it. Like... You two are always open and sweet to each other. Just... Talk to her. She'll understand. Now, can you please leave me alone so I can use the restroom?" 

"Alright, alright," Brendon put up his hands, "I'll leave. But I'm not dropping it." He stepped out, leaving Josh to just roll his eyes and do what he needed to do before facing the fire of public school. 

**February 1**

It wasn't even Valentines Day, yet there were roses everywhere. It made Josh feel a little nauseous. Especially the couples, they were the absolute worst. Sarah and Brendon were better, but only because they'd been together long enough. It was still a big deal, but they were more casual. Others were sucking face obscenely, or bringing in bouquets with a dozen roses for their picture perfect high school romances. 

Josh couldn't stand it. Especially seeing Jenna and Tyler. It just made his heart hurt more knowing that they were still together. The way he looked at her. Josh loved Jenna, and he was happy that she was happy, but he wished so badly to be in her place. He wished he were spending another Valentines with the boy he loved so much. And he couldn't even do singles night with Ashley, because her and Hayley were now a thing, and of course they were being as gay as possible about it. 

"A dozen roses in rainbow colors?" he asked the blushing Ashley, who was holding the bouquet, "Nice." He grinned, moving to his own locker. 

"Yeah..." She said, "And she promises that it will only get gayer from here." She laughed, burying her face in the flowers, clearly one hundred percent in love with the thought. 

He shook his head and opened his locker, only to have a bunch of pictures slide out. They were screenshots of the video. He almost actually reacted, but he really just wanted to cry. He sighed, and began picking them up, trying to ignore their contents and just get rid of them. 

"Josh?" Ashley asked, setting her flowers aside. 

"Can you pass me that notebook?" he replied, "I need to write this down..." He swallowed, bunching up the images, seeing flashes of a man positioned above him, knowing exactly what he was doing. 

"Oh... ok..." She passed him the notebook and he flipped it open. 

Time. Date. Incident: Hundreds of photos of assault stuffed into locker.

He could hear the kids muttering about it as he cleaned it up. Then someone else joined in. "Asshole..." they muttered, "This is really some fucked up shit..." Josh simply nodded, not sure how to respond. Then there was someone else helping to clean up the mess. They passed around a trash bin, throwing the pictures in it until there were none on the ground. 

The first kid looked at Josh. "You wanna set it on fire?" they asked. He felt himself crack a smile. 

"Yeah," he said, "Let's burn them all."

"I'm Vance," the kid said, "I'm new here." 

"I'm Josh," Josh replied, still smiling at him, "Thanks for that." 


	28. 24 Weeks

**February 3**

**Vance Boi  
hey**

Vance had put the name in when he'd typed his number into Josh's phone. He stared at the text, not really sure how to respond. The kid was new to the school, he'd transferred from Australia and Josh had to admit that his accent was cute. And he didn't know the history of abuse that the rest of the school lorded over him. 

He bit his lip, texting him back. 

**Josh Done  
** ****hey** **

**Vance Boi  
omg... i didn't think you were gonna reply**

**Josh Done  
** ****tbh ive got nothing better to do** **

**Vance Boi**   
**really? no doctors appointments or anything?**

**Josh Done  
** ****lol pregnancy isn't that exciting, even for  
** ** ****us carriers** **

Josh couldn't help but smile. Vance was new. He didn't know and he didn't pity. And he was nice. He chewed his lip. He hadn't spoken to the other guy much, but he had enough. After everything, they'd walked to class together and chatted. Unlike everyone else, Vance wasn't obsessed with the fact that Josh was having a kid. He didn't know about the videos and he didn't know about the drama. He was a fresh start. 

**Vance Boi  
lol srry i'm an idiot sometimes**

**Josh Done  
** ****it's ok so... do you miss australia?** **

**Vance Boi  
yeah. i might go back for school, but i   
kinda wanna spend a year in america**

**Josh Done  
** ****that's cool. lol u should take me with  
** ** ****when u go back** **

**Vance Boi  
maaayyybeee **

Josh smiled, keeping one eye on the time. He did have an appointment later and he didn't want to miss it. He'd really enjoyed meeting Dr. Wentz's family and it had only solidified the idea that he wanted them to adopt his baby. But he also really wanted to keep talking to Vance. 

**Josh Done  
** ****where in australia would you take me?** **

**Vance Boi  
** ****all the good spots. great barrier reef,  
** ** ****sydney opera house, great ocean road, etc.** **

**Josh Done  
** ****yes. so much yes. i need to get outta here** **

**Vance Boi  
yeah... that makes sense. **

Josh bit his lip. He didn't want to unload everything that had been happening onto Vance. He barely knew the guy. But... He thought about the other boys curls and everything a fresh start meant to him. It was fantastic. Someone who hadn't seen every mistake he'd made. Someone who didn't know him. He took a deep breath. 

**Josh Done  
** ****i'm guessing uv been told... everything** **

**Vance Boi  
well... people saw me talking to u   
and they tried to "warn" me**

**Josh Done  
** ****yeah... i'm the schools biggest fuckup** **

**Vance Boi**   
**No. That's the guys who think it's  
funny to fuck with u**

Josh swallowed nervously. There was something about it. He could picture the other boy mussing his unruly red curls and looking at the phone with those chocolate eyes. He thought about Tyler, and how he currently had Jenna over. He knew that for a fact because he could see her car in his driveway. It was clear that Tyler didn't give a shit anymore. 

**Josh Done  
** ****hey... i don't want to sound to forward...  
** ** ****but do you wanna like... go see a movie?** **

**Vance Boi  
i don't want to sound too forward,   
but yes. i'd love to**

**Josh Done  
** ****like... in a date way?** ** ****

**Vance Boi  
what other way is there?**

**February 4**

"Broooo!" Mark said, "You seriously have a fuckin' date?!" He was grinning like a madman as they left group, everyone saying their goodbyes, "What happened to Tyler? I thought you were in love with him!" 

Josh laughed, rubbing the back of his neck, "Look man, I'm just as surprised as you are. Like... Cute as hell Australian exchange student wants to go to the movies with me?! I even like... Made sure it was a date and he was still interested." 

"I'm proud," Mark said, "You're gonna have to show me pics of this cute as hell Aussie boy." He patted Josh on the shoulder. "I'm really proud. You pregnant wonder boy." 

"Who's a cute as hell Aussie boy?" Vance asked, suddenly appearing by Josh's side and winding a comfortable arm around his waist, "You boy's wouldn't be talking about me would yah?" He had a shit eating grin on his face and Josh could feel his cheeks on fire. His entire body actually. He was burning in a pit that was hell. 

"Hey Vance..." he said, "Uh... I was just telling Mark that we're gonna go to the movies and... I wasn't sure if it was like a date-date or... like.. a platonic date." He was a stuttering mess and he knew Mark was going to make fun of him for it. 

Vance thought for a moment, "Well... I dunno about you," he said, "But I was hoping for... well.." Josh felt his grip tighten, "Well... a date..date." He smiled, still trying to act smooth, but the nerves were there. "Anyways, I was just in the neighborhood with my mum and I saw you so I thought I'd say hello." He smiled, "Y'know... casual like..." 

Josh just blushed brighter and brighter red, unable to believe what was happening. He was actually going to go on a date with a cute as all hell Australian boy. "Uh... So... Friday.. Right?" He asked, smiling crookedly, actually so nervous he couldn't breath. 

"Yeah," Vance said, "Friday." He grinned right back, before pressing a quick kiss to Josh's cheek. "I'll see you Friday beautiful," he said, "And... Pretty much everyday at school." 

"Seeya," Josh said, certain that he looked exactly like a tomato. He watched as Vance started off down the street to where a woman who was quite clearly his mom was waiting for him. "How," he asked Mark, "In the hell... Did I manage to get a date with that boy?" 

Mark, who was just as in awe of what had happened as Josh was, just shrugged. "I dunno..." he said softly, "Maybe he has like... A pregnancy kink or something." 

Josh rolled his eyes and smacked the other. "Shut up and let me enjoy this," he said, finding his grin as they began walking once again. 

**February 7**

Josh almost wasn't surprised when he found that Brendon had cornered the kid. Vance was up against a wall, looking rather attacked as Brendon spoke, his finger in the others face. "And if you hurt him-" Josh heard, "-you better bet that your ass won't make it back to Australia in one piece. You hear me?" 

"Look... I pro-" Vance cut off as he saw Josh appear, then his gaze flicked back to Brendon, "I promise, I have only the best intentions. I really like Josh, and I got a lot of shit back in Melbourne so... I just want to be there for him." He looked at Josh, "I promise, I really like him. He's... Fucking fantastic." 

Brendon seemed to notice that he wasn't the one being spoken to and stepped back, looking at Josh. He immediately looked guilty, "Hey Josh.." he said, "You..." 

"I wasn't supposed to see that?" Josh asked, internally sighing. 

Brendon chewed his lip and nodded. "Yeah.." he said, "You weren't supposed to see that." 

Josh sighed. "Hey Vance," he said, "Can- I?" 

"I get it," Vance said.  He smiled easily, turning to Brendon, "Hey, it was nice chatting with you. Next time we should trade numbers. Or you can just get it from Josh. Uh... Text me the rest of the lecture. Or you can call, I'm really not picky." He leaned over, pressing a light kiss to Josh's cheek, making him blush soft pink, "And as for you, I picked a movie for tomorrow. I think you'll really like it."

"Is it Black Panther?" Josh asked, "Or nah?"

"That's not out until the sixteenth," Vance replied, "Sorry babe." He stepped back, shooting Josh one last smile before heading off down the hall to give Josh and Brendon some privacy. 

Josh watched him go before turning to Brendon. "What the hell?" he asked, "Am I just... not allowed to like someone without them getting attacked?" He took a deep breath. 

Brendon shook his head quickly. "No! Josh it's just... With everything with Tyler, and y'know... Bean..." he gestured to Josh's stomach, "Like... I worry about you. You've been up and down all year. And Sarah had a scare and I'm freaking out! Like... She told me everything and... I just don't want you getting fucked over again and..." He took several deep breaths, "Everything is going insane and I just want to protect everyone... I just want you guys to be okay..." He looked like he was on the verge of tears, "And... I see the way you look at Vance and... I get scared that he'll hurt you... I don't want you to fall apart again..." 

Josh pulled him into a hug. "Hey..." he said, "Bren... Shit man... I'm so fucking sorry... I'm... I-" he pressed a kiss to Brendon's cheek, not sure what else to do, "I'm sorry... You need a chance to unload too... Please don't be afraid to talk to me..." 

"But you have so much going on..." Brendon said, "I don't want you to be overwhelmed..." Josh heard him swallow. 

"Fuck Bren," he said, "We're all overwhelmed. Please talk to me when you're struggling... Please." 

"Ok.." Brendon said, hugging Josh back, "Okay..." 

**February 9**

"That movie was fucking awful V," Josh said, "I mean... I hate to say it... But it was pretty terrible." He was grinning though. They'd cuddled their way through the pain of a terrible movie and he had to admit, Vance was a fantastic cuddler. 

Vance laughed, his hand finding Josh's and their fingers lacing together as though they'd always belonged, "Yeah... But can you really blame me? It's February. This is the worst time of the year for film." 

Josh nodded. He definitely agreed with that. "Alright, fine..." he said, "I'll let you have that." 

Vance just shook his head, opening the passenger door of Josh's car. "So... My family is out if you wanna go back to mine..." He smiled, "We can snuggle and have snacks and watch something better than that was." 

Josh smiled back. He could definitely do that. "Yeah," he said, "Yeah... Let's go." He took off, retracing the way back to Vance's house since he'd had to pick the other up for their date. The house was in a state of unboxing. In all the rooms were stacks of things that needed to be unpacked, but all the big furniture was there. 

Vance's room was in the upstairs. It was all white aside from a few patches on the wall that were from his mom trying to decide which color she wanted it. Josh liked the dark blue, but he didn't say that out loud. Instead he let Vance lead him over to the bed so he could sit while the laptop was grabbed. 

He noted the guitar in the corner and smiled. "Oh yeah... You play!" he said with a grin, "I've been kinda bummed because drumming hurts my back. And I'm freaked that I might not be able to play until after this is all over." He rubbed his stomach.

Vance smiled, "Well do you want me to play you something?" he asked, "It's not... Well, it's not the best but.. I do write some..." he was awkward about it, not really sure if it was going to be okay to play. 

"I'd love to hear it," Josh said, "I used to play with my best friend all the time but..." he shook his head, "Things happen. And he's too busy being an ass to be a friend." 

Vance nodded, getting the guitar and tuning it. He smiled at Josh, "Uh... I call this one My Kind Of Man..." he said, clearly nervous about playing for someone, as soon as he picked up the tune though, his nerves immediately melted away. He was lost in it, and Josh thought it was the most beautiful thing that he had ever seen. There was so much passion in the way he played and when he sang it was something Josh had never heard before. When he finished, he looked up, "What did you-"

He was cut off by Josh's lips on his. Fingers tangled in curls as they kissed and the world melted away. Shirts were discarded, and Josh couldn't believe he was actually doing this. Then he couldn't. As Vance's lips found his throat and hands landed on his hips, he choked. "Stop..." he said, "STOP..." he took deep breaths, pushing the other away and unable to breathe. 

"Josh?" Vance's voice was so soft as he reached out, "It's okay... We don't have to... I just... We were caught up... We don't have to..." 

Josh took deep breaths, grabbing his shirt. "Sorry..." He said, "I just... You've heard the rumors... I know you have..." He had tears on his cheeks now, "And... I know it was you but I just felt him and..." He felt an arm around his shoulders, and a kiss pressed to his temple. 

"You aren't ready," Vance said, "I get it. It's okay. Now c'mon... I think we'd mentioned a movie and some snacks." 

Josh looked up at him. He was so sincere. He really did want Josh to be okay. "Okay..." he managed, "Movie and snacks... And kisses because holy fuck you're a good kisser." 

Vance laughed, "Why thank you," he said, "Anything I should avoid?" 

"Hips," Josh said, "And wrists... And... no marking. Nothing on my throat..." He didn't know why he was so comfortable saying his trigger spots to the other, but it simply made sense. 

Vance nodded. "Of course," he said, smiling softly, "From now on I'm gonna ask for so much consent that it will probably annoy the hell out of you." 

Josh laughed. "Thanks babe," he said, "It actually helps. Like... That really, really helps." 


	29. 25 Weeks

**February 10**

"So... You know that guy I mentioned last week?" Josh asked, settling into his chair with a soft smile. 

"Vinny?" Dr. Wentz asked, not looking up from his notes as he checked over what they'd been discussing last time and checking Josh's progress. 

"Vance," Josh corrected, still smiling, "His name is Vance Keogh and oh my god... We went on a date yesterday." He was grinning now, like an idiot. "We went on a date, and it was fantastic. And then we went home together and like... We just snuggled and kissed and there was almost an incident but he listened and talked me down and... Holy crap he's fantastic Doc... He's amazing." 

Dr. Wentz was smiling at this. "Sounds like someone's got a crush," he said, "But... I do want to talk about the almost incident. May I ask?" 

Josh nodded. "Yeah. We were... like..." he blushed, "Y'know... doing things and then... like... he was kissing my neck and like... his hands were... yeah..." He could feel his face heating up even more, "And I started to freak and told him to stop and then he did. And we sat back and he didn't ask why, he just asked how to avoid triggering me in the future. And then we just sat back and watched a movie and snuggled until his mom got home. And she brought take out and... It felt good." 

"And did they ask about the baby?" Dr. Wentz asked, taking notes on the situation and how Josh reacted to it. 

"Well of course," Josh said, "His mom... She was a little put off by it, and so was her dad. I mean, I'm pretty obviously pregnant so..." He shrugged, "And Vance tried to defend me. He said that it was personal and that they shouldn't ask. And I just told them the half truth. I don't know the father, and I already have adoptive parents lined up." He shrugged, "Then Vance made them stop asking questions because he didn't want them to push me too far." 

Dr. Wentz nodded. "Did you feel uncomfortable talking to them about it?" he asked, "Or did it feel rather ordinary?" 

"It felt good," Josh said, "And... I think it's because, they didn't know. They never saw the video or the pictures. They don't have a story in their heads already, so... I get to tell them what I want them to know." He smiled, "They feel like a fresh start. Everyone in town knows who I am and they all have these ways of thinking about me, but to the Keogh's I'm just a kid who happens to be having a kid. Vance asked for permission to explain the full story to his parents so they would stop bugging me, and I gave it to him. He's a good guy. And I really like him."

"He sounds like a really good guy," Dr. Wentz said, "I'm glad you found him. And how are your friends treating him?" 

"Well Brendon threatened him," Josh said, "Ash and Hayley seem to like him... And Tyler... He just gets angry when he sees us together. Not in an out loud way, but I know he does. He gets this look on his face somewhere between pain and pissed off." 

"Sounds like he's still figuring himself out," Dr. Wentz said. 

"Yeah..." Josh nodded, "But like... I'm not sure I'd even want to go back to him. The way Vance treats me, and the fact that we can be so open... I love Tyler... I will always love Tyler. But..." He sighed, "In the end, high school will be over. Vance will go be a musician, Tyler will be off on scholarship, and I'll be here trying to scrape my shit together so that I can make it through a semester of community college." He sighed, "Or maybe I'll run off and join a band. Play the drums and whatnot." 

"Josh," Dr. Wentz said, "The end of this year is going to be rough. I'm not going to try to deny that. But it's never to late to do something you love. Whether that's drumming, or traveling. Whatever you think you want to do in life, you can achieve it. I've seen your strength, so I know you can." 

**February 12**

Josh sat, tucked into Vance's side at lunch. He was feeling sleepier than usual, and Vance wouldn't stop playing with his hair, which didn't help at all. He was practically melting into the other, mostly ignoring the conversation. It would've been a rather entertaining conversation to listen to though. Sarah was dropping hints of what she wanted Brendon to do for Valentines and he was being as oblivious as ever. And Ashley was sneaking pictures of Josh and Vance to send to Josh's sisters. 

It was so normal and things felt so good. There was only one piece missing. They could all feel it, or at least feel his eyes on them. Josh refused to apologize though. He didn't do anything wrong. Tyler did. And it was as Dr. Wentz had said, the other just needed to figure out his priorities before they would be able to reconnect. 

For now though, Josh would hold onto Vance and let the other boy steady him. It hurt knowing that his best friend was so far away, but he also couldn't let Tyler hold him back from being comfortable moving away from his demons. He turned burying his nose in Vance's shoulder and breathing him in. 

He smelled like sunshine and adventure. It was a strangely poetic thing, but in the cold of the winter, it was all Josh needed. 

**February 14**

Josh wasn't expecting too much out of Valentines. He'd gotten Vance some flowers, just because he knew they'd make the other boy smile. They hadn't been together long enough to make it into a big deal, but he did want to ask the other to the TOLO dance. He wasn't sure what TOLO stood for exactly, and the dance wasn't as big as homecoming or prom, but Josh figured it would be fun. Especially since he doubted he'd go to prom. His due date happened to be the same day. 

So when he walked in and saw Vance holding his guitar his eyes widened and he could already feel himself blushing. "Oh my god," he muttered, "Oh... my... god..." 

Vance saw him and grinned, "Hey," he said, "I uh... you wanna find somewhere more private for this? I don't... Like... I don't want to make you uncomfortable..." He was still smiling, but he was trying, so Josh shook his head. 

"Nope," he said, "You are gonna serenade me right here in the middle of the hallway, then I'm gonna give you these flowers and ask you to TOLO. And you better say yes." He was grinning and blushing and unable to believe how happy he was. 

"I'll think about it," Vance said, "We'll see." He swung his guitar around striking up a tune. It wasn't quite a love song, but it had a feeling of romance to it. It made Josh's heart flip. "I'm crashing, I'm crashing right into you. Baby, feel me crash..." Vance sang, making people stop and listen, "I'm crashing, I'm crashing right into you. Baby, feel me crash..." 

When he finished, Josh jumped into his arms, pressing kisses to every inch of his face while a few students applauded the performance. "You are too fucking good for me," he said, "What did I do to deserve you?" 

"Existed?" Vance offered, "Now I do believe you mentioned having a question." 

Josh just laughed. "Yes! First of all, I brought you flowers." He passed the carnations to Vance, who gratefully accepted them, "Second," he said, "I was wondering if you might want to go to the TOLO-Valentines Dance with me next weekend." He was grinning so hard that his face hurt, "I just know I'm not gonna be able to go to prom... So I guess it's the best we'll be able to get." 

"Y'know... I've really thought about it," Vance said, "And, I do believe that I'll be able to do that. Joshua Dun, I would love to go with you." He was grinning right back and Josh just had to give him a kiss. Things were good. Josh knew it was a high, he knew it would be followed by a low, but he would love it while he could and he would ride it as far as possible. Vance smiled, kissing right back. Things would be okay. They were getting better and they would be just fine. 

After school, they went to Josh's house. There was still unease, and his siblings tended to walk on eggshells around him. He'd moved on, but they still hid. Today, he didn't care. Instead of going and hiding in his room to avoid looking them in the eye, he booted up the TV and passed Vance a controller, laughing loudly. 

"You're lying," he said, "I do not believe you." 

"What?!" Vance asked, "I swear. I've never played before in my life. Well... Maybe once at a friends but otherwise, we never really had video games." 

Josh just shook his head as he booted up his system, "Everyone's played Mario Kart. I know you Aussie's have it. You've gotta." He clicked through the controls to the loading screen. 

"Well yeah," Vance said, "Of course it's in the country. My family just really wasn't big on video games..." He looked behind Josh, smiling at someone else, "Hello!" 

Josh turned to see his mom. She had a look on her face that he really didn't understand. Like she'd been slapped, but in a good way. "Hi Mom!" he said, still smiling brightly, "This is Vance. Y'know, the guy my friend sent you pictures of." He looked at Vance. 

"Hello Vance," she said, a smile appearing on her face, "It's nice to finally meet you. I've heard quite a bit about you." 

"Pleasure's all mine," Vance said, "It's really quite brilliant to finally be able to come over." He looked at his controller. 

"I- I hope you don't mind me bringing him over," Josh said, "Uh... It's just... Valentines and.. we kinda wanted to spend it together..." He shrugged, looking over at Vance, "As like... Boyfriends... He's my boyfriend..." 

"Oh well..." She smiled, "Vance, if you want embarrassing baby photos... Well.." She waved a hand, clearly overwhelmed by the whole situation, "You can talk to me.. I'll uh... Excuse me..." She disappeared into the kitchen. 

Vance looked at Josh, his expression telling him to go talk to her. Josh looked back, asking what the hell he would even say. He didn't even know what the problem was. Shouldn't she be happy to see him out of his room for once. Vance simply responded with a pointed look and Josh stood up, going into the kitchen. 

"Hey mom?" he asked, knocking on the doorway to announce his pressence, "You okay?" 

She very obviously was not okay as she wiped her eyes on her shirt. "Yeah," she lied, "I just... I didn't expect... He's so handsome Josh... And... you're smiling..." She laughed, "Fucking thank the lord my baby boy is smiling again!" She turned, grinning with tears on her cheeks." 

"Ah mom," he said, stepping over and pulling her into a hug, "I'm sorry that these last few months have been hard..." 

She shook her head, hugging him tightly. "Oh Joshua... It's not your fault. It hasn't been easy for any of us." She looked at him, taking a step back, "I'm just happy to see you out of your room and... Smiling. Now, there is a handsome young man out there waiting to play video games with you." 

He smiled right back at her, "Thanks for the reminder," he said, "And don't worry, I think there will be quite a bit more smiling in the future. Things are looking up mom, they really are." He turned heading out to where Vance had managed to find the character selection screen. 

"You ready to get your ass kicked?" he asked with a grin. 

"Are you threatening a pregnant man?" Josh replied, his smile brighter than ever. 


	30. 26 Weeks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: GRAPHIC DEPICTION OF SEXUAL ASSAULT

**February 18**

Josh was oddly unembarrassed about Vance picking him up from group. Even with Debby and Mark catcalling and commenting about their sweet kiss. It was nice. The air was cold, and the snow crunched beneath their shoes as they walked and talked about nothing in particular. The world felt at ease. Things felt incredible. They felt right.

**February 19**

There was a day off of school for presidents day. The group of teens went to Brendon's basement. It still felt odd that Tyler wasn't there with them. Vance could never replace the other boy, but he had a way of making everyone feel like the world was alright. Whether it was overdramatic stories about life in Australia or dancing and singing to the radio until everyone else was singing with him. He had a way of making things not so bad. Josh wished Tyler could meet him. Tyler would've loved him.

**February 20**

The douchebag that had been screwing with Josh took aim at Vance. 'GAYTARD' was scrawled across the foreign boys locker in silver paint. Josh recorded it in his notebook alongside every attack against himself. He held Vance while he broke down about it, and in return was assured that things wouldn't change between them. He was beginning to feel as though he could say he loved the other. Not out loud, just to himself.

**February 21**

The day of the dance was edging closer. It wasn't supposed to be as formal as the others. So jeans and a button down were more than necessary. But since Josh wouldn't be going to prom, his mom insisted on going out with the boys and buying them matching shirts and ties. They weren't about to lie, it was a lot of fun picking the color. They settled on purple, Josh in lavender and Vance in lilac, and both wearing black ties. Josh insisted that she was overdoing it, and Vance just loved every second of it.

**February 22**

Sarah had apparently forgotten to ask Brendon to TOLO, so he was now going with some tall kid from choir named Dallon. She retaliated by asking a cheerleader friend who turned out to be Dallon's girlfriend. They faked anger about the whole situation, but then Brendon offered to throw the afterparty at his place and they all got along fine. Josh and Vance shook their heads at the whole situation.

**February 23**

Josh grinned beneath the flashing lights as Vance spun him around. The dance was fantastic. It was fun and cheesy and everything he'd hoped it would be. His mom had made them take pictures, and Ashley and Hayley had ridden with them. It felt like a night where nothing could possibly go wrong. He pulled Vance in for a kiss as the song came to an end, loving that he could be so publicly romantic. It felt incredible really. He'd seen Tyler and Jenna around, but he hadn't paid them much attention, this night wasn't about them.

It was getting late into the dance now, and his feet were getting sore. "Hey Vance," he called over the pop song, "I'm gonna run to the bathroom. Can you grab us some waters?" He pressed cash into Vance's hand, knowing he wasn't really giving the other a choice, but he was too dehydrated to care at that point.

With a nod from the other he started towards the bathroom. The line was off putting, so he headed off to find the other one. It wasn't difficult since the dance was in the schools gym. He went out and down the hall, knowing exactly where the nearest one was. He stepped inside, still giddy from the night.

It was as he was washing his hands that the door opened, but due to some ass breaking the mirror, he couldn't see who it was. He heard them walking around but didn't bother looking up, the line had probably been too long for them as well. Then he heard the others voice.

"Well if it isn't our favorite breeding bitch."

He didn't have time to react before there was a hand on his mouth and his heart was in his stomach.

"You got my messages, right babe? I sent quite a few... even sent some to that boy toy of yours. I might have to get him next. He's a pretty one..."

As the other boy spoke he pushed Josh to the wall, pressing his face and chest into it. The position was awkward and painful. He pressed his hands into the wall, trying to get away. Tears streamed down his cheeks as he struggled, but the other was using his fatigue and surprise against him, and it seemed to be working.

"Y'know, I heard bitches like you can get wet." He took Josh's wrists, pinning them behind his back, he had to let go of his mouth to maneuver and Josh didn't even know how to react besides choking out pleas for the other to leave him alone. "We should see if that's true..."

He felt their hand on the back of his pants, pressing them downwards, boxers and all. He screamed. He screamed and struggled, pleas falling from his lips as two thoughts filled his mind. Get out and protect Bean.

They didn't even bother licking their finger before it was inside him and he was screaming again. He couldn't believe it was happening again. It couldn't be happening again..

The man wasn't gentle. It hurt so bad. And he wouldn't shut up either. He kept whispering in Josh's ear as he worked him open. "Feels like you've got a nice wet little pussy... and still so tight. I'm gonna fuck you so good you'll never let any other man touch you."

"Please," Josh cried, "Stop... Please..." He screamed again as another finger was forced into him.

The world seemed to move in slow motion. He heard the click as the other man undid his belt. "This ass is mine," he growled, his breath hot on Josh's ear and making him feel sick. Josh braced himself for the pain, not sure what else he could possible do. Just wanting it to be over. He gritted his teeth and let his forehead rest against the wall, waiting. The pain never came.

Instead there was several shouts and a groan. The hands were ripped away. Josh felt himself hit the floor and then scrambled under the sink, not caring how disgusting it was. His pants were around his thighs and he hiked them back up, taking deep breaths as his brain tried to catch up with the scene unfolding in front of him. 

There were four more people in the bathroom, but his vision was blurring. They were all going after the guy on the floor. Josh knew him. He'd been ignoring him all year, purposefully pushing him to the back of his mind. One of the guys, the one with dark hair, he was straddling the guy, his fist connecting with his face over and over, staining shirts red. There was a red head, Josh would know those curls anywhere. He was being held back by someone else and he was putting up a fight, thrashing and kicking to get himself away. 

Josh knew Vance. He wasn't violent. He knew Brendon was. He heard shouting outside. The last person moved to him and it clicked. "Ty..." he said, reaching out and letting himself be pulled into Tyler's arms, "Ty..." it was all he could say as he buried his nose into Tyler's shoulder and sobbed. 

A teacher came in, followed by another. Brendon was pulled away from the guy on the floor and cuffed, the situation making him look like an attacker. The guy on the floor was still conscious, he was cuffed at the demand of the other boys, them insisting on it. There were police officers now. And they were angry. Josh held tight to Tyler for his life, scared of what would happen as they were escorted out. 

Outside the school was flooded with blue and red lights. The realization hit Josh that they were all in cuffs. Vance, Brendon, and the strangers. They were all forced to sit on the curb while the bathroom got labeled as a crime scene. He sat next to Vance, his arms still around Tyler as they all stared straight ahead. 

It was silent. The sirens weren't on and the snow melted through the seats of their pants, but still they sat in silence. 

"Who called?" Josh asked. 

"I did," Tyler said, "I saw... I saw them go to find you and followed. I heard... Terrible things... So I called the cops. I wanted him to get caught this time." He swallowed and looked at Brendon. The dark haired boy had his head down. His hands twisted against the handcuffs and he muttered to himself. They'd sat him right by the kid he'd been beating, and Josh knew that it was taking everything in him to not attack again. 

There was an ambulance and they shivered against the cold. The cops were talking to the teachers, but the teachers knew nothing of the situation. Other students were gathering at the edges, trying to see what was happening. They were so desperate for a show. Josh saw Jenna, and Sarah, Dallon and his girlfriend, Hayley and Ashley. He saw his siblings and Tyler's siblings, all of their siblings. 

He pulled himself away from Tyler, scooting over to Vance. "I should've just waited..." he said, "I should've just fucking waited..." 

Vance shook his head. "Josh, you are six months pregnant. I probably would've done the same..." He sighed, and Josh felt him twisting his hands in the cuffs. "Are you okay?" 

Josh shook his head. "No," he said, "I'm not okay at all..." He was the farthest he could possibly be from okay. He felt like the world was collapsing around him all over again. 

"I'm not okay either," Vance said, "I couldn't do shit to protect you... They fucking held me back and the others did the work..." He choked, and Josh knew he was crying. He was scared and Josh knew that feeling. He knew it all too well. 

Josh reached out, wiping the tears from his cheeks, "Hey... Hey... V... I've... They're gonna put the guy in prison, and it'll be okay." He choked on a sob, burying his face in his boyfriends chest, "We'll get through this," he sobbed, trying to convince himself more than anyone else, "It'll be okay..." 

"Is anyone here in need of immediate medical attention?" All the boys looked up at the officer. He had a clipboard in hand that he was writing notes on. 

The attacker nodded. "Me," he said, "Urie busted my face." 

"Because you hurt my best friend," Brendon snapped back. 

The officer sighed. "Look. It's freezing out here. We can't leave because it's an active crime scene. So here's what's gonna happen. We're gonna bring you guys to an empty classroom, and I'll have an EMT deal with you..." he looked at his clipboard, "Mr. Cook. Now remember, You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be provided for you. Do you understand the rights I have just read to you?" All the boys nodded, "With these rights in mind, do you wish to speak to me?" 

All the boys nodded  except the ones at fault. They were all scared. They weren't ready to face this, but they were going to have to. Josh reached back, taking Vance's hand and squeezing. His fingers were cold, so cold. 

The officer waved for them to follow him inside so they wouldn't freeze, so people couldn't stare. It would be a while before they'd be able to leave, and Josh didn't want to leave his friends side. He didn't want to be separated. He swallowed thickly, one hand around his stomach, ready to see his world change for the better. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW summary: The guy who's been harassing Josh all year [Cook] and his friend assaulted Josh in the bathroom at the dance. He was caught by Brendon, Vance, and Tyler. Now all of them are under investigation by the police until everything gets sorted out.


	31. 27 Weeks

**February 24**

"So. Let's start from the beginning." 

"Which beginning? The one where I got pregnant, or last night?" 

"The first time." 

Josh sighed. He'd been going around in circles with the cops for hours now. He was exhausted. In the end, the kid with the camera, who Josh learned was named Austin Bello; his assailant, Jonathan Cook; and Brendon had been booked. He hadn't been allowed to visit them.  Instead he was repeatedly telling the story of what had happened. He knew that Tyler and Vance were in the same boat. 

Austin had filmed the whole thing. They were going to try to blackmail Josh again since they'd fucked it up the first time. There was so much evidence against them. But they were still pleading not guilty. 

"Look... I don't remember that night. It's all on film though. It was on Bello's laptop," he felt tears in his eyes, "I don't know who the third guy was and... I would never be able to pick him out in a lineup. And now I'm missing my counseling appointment because the wrong guy is behind bars." 

"You're friend nearly killed Cook," the officer said, "We've gotta investigate..." 

"Investigate my ass," Josh said, "You have all the evidence. Imagine some kid raped and knocked up your friend. And then lorded it over them and bullied them. Caused panic attacks and publicly shamed them for months. Then you catch them trying to rape your friend again. He. Was. Protecting. Me." He was crying now. He could see Vance and Tyler, they were talking. Vance caught sight of him and headed over. "How long until he can get out?" 

The officer sighed, "Since he's over eighteen, it's a bit more difficult. He'll have a hearing in a few days which you, and your friends will be testifying at. From what you described, he'll get out with no issue." 

"What about Cook? He's over eighteen," Josh felt Vance's hand on his shoulder, he set his hand on it, letting the other boys presence relax him. 

"He's got a lot of evidence against him," the officer said, "Videos of the assaults, your record of abuse, multiple witnesses, pictures in his locker... He's gonna go away for a long time kid. You and the baby are gonna be safe." 

"I know Bean is gonna be safe," Josh murmured, "He doesn't know who the adoptive parents are..." He swallowed. He wanted to go home. His mom was somewhere. His siblings had seen the cop cars. He just wanted to hold onto Vance or Tyler and just cry. He just wanted to cry. 

The officer shook his head. "Josh, I think we've got everything that we can get. I think it would be best for you to go home and get some rest. But... If you'd like, before you leave... Uh... I can convince them to let you and your friends can talk to Urie. I'll have to be in the room with you, but you can have a moment with him." 

Josh nodded. "Thank you," he said, "That would be really nice." He swallowed as the officer stood and walked away to go talk to someone. He looked over at Tyler, noticing that he was already walking over to where he sat. He didn't want to talk. It had been over twenty four hours since the last time any of them had slept and they were all hitting a wall. He still said, "They might let us talk to Brendon," to Tyler, just wanting to keep him updated. 

Tyler nodded. He had bags under his eyes. They all did. They all looked like shit. 

It took ten minutes. Then they were in the interview room, all of them. Brendon was still in cuffs, and they were attached to the table so that he couldn't get far of he tried to run. He looked hollow, like for once he was genuinely scared of what was going to happen to him. 

Josh rushed over, pulling him into a tight hug. "Thank you..." he said, "Thank you, thank you, thank you..." He was sobbing. There were too many emotions, and he was so tired, and his hormones were everywhere. "Thank you..." he repeated, feeling his best friend tuck his nose into his shoulder, "Thank you..." 

**February 25**

He didn't go to group. Everyone and their grandmother knew what had happened at the dance. That part didn't bother him at all. He tried to call Vance, but his mom picked up. She said that Vance didn't want to talk to him. He didn't believe her. He knew Jenna went to Tyler's, but she left just as quickly. 

He watched her stand in the driveway for a minute. She seemed to be collecting herself. Then she got in her car and it sat for several minutes too long before it started. Another minute too long, then she left. 

He wondered what had happened. 

He didn't ask. 

Dr. Wentz called, even though it was supposed to be his day off. He was careful with his words, making sure that Josh would be okay, and that the baby was okay too. Josh burst into tears. He was scared. It was all too much and all at once. And he just wanted Brendon to be okay and for that asshole to be locked away for eternity. 

Dr. Wentz made an appointment for him to come in sooner than usual. The first opening was Tuesday. Josh was okay with that. 

He didn't know when he ended up at his drum kit. He knew no one was going to ask him to quiet down. He stayed quiet anyways. He didn't want to hurt the baby's ears. Not when he knew they were probably going to end up as a musician. 

He didn't know when Tyler joined him, didn't know how Tyler got out of his house. He didn't care. He just kept on playing until he couldn't anymore. 

**February 27**

"My nightmares are back..." Josh took a shaky breath. He hadn't gone to school for two days. He hadn't had any contact with Vance. Tyler wouldn't speak to him, or he wasn't being allowed to. He'd had Debby over and he'd explained the situation to Ashley and Hayley. Mark was on bedrest, but he'd called him. 

"What are they now?" Dr. Wentz asked. 

"Um... It's mostly blurry..." Josh said, "It's a lot of the same... Lot's of hands. Sometimes it's that... I'm not pregnant and no one will tell me what happened to the baby..." He swallowed, "Or that he's... well Bello... Is inside me.. And I can hear my friends screaming but they can't help me..." He felt tears on his cheeks. Then a hand on his shoulder. 

"I thought I was gonna die..." he sobbed, "I thought he was going to k-kill me. I thought he was going to hurt us..." He clutched on to Dr. Wentz, desperate for the emotional release of sobbing. 

"But you survived," Dr. Wentz said, "You are a survivor Josh. You are a survivor and you are stronger than you can imagine." 

**February 28**

Brendon looked so small on the witness stand. His parents weren't going to be called forward. They were only able to listen. "I saw Vance..." Brendon said, his usual big boisterous attitude gone, "He was freaked out because he couldn't find Josh... And Tyler was there. And um... He said he saw Josh going towards the other bathroom. So.. We all went to get him. And... I heard it before I saw anything." He took a deep breath. "Tyler fell back to call the cops while Vance and I went in." He looked at Josh, apology in his eyes and Josh just nodded, wanting him to know that it was okay to tell the judge what he saw. "The lights were dim, but... Josh's pants were around his thighs. Bello had him pushed up against the wall and I could tell it wasn't something he wanted. I knew it. I uh... It gets blurry... But I grabbed Bello by his hair. As soon as I had him on the floor I started throwing punches. I've never felt that anger before. But I saw him hurting my friend. I didn't know someone was filming. I just wanted to hurt him like he'd hurt others."

He was crying, even from a distance Josh could see that Brendon was crying, but he held his head high. 

"Would you do the same thing if you could redo that night?" 

"Without hesitation. I'm not proud of it, and if I hadn't been pulled off, I wouldn't have stopped. But... All year I've had to stand by while that jerk abused one of my best friends. Given the chance I wouldn't hesitate to kick his ass all over again." Brendon wasn't an eloquent person. He didn't speak like a poet. He didn't phrase with magic. He told it as it was. 

They each took the stand. They told their versions of the story. All of them. Even Bello, who claimed that Josh had been asking for it. When it was Josh's turn, he didn't think he could do it. He took a deep breath and then smiled when he saw a dog tucked away under the stand. When he sat, the dog set her chin on his knee, and his nerves immediately calmed. 

"Please state your name," said some person. 

"Joshua William Dun." 

"Do you promise to tell truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?" 

"I promise..." He scratched the dogs ears, wondering if she understood what they were saying, or if she was only in it for the ear scratches. 

"So, to the best of your ability, can you describe what happened on Friday?" 

Josh took a deep breath, looking out at Brendon, then Tyler and Vance. "Um... Where should I start?" 

"Where the situation started." 

He nodded, his fingers curling into the dogs fur. "I had to pee," he said, "I'm like... six months pregnant and... there was a line so I decided to go to the other bathroom. Um... I was alone so I did my thing and then went to wash my hands. There's no mirror in there. I uh.. I heard someone walk in and assumed that it was someone who also didn't want to wait. And then the person stepped up behind me and said... he said..." he looked at his friends, knowing that they didn't know what Bello had said to him. They didn't know what he'd called him. 

"What did he say?" 

Josh swallowed. "He said, 'well if it isn't our favorite breeding bitch'." He felt tears slipping down his cheeks, and heard the dog whine from how tightly he was holding her fur. He released his grip, forcing himself to calm down, "Um... Then he covered my mouth and asked if I'd been getting his messages and that he'd been sending some to my boyfriend. And he threatened to assault him next..." He took a deep breath. 

"Did anything else happen?" 

He nodded. "Yeah... Do I have to go into detail or.." 

"Just... general would be better." 

Josh shut his eyes, letting one hand rest on his stomach. "He pushed me against the wall. And it hurt... I still didn't see who he was. He um... He pulled down my pants and... He uh... started fingering me. I was trying to get away and telling him to stop but he didn't. I remember bracing myself because I knew it would hurt when he-" he took a shaky breath, "but it never happened. Instead he was dragged away and I fell. And I tried to get into the corner. I have a baby to protect... I can't fight." He sighed. "If Brendon hadn't shown up when he did, I would've been raped by Bello for a second time. That's all there is too it. He saved me..." 

A few questions later, Josh was excused from the stand. He didn't stay in the room. He left, sitting on the bench outside and crying. When he felt an arm around his shoulders, he looked up at Tyler. He leaned into the other boy. "I missed you so fucking much..." he murmured, "I missed you..." 

"I missed you too," Tyler said, holding him close. 

Neither one of them saw Vance step out and stare, only to head right back into the courtroom. Not wanting to see that his boyfriend was in the arms of someone else. 

Brendon was put on house arrest. He could be at the school and at home, but no where else. Fights could get him jailed. Parties. Alcohol. Weed. Josh was just happy he wasn't in prison, though the ankle monitor would probably get him some negative attention at school. At least he wasn't in prison. 


	32. Chapter 32

**March 3**

It felt good to be talking to Vance again. He went to the other boys house after a particularly difficult hour with Dr. Wentz. He just curled up in Vance's arms and tucked his nose into the other boys neck. They really didn't say much, especially since Vance now knew that he had been targeted as well. They just held each other. 

"Are we gonna survive this?" Josh asked, knowing what the answer was. He knew that Vance was only still around because there was few people who didn't treat him like a freak for being a witness. 

"I dunno..." Vance said, "I mean..." He sighed, running his fingers through Josh's curls, "I just... I love you Josh.." 

"I know... I love you too..." He meant it. He meant every word of it. He wanted Vance to know that he loved him, "There's a 'but' though... I can hear it." 

Vance nodded. Josh could see it but he could feel the movement. He could hear the soft exhale, "But... I couldn't protect you... And... I'm so fucking scared... You admitted it on the stand and..." he swallowed, "He was in some of my classes and we were partners on a project... He was going to be in my house... Just me and him." Vance's nose was now buried in Josh's hair, "If he hadn't been caught, he would've had me alone." 

Josh pulled Vance close. "Seeing me makes you think of what could've happened." He said, knowing what Vance was probably experiencing. 

Vance nodded, "And I have nightmares about it... I saw him touching you, but I have nightmares that I was the one pinned to the wall. I love you... but..." 

"You need to have some time away from me..." 

He nodded again. "I still want to hang out, and see you in the halls. And I'm gonna be there at the hospital when Bean makes their appearance but... I don't think we'll survive if we try to keep the relationship." 

Josh nodded, tears on his cheeks. "Would it be too terrible of me to say that I know what you mean? And... The feelings are mutual?" 

Vance laughed, but it was choked. "Not too terrible at all," he said, "I just... I think we should focus on our recovery." He shifted and Josh pulled away to look at him. His eyes were red and teary and he looked like he was struggling with the whole situation. 

"Yeah..." he said softly, "Uh... I can recommend some therapists if you'd like. Dr. Wentz is mine and he's been my rock through this whole thing. I don't think I would've made it through a lot of this without him." He smiled, "And... He takes doctor-patient confidentiality very seriously. Like...It's kinda weird but-"

Vance cuts him off, "I'd love that." He smiled through the tears, "I really would." 

**March 4**

"I'm so excited to get this creature out of me," Mark muttered as they grabbed their bags after group. 

It was normal for Josh, and nobody gave him any strange looks or asked why he wasn't there. He knew that they all knew, but they didn't ask, and he appreciated that. "Yeah?" he asked, glancing to Debby, wanting to know if they were grabbing food like they usually did, "How much longer have you got?" 

"Three weeks," Mark muttered, "But the doc says he'll probably be sooner." He sighed, "I'm so ready to meet him." 

Ryan grumbled from where he stood, saying something about being barely halfway through and Josh rolled his eyes. "Trust me, you'll be done before you know it." He took a deep breath for himself. It broke his heart sometimes to hear the others talk about keeping their babies, but he knew that Bean would be better off with Pete and Patrick. "I'm almost three quarters of the way done and I am so fuckin' ready to be done." 

"Four weeks," Debby said, stepping over to join the group, "Anyone here interested in Taco Bell? Also, Josh, Kamila wanted to talk to you about something." 

Josh glanced over his shoulder at the new girl. It was her first session and they'd been talking about birthing plans and whatnot. Kamila was incredibly small, but something about her seemed so big. She had an air of knowing what she wanted already, but Josh had a feeling it wasn't real. "Did she say why?" 

"No, but we're gonna head off. Meet us there?" 

He nodded, "Yeah. I'll see you guys at Taco Bell." He watched them leave, before turning to face the girl. The closer he got, the smaller she seemed. He'd pin her at five foot, maybe less. And she was thin. With wild red hair and sage green eyes. "Uh..." he said, "Debby said you wanted to-"

"Yeah. Uh... You're putting "Bean" up for adoption..." She didn't ask, she just stated it. 

"Mhm. I've already found parents for them and-" 

"I need help." There she went with interrupting and being incredibly to the point. "I want to put this peanut up for adoption." She rested a hand on her stomach, showing what she meant.

"Oh... I can give you the name of the agency I went through," he said, "And they can direct you to like... a counselor or something." She let him finish speaking this time, "For the emotional shit." 

She nodded. "Thank you." It was small, but there was something in the way she said it that told him that she really meant it, and wasn't just saying it to be polite. 

"Anytime. And uh... If you need to talk about it... I'm here. I know what it's like to make this decision, and I know it's the right one for me." He set a hand on his stomach, "I know how hard it can be." 

She nodded. "Of course. Thank you..." 

"Uh... A bunch of us are going to Taco Bell. You wanna come?" he asked, knowing how isolating the whole pregnancy thing could be. 

She nodded again, now smiling at him. "Yeah. I think I'd like that a lot." 

**March 6**

**New Text from Marker  
water broke. i'm at the hospital. **

Josh didn't say anything as he sprinted out of his math class. He'd promised on several occasions that he would be there when Mark had his kid. He didn't sign out or anything, just went to his car and texted Tyler to let him know where he'd disappeared to. 

The hospital smelled like it always had. The antiseptic smell stung his nose, but there was no time to linger on it.  Josh was quick to check in and be by Mark's side. The other boy was not happy. "Fuck J," he joked, letting the other take his hand, "this sucks." 

"Well... I mean... You're giving birth," Josh said with a laugh. He took a deep breath, "Uh... How long have you been...?" 

"Midnight?" Mark offered, "I think that's when the cramps started... Then like... It just kept getting worse." He took a deep breath. "And they're-" He suddenly squeezed Josh's hand, his entire body tensing as he was hit by a contraction. He groaned loudly his breath catching and a sob trying to force it's way out of his throat. "Five- minutes..." he continued, "Five minutes apart." He looked exhausted, so Josh grabbed him the glass of water that was sitting to the side. 

"So how much longer have you got?" he asked, still figuring it all out and honestly not sure how the whole 'labor' thing worked. He'd heard stories, but he'd never actually witnessed it before. 

"Don't fuckin' know," Mark said, trying to relax in the bed, "I was napping before I texted you. And I've technically been in labor for like.. nine or so hours now..." He sighed. "This is fucking exhausting though. The kid better be worth it." 

"He will be," Josh said, "Or so I've heard. I've already told Doc- Pete, that he's gonna owe me for all this." He shook his head, "And I know Patrick wants to take me out to lunch sometime." He felt Mark squeezing his hand again paused, letting him go through the contraction. 

"God I can't wait to get this creature out of me..." He growled. Josh just nodded. "God... Tell me something... How did the court thing go?" 

Josh took a deep breath, "Uh... Brendon is on house arrest and Vance and I broke up," he said, "And... I think Jenna dumped Tyler, or he dumped her. I'm not sure. Like... With Vance and I it was a mutual thing. Like... We were joking about it and stuff and I think most people think we're still a thing but..." He felt Mark's grip tighten and realized that the contractions were definitely getting closer together. "Do you want me to get a nurse?" 

"Not yet," Mark said, "Just... Keep talking.. It's stupid, but it gives me something to focus on so I don't like... freak out.." He took a deep breath, shifting so that Josh could climb into the bed next to him. 

"Uh... Okay," Josh said, "School sucks. People stare like I'm an alien. And they always feel the need to touch my stomach. And like... People just randomly tell me they're sorry about what happened. And I don't want them to pity me. I want them to move on so I-" 

"Get a nurse," Mark said, suddenly gripping Josh's hand tightly, "I've gotta be at least kinda close by now..." Josh nodded, pressing a kiss to the other boys knuckles to comfort him. 

It took another two hours. Lot's of yelling and crying. But Josh didn't move. He stayed right by Mark's side. He wasn't about to admit how scared he was. Witnessing the other boy's struggle made him remember that he was going to have to go through the same thing in only a few months. He hated that realization. It hung over his head and made him want to curl up and cease to exist. 

But Theo was so beautiful. He was a small baby, with bright eyes and a button nose. A few weeks early meant that he was smaller than most. Mark couldn't take his eyes off of him, and when he offered the child to Josh, he couldn't help but say yes. 

It was odd. When the girls at group brought their babies, he wasn't a fan. He'd hold them and coo at them like everyone else, but he didn't see the appeal. When he held the sleeping Theo, he couldn't help but feel his heart swell. Mark drifted off pretty quickly, but Josh sat awake. He let the baby boy wrap his tiny hand around a single finger. 

"You have fingernails..." he said, examining every crease in those tiny little hands, "You're so lucky Theo... You've got a great dad. He loves you so much..." He felt Bean kick and smiled. "I see the way he looks at you..." He couldn't wait to see that look on Pete and Patrick's faces. He wanted them there. He wanted them to be the first to meet their baby. 

There was so much he hadn't been sure of before. Everything really when it came to Bean. He was sure now and no one could convince him otherwise. He wanted them to have his baby. He wanted Bronx to be a big brother. He wanted to give this to them. 

Theo began to fuss and he bounced him gently, humming the words of a song that Tyler had written. He thought that maybe he would be a good dad. Some other day though. He was nowhere near ready yet. But maybe someday he would have a baby all his own, and it would be good. Not Bean, not now. As Theo quieted, he smiled. 

Yeah. Someday he would be a good dad.

**March 8**

Lunch had moved out of the cafeteria for the group. They were indoors to hide from early spring rain, just tucked into a stairwell. They were all freaks now. None of them were made to fit and people stared wherever they went. Brendon and Sarah had stayed strong, Sarah making fun of the new ankle monitor by covering it in stickers. Brendon pretended to be bothered by it, but Josh knew it meant the world to him. 

Ashley and Hayley stayed close. They stayed together, and though they didn't know the extent of the trauma, they were supportive. Sometimes it was nice to have them, because it wasn't constantly on their minds and they kept the conversations positive. They found things to fill in the bad spaces and make people smile, even when smiling was the farthest thing from their minds. 

Tyler rejoined them, though Jenna didn't. He was too quiet most of the time, and Josh knew the events of the last few weeks weighed far too heavy on his shoulders. The amazing part was seeing Vance comfort him. They would sit together and whisper and Josh was never sure what they were saying, but he could only assume it was good. 

Life went on, and they all moved forward, ignoring the court date that loomed in the coming months. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter wasn't... difficult to write. But time is weird right now. It's been two months. Trench is out, and I've listened. But... I can't do it again. I try, but she loved Jumpsuit. We sang it together. I try again, skipping that song. I can't make it past My Blood. I love the album. It just hurts too much to hear it. I want her to hear it too. I don't know what comes next, but I hope she can hear it there. She would love it so much. 
> 
> \- will


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